My husband tells his parents everything

I wouldn't be impressed with your dh, sharing your child's troubles with the local gossip. He isn't much of a parent if he can't show his family basic discretion.

I've split from my ds' dad but there is a lot about our ds that he doesn't know, because he is the same, cannot keep his mouth shut and shares it with his interfering new woman who then shares it with the world.

Some people just lack consideration and professionalism. Best that your dh, like my ex, only hears the good stuff. You are a decent considerate mum.

You're not being unreasonable, and neither is your husband. It's not a question of which approach is right, but maybe it's worth thinking about which approach has the best outcome. Your husband seems to be very close with his family, and you make them sound like a happier family, whereas yours sound more difficult. So maybe openness makes for a happier family? That would be good for your kids.

Even if he did hurt another child, why does that mean that the grandmother ‘needs’ to know? I’m sure the OP would be more willing to share things with her MIL if she didn’t subsequently gossip about them to all and sundry, so not being told things would just be a consequence of her inability to keep things to herself.

Sorry, but that's insane. Why did it even occur to her to worry about that?

You’re both being unreasonable here and you need to find a middle ground. If you want a healthy relationship with your DH and your children you need to be able to open up on a regular basis and not just leave it all till a meltdown. Your DH needs to understand that not every conversation is a wider family discussion.

I honestly couldn’t live like either one of you. Your both coming from to very opposing sides but you need a frank conversation with your DH about what each of your boundaries are. You are really going to struggle to heal those wounds when anything you do share gets passed on. You need to create a safe place to do it first and it doesn’t sound like you have that yet.

I voted YABU, but both sides are pretty extreme!

I put my mum on an information diet years ago because she has no boundaries as far as my personal ‘stuff’ and I doubt she would with my kids’ personal ‘stuff’ either, so I absolutely get the thing with not wanting to be gossiped about.

However, you can’t tell your DH to feel like that if he doesn’t. You can point out that your DS has a right to privacy, which is how I’d view something like this, but if DH’s family are fundamentally ‘sharers’ it won’t be meaningful to him.

I also think it’s a bit of a worry that you said upthread that you’re more comfortable talking to ChatGPT - an LLM which does God knows what with whatever you’re telling it - than you are a human. AI is the LAST thing I would pour my heart out to if I wanted and needed privacy or secrecy for my emotional safety.

My dh and his massive family are the same. It annoys me so much, the amount of times I've asked him not to tell his family every detail of our lives. They are so nosey and pry all the time. Everything is judged, particularly financial details. If we want to buy something new we'll have the entire family's opinion on the cost of it and whether it's worth it. My family are the complete opposite, they would never dream of giving their opinion.

Both my husband and I are close with our families but wouldn't tell them everything about our children either, especially once they hit the teenage years. For example, son getting caught by police with weed - absolutely not for sharing!!! Once family hear something like that they get a reputation that's difficult to shake even though it was a phase.

Well, I don’t tell my mum anything that I don’t want the extended family to know. She has no ability to hold back. I often have to interrupt her to tell her I shouldn’t know something about someone else.

And yes, I think a child has a right to privacy.

So I hear where you are coming from.

Because the teachers and parents were dealing with it and putting the appropriate consequences in place. It doesn’t sound like OPs husband has judged this as something the GP needs to know, it’s just that he tells them everything.

Telling a person who is a gossip, just because they happen to be a grandparent, isn’t appropriate.

My husband is the same
Gossips and tells his family everything and they gossip.
My 3 teenagers often tell me things and tell me not to tell Dad, nothing serious but things like the date for their driving test

For me it would depend on how in-laws treated the news. If it was DH talking to his parents in confidence for their advice/support it would be fine, if you think in-laws will bring it up in front of DC or tell everyone they know as gossip then not ok. I did not grow up in a don’t tell household at all but I’m very private and my in-laws can be big gossips/drama lovers and I feel like I wouldn’t want them to know every time my children had misbehaved. Toddler and soon to be baby now so we haven’t got to the school age yet!

I never got into "very big trouble" in primary school, neither did any of my friends. It depends completely on what said child did ie if it was hurting another child or stealing etc. This is the mum telling it here, she's going to downplay it by default so it must've been something pretty serious if even she is describing it as "very big trouble". How could we possibly know whether the dad was right to tell his parents or not without even knowing what happened?

reality is, it is different upbringings, your husband was brought up in a share everything keep me up dated no boundaries home. you were raised in a home where it was taught not to share your emotions and maybe relationships felt dangerous. hence your present discomfort. maybe get some counselling and cognitive behavior treatment to help you deal with childhood trauma

If there was a scale with your family on one end and your husbands family on the other, I’d want to be smack in the middle. So I’d say you not being unreasonable or reasonable.

There are things in life to kept private and there are also things that you should be able to openly talk about and tell your loved ones. Not one extreme or another. Neither are healthy.

This really stood out to me though:
I don't tell my husband anything personal about myself

I don’t see the point in being married to someone you don’t trust. It must be an awful way to live.

What? The school will be dealing with it and OP has said she supported the school and gave consequences at home. How is that not dealing with it?

Sometimes kids make bad decisions because they are young and still learning. They get into trouble, face appropriate consequences, and with parents help, they move on, done in the right way, the child learns and it doesn’t happen again. Even adults can make mistakes they they wouldn’t want everyone to know about. As long as it’s nothing illegal, they’re entitled to privacy so why should children be any different?

