My husband tells his parents everything

I was going to say are they under witness protection or something! I know they’re not, but what drives that extreme need for no one to knowing anything about anything. I mean surely they are just average people with average lives and average ‘secrets’.

YADNBU
Your DH sounds like a blubber mouth.
I wouldn’t like it either. Some things in life should remain private within families.
The incident at school was none of their business imo.

Could I ask whether your parents are British?

My parents were very secretive whilst we were growing up and I discovered that it can be a cultural thing. In adulthood, I met people of the same origin who were similarly secretive and weary of the 'evil eye' etc

Could I ask whether your parents are British?

My parents were very secretive whilst we were growing up and I discovered that it can be a cultural thing. In adulthood, I met people of the same origin who were similarly secretive and weary of the 'evil eye' etc

That's just weird. I wouldn't want my husband telling his parents very personal things, minor arguments etc, but day to day goings on would be fine.

I get it OP. I’m a private person so don’t mouth off about my family to others, I don’t often talk about my family with colleagues for example and I certainly don’t really contact my mother to tell her anything. If something happens, DH and I would sort it. My mum is like your MIL and tells anyone willing to listen. I prefer to keep my business to myself. Don’t know if this is such an issue, I just don’t care for gossip and don’t want to be the centre of it.

It sounds like shame. Im sure you dont mean it to be but it is. Shame hiding as privacy. You are completely entitled to not share but within a family problems shared are lessened and secrets based on shame are not healthy. Why dont you ask your child how they feel.

I am a private person, my DH will tell a stranger all of our business. To the point of even telling people how much money we have.

I am quite relaxed about it, he is not telling state
secrets and I understand he does it out of insecurity. I will have a conversation with him amd if I really don’t want him to say something I tell him. Sometimes to no avail.

I tell my DH everything, even though he has a big mouth. I have no secrets.

It’s a difficult one OP. You know your DH is not doing anything wrong. Your mother did the damage to you. I hear what you are saying about family gossip but is it really that bad, embarrassing or damaging to about your nieces and nephews.

A lot of posters are jumping to the conclusion that the MIL is a terrible gossip and judging the situation on that, but OP doesn't describe her as a gossip. She says that she would likely share information within the family.

When my own nephew was going through some difficulties in school this was widely discussed within my family, including sisters-in-law, because we were all concerned and all wanted to help if we could. It wasn't gossip.

Of course MIL should be cautious about oversharing and the OP's husband should be judicious about what information he shares, but I don't think he's inherently wrong.

I also think a lot of posters have glossed over what I think is a deeply sad and worrying admission by the OP: that she doesn't trust her husband and that whenever she shares something personal about herself, she feels dirty and disgusting. These seem like really serious issues to be dealt with in therapy. I can't imagine feeling this way after confiding in the person I married. It's really sad that OP feels that way. OP your mother has really damaged you.

I totally agree with you OP. I wouldn’t want my family business discussed over the dinner table with other in-laws or anyone the MIL choses to tell. Your husband should respect your wishes. You and your children have a right to privacy about things you’d rather not discuss in public. I think you and your husband need to agree what’s permissible to discuss and what’s not and stick to it. I also wouldn’t tell my partner private stuff if I thought he’d blab it to his parents who’d then discuss it with others. It must be pretty stressful to deal with, so I’d have this out with him and agree where the boundaries lie.

Exactly. My MIL is like this—I know far too many details about her social circle. So no, my kids’ mistakes will not become gossip fodder for this group, nor did my major surgery to repair damage from childbirth—that was all kept under wraps to protect my privacy and my dignity.

Your mum is unhinged and you should definitely be discussing normal husband wife and wider family communication in your therapy. Don’t let her continue to control you- if she hears something about your children and is negative about it you say calmly this is why I don’t discuss my children health or behaviour with you. You’re allowed to name it. You’re allowed to not tell her, and you’re not a bad person because you have healthy relationships with other people. Or because your husband does.
you also need to learn to be clear with your husband that the children are his too, but your private issues are your private issues and not to be shared. Perhaps you should do some joint counseling sessions to help you express this? My dh is very close to his mum and was a chronic oversharer, I had to explain this very clearly and even then when I was pregnant with our first my instructions for my dh included your mum does not get updates on how many cm dilated I am.

Yanbu. Yes your mum's ways sound harmful AND your DH's family sound very unboundaried and frankly disrespectful.

