My husband tells his parents everything

I do understand this, my MIL and her family always want to be the first to pass on negative gossip and really thrive on it - who’s died, whose child can’t walk yet, any health issues etc… it’s never the positive things and that’s what I don’t like.

I recently found out that she’d told all her family something about my own mums health in her family group chat and it really upset me. I can’t stop my husband telling her things when he talks to her but it’s so frustrating that it then becomes a source of gossip with people we don’t even speak to!

I think this situation is quite common but it can definitely cause my problems.
We are the same, I tell my parents everything, my son tells me everything. My husband doesnt tell his family anything and they dont tell us. Makes me feel like you dont fully know them and there's always a distance between us. Whenever we talk its just pleasantries and real life gets swept under the carpet.
This has effected us greatly the past few years as my husband has been very unwell, been in hospital a few times and cant work. They dont know anything about it. At a time when we really could have used their support. I suffered for 2 years then told him I was telling my own parents. I didnt care what he said. I now have them to support me. Unfortunately my daughter is the same as them. Keeps everything to herself. I already know this is going to affect our relationship as adults. I really do think that family should be involved in life to give support and guidance

I completely agree with you OP.

The problem isn't your DH talking to his DM. The problem is that your MIL is a thoughtless gossip.

It is normal to share information with close family, and as you have already identified yourself, it would be generally be wrong of you to prevent your husband talking to his mum about things that are important to him (although it is completely reasonable to expect him to exercise discretion where the topic concerns you personally).

It is completely unreasonable for your MIL to then share this further as common gossip. Unfortunately she is unlikely to change, and so YANBU to tell your DH that you do not want him to discuss private family matters with her. She clearly cannot be trusted.

you do sound like you are projecting, and it may be worth seeking some mental health support for this. All sounds very strange and your mother also could do with some support for what seems to be paranoia.

that being said, we don’t disclose every small detail to my MIL, but no matter what we tell her, it makes its way round the family like wildfire. If we’re unwell, have a job interview, tree falls over in our garden, we get messages from everyone in his family saying sorry/good luck etc and it’s annoying! We don’t have anything to hide per se, but we are careful with anything we don’t want banded about!

Try to let that part of you go. It is years of learned behaviour from a paranoid person = your mother.
My aunt is a bit like this, she frowned when I told her that nobody else would be interested in her life or business. Ridiculous behaviour.

You can, but the issue is respecting that your children may think differently to you. Also when it’s a child’s behavioural issue, some people like to remind others of it often because they’re arseholes, or maybe just not realising that the child may feel embarrassed in time.

I'd happily stick my medical history on a noticeboard - so I struggle with what anyone want's to keep "secret"? Prison sentences? - but they get published.

Bankruptcy, I suppose. Sexual issues?

I would find it draining trying to imagine what all your rules might or might not be, OP.

But then, we are a product of our lives to date.

This is tricky because both have you have very different relationships with your family. My parents have very poor boundaries (always have done) and as a result I have learned the hard way and give them very little information. I would have loved to have being able to share problems etc in the way your husband feels he can but the way our family is set up it means that I am, like yourself, quite guarded with personal information. I think the only thing you can reasonably do is fully explain to your husband your reasons for not liking it, hopefully he can understand your perspective a little and this may mean that he considers what gets passed on and what remains private. But ultimately, you can’t stop him from sharing with his family or control what he shares, especially as he views them as his support network.

I come from a large family . I could tell my mother anything and l would be 100% sure she would not gossip about it to my siblings. I know that because she never told me stuff about them. I think it's dangerous if stuff gets passed around as there is too many people involved.
For example, as a teen my ds got into all sorts and l discussed it many times with her but l fully know it went no further and now he is a sensible adult and doesn't have opinions hanging over him from aunties etc. It means a lot.
Your family were extreme but your dh is too much the other way. What happened in school should be kept between yourselves. It would be fine to tell grandma if she is a wise soul who would give good advice but not pass it on. But she is not!
Its time to sit down and have a discussion about what is personal and what isn't. My dh has a habit of saying stuff to just acquaintances and l have to rein him in. If my friend bought a new house he would ask me how much they paid. When l say in a million years l am not asking her that he says you're weird but l respect my friends privacy and am not for changing.
Try to get a balance with dh and he needs to respect your wishes too. Everything can't be blamed on your upbringing he is out of order too.
Meet in the middle.

I think you've been wired up from an early age to think any kind of disclosure, even trivial, = HIGH DANGER. This must be hard, but I hope you can relax a bit over time!

This is very strange !!!!
Is she a spy or something or maybe she have paranoid tendencies!

My DH had a habit of telling his mother everything too. She loved to be ‘in the know’ and would lord it over everyone how she knew everyone’s business. When we fell pregnant with DC2 due to contraception failing, he confided in her about how we were feeling etc. Several months later at a family gathering, she loudly said to me in front of everyone “I bet you’re glad you didn’t abort hi now aren’t you”

That amongst other things has now made him pull back from her and not share our personal lives with her.

Just because she’s your husbands mother, doesn’t mean she has automatic entitlement to know your business.

Gosh, it's getting more and more strange. Whatever would make her say that?

Some of the older generation are strange about 'bothering' others. Although I'm sure the hairdresser would have been glad of the business.

In this instance, I think he was out of order sharing this news out of consideration for your child and their ongoing ability to move on from the incident. Sounds like you and the school dealt with it appropriately and it was not the subject for further discussion.

I'm sorry you feel like you have to guard your language around him and I think, given that you have framed it as trauma, (which it sounds as if you have a traumatic response to it), he should be more mindful of this.

I think it's fine to protect your children's privacy in the circumstances you describe. I also think it sounds like you know the difference between what is appropriate sharing (a hairdresser's name for eg! You recognise that is odd) and what you can be more circumspect about.

Perhaps you can be clearer with him: look can we agree, anything sensitive about the kids, let's keep it between us? How would you feel if you mucked up at work and I told my family? Would you mind?

Sorry - it's a tough one!

We had the same childhood. It’s exactly controlling the narrative. I also was given lies to repeat from a very young age.

I get it, a lot of people do lack sufficient boundaries and don't make decisions independently. Children shouldn't be humiliated by childhood errors being the subject of gossip amongst family or friends. I remember my mother telling family members with glee whatever stupid (childish, well duh) thing I had done. It resulted in a huge barrier between us because she was not trustworthy. I've always given only surface level information about my children to her. Only my closest, trustworthy confidants would I turn to for advice. I respect my kids to much to treat them as a source of anecdotes for others amusement or horror!

That is very very strange behaviour….

But they’re not staying within the family, that’s the point. The OP has said that the MIL won’t keep the information within the family and will tell everyone and anyone.

But you really do need help to make sure your children don't end up damaged as well.

This is bizarre.

My mother can’t keep anything to herself so I don’t share anything personal with her. My mother in law would never break a confidence so I have no issues sharing something personal with her. I’m very private but I know my parents just can’t be trusted so they don’t get to know anything that I don’t want announced to their friends.

Was your mum a spy, OP?