The child that has faced consequences and likely feels bad enough, doesn’t need anyone else other than teachers and their parents knowing, certainly not a gossiping grandma. Some grandparents may be respectful people and so could be told, because their interest would be genuine, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case here.

My mum and MIL are both like that so they don’t get told much at all. I think it’s understandable that you feel how you do.

I remember my mum telling her friends and neighbours very personal things about my life and health when I was a teen and I hated it. Due to that, I feel my children deserve privacy about things in their life unless they choose to share them. My partner has always been in full support of that so that obviously makes it easier. My kids know that certain things stay inside our 4 walls. If there is a problem, we will deal with it, they may get a bollocking if they’ve done something wrong or stupid, but certain things will stay between us and never go any further unless they choose to share.

I think some people view children as not worthy of privacy and dignity as they feel their kids are their property. They forget they are individuals with feelings who may not want everything about their life to be told to others. They forget that they’re going to grow up one day and have feelings about their parents not being trustworthy and loyal to them.

I think your mother and your MIL are at two extremes. Your mother doesn't want her hairdresser to know you are related and your MIL would tell 100 of her nearest and dearest friends all about your gynecological surgery. Your husband was brought up with his mother's approach, so he feels uncomfortable unless he tells her everything. You are the opposite. As others say, you need a happy medium.

I would argue that your son getting in trouble at school is a private thing. It is not your news. It's his news, and therefore his decision whether it is to be shared or to be kept private. Do you want your son to grow up and feel like he can't tell you things because your husband will tell your MIL who will tell the whole neighborhood? No.

Your husband needs to put his own child before his mother. Telling his mother private things about your family is disloyal to you and, if he inappropriately shares your children's private news, then it is also disloyal to your children.

There's little you can do about this as your husband will continue to have access to your children's private info until they are adults. But you can tell him what you think and you can voice your reasonable concerns.

My ex told me comments his sister had made about her sex life, which had been relayed via his dad. Ditto his uncle and aunt’s sex life. And then he admitted that his dad had been told about mine! Urgh. He “didn’t have anyone else to talk to”.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible.

Surely this has more to do with your son getting into "very big trouble" than anything else. What did he actually do? Why does he deserve privacy under those circumstances? Maybe he should've thought about that before he got in very big trouble. It seems like the type of thing that was bound to get out anyway. This all just seems like an excuse not to deal with whatever it is he did which is what you should be focusing on.

YANBU.

Perhaps I'm too cynical but quite frankly... knowledge is power. How other people talk about us shapes how other people think about us and can have real repercusions for us. Celebrities and companies look at 'reputation management' for a reason.

I remember my own DGPs (both sides of the family) sharing horrible gossip about other parts of the family, often in a tone that seemed to me to be faux-sympathetic but came across as frankly triumphant and as reinforcing their own sense of smug superiority. They loved an 'oh dear, x has done this...' Behaviour, emotional difficulties and weight changes were examples of things on the table for over-sharing. I recall even as a kid having that sinking feeling that if they were talking to me like this about my own cousins, I could be damned certain they would talk to my cousins about me in the same way. It all came with a great pressure to achieve, to come across as 'perfect' in the eyes of others, and with a sense of intense shame. My own parents were so deeply worried about what others would say or think that looking good on th surface felt to me to be more important than happiness or other types of success. You couldn't admit weakness.

Funnily enough I was talking to someone the other day who was telling me that he could never let his guard down or share his emotions with his parents because it would end up 'getting back to everyone'.

Like you OP, it might be that I'm projecting my own experiences here, Certainly I know that not everyone who shares stories around does so with the same level of power trip that I experienced from my own DGP. Information-sharing can perform a lot of human functions and perhaps it is lovely to sometimes have human networks of support and problem-solving that reach beyond an insular family unit. Ideally we would also live in a society where making (most sorts of) mistakes is fine as long as we pay our dues and accept the consequences; where we don't need to censor ourselves all the time or to 'manage' our reputations; where people are embraced despite flaws and we seek to understand one another before judging. I don't think it's that likely to happen though. I think reputation has mattered in every society (how else are human beings supposed to work out who to trust and how much?).

That’s me to a Tee. My MIL is the same as the OP’s. I have told my husband never to discuss anything or talk about any plans we have with his mother unless we are ready for everyone to know. I hate anyone knowing everything about me. I don’t trust anyone a 100%, not even my mother.

I completely feel for you. Childhood trauma is awful, it will stay with us for a long time.
First well done for realising what it is thats an amazing step.
Second I think you could do with some therapy. It will help you sort out your feelings which are 100 per cent valid.
How you were brought up isn't your fault it also isn't normal.
It's healthy to share within a family as previous posters have said it really does take a village.
Take a breath, talk to your husband about exactly what happened when you were younger and how it still affects you to this day.
Good luck. You are stronger than you realise.

That would be a major problem - fortunately for us he doesn’t behave like OP’s DH.

Surely in a normal healthy marriage you prioritise the concerns of your spouse over your desire to chat to your parents? I would not expect my DH not to talk to his parents about most things, but I do not want him talking to them about my health, our finances, or about some trouble DC is in which he is ashamed of.