My situation is not the same but there are things I can relate to in your post and some of the comments. The truth is everyone has a line - even people who are saying your DH is not doing anything wrong will have things they wouldn't want shared. Sex life is an obvious one. Perhaps money matters, or marital disputes.

So who is to say where the correct line is?
You are, when it comes to your matters. With your child's business, that will take some negotiation and your child's voice could be taken into consideration too.

I think it's incredibly sad your husband hasn't become a trusted support to you. It sounds lonely for you, and stressful, if it ends in periodic outbursts when you can't keep things in. Would couples counselling to attend to this issue be an option?

Mainly wanted to say, I feel for you because this stuff is really hard. You're talking about feelings of safety and unsafety, when the threat is invisible, intangible, and therefore really hard to navigate and even define sometimes.

That said, not wanting your MIL blabbering about your intimate lives is quite bogstandardly normal.

I totally understand your feelings OP - your upbringing was extreme, which has given you anxiety about sharing your true feelings, but I also don’t think it’s weird to want to control the narrative sometimes.

I have three siblings, and lots of nephews and nieces - and it’s a well-known fact that anything we tell our mum becomes common knowledge. She’ll ‘forget’ she’s not supposed to talk about something and the next thing you know, everyone knows it. This is fine sometimes but like others have said, our kids can get a reputation or become defined by things.

My daughter had the beginnings of an eating disorder for example (which thankfully she’s recovered from after therapy) and I longed to confide in my mum as we’re close - I didn’t though because I didn’t want everyone (siblings, cousins etc) watching my daughter’s eating, making comments, making it an issue - this could have been really harmful to her as she seemed to relax and eat normally when away from home.
Just an example but it’s not ok if you can’t trust someone to keep something to themselves - and I do think kids deserve privacy too.

You both have different beliefs and values. Relationships generally work better if they align. You can’t stop him being who he is. You were brought up differently and now you have children it is more obvious.

These are separate issues. Yes, you’re clearly affected by your upbringing but equally, you and your husband should have agreed an approach regarding this situation with your son (which sounds very difficult). I can understand that you might not want everyone to know about a serious situation you’re trying to navigate, and as you say, you want to give your son the opportunity to move on without the stigma.

What has your husband said specifically about this situation with your son and have you explained the reasons why telling others, particularly those who gossip, might be a bad idea?

Or the dm sent her to a completely different hairdresser as she didn’t want to share hers so if she’d said “you do my mums hair” the hairdresser would have been “who?!”….

Yeah that sounds a bit extreme with the hairdresser, she presumably couldn't trust you with normal hairdresser smalltalk and the hairdresser potentially asking innocent questions about your family. But I get where you are coming from. I hate the idea of being gossip fodder, even if it's just the family talking about it. It creates a sense of bitchiness.... "oooh guess what's happening with so and so..." it would piss me off. I don't have any advice, maybe just if something like the school situation comes up you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about your child's right to privacy and make him promise to stick to it, let him chat about the lesser stuff.

Your child will thank you for this. It's awful growing up with a parent who has no respect for your privacy. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings.

It’s because the in laws are so gossipy they tell her parents for her. So then it looks odd.

It depends how you define ‘normal’. It’s perfectly normal for people to be gossipy just like it’s normal to be private. My MIL would do exactly the same and frame it that she ‘needed’ to talk to people because she was so worried.

I’d be annoyed if my DH did what the OP’s did too.

in THIS specific instance you are 100% correct to keep you child's info private and I would be furious for my H to tell his mother.

However I dont understand your previous post where you said that because he tells his mother things, you then feel obliged to tell yours. Why?

If your, frankly odd, mother finds things out then tough on her. She can't have it both ways. She doesn't want people to talk about her business, so why would she want to know about anyone else's??

I think your DH telling your MIL is normal, your MIL spreading it everywhere is not and potentially hurtful to your child. Can you not establish that as a boundary - i.e. ask MIL to not spread things about the kids that are sensitive.

It’s not necessarily the openness with her MIL that the OP objects to though, it’s the fact that the MIL then tells multiple other people the things that have been shared with her. Children have a right not to have their personal business shared far and wide. There are many things about our family that I’d quite happily share with my MIL, but I won’t because I know that she’d tell people that I wouldn’t be happy to share with. Regardless of whether it makes her husband happy to tell his mum stuff, they have to consider the rights of their children to privacy.

This!