My husband tells his parents everything

You have been brought up to believe everyone is talking about you and your business. It’s not the case. Sharing family news with your mum is completely natural.

Set yourself free by allowing yourself to be vulnerable to people. I don’t give a shit who knows what about me. I want a wide range of people I can confide in and lean on, and talk to. When you internalise everything you are keeping your world and your support options small.

When you are open with people they will be open with you - it builds relationships and trust.

She's either been slagging off "her daughter" to the hairdresser or telling porkies pies about you. She was obviously worried the hairdresser would say "oh you're Marian's daughter with the genital warts!".

There is no need for your husband to tell his parents everything. Some things are private and absolutely none of their business and should be kept between husband and wife. I think you need to sit down and find where the line should be drawn.

This is tricky and not sure if it's black and white, but I think the point you are making is that your MIL is an oversharer and indiscreet with maybe her own and other people's info. It's not really fair on your child to be punished at school and maybe had consequences at home for bad behaviour for it then to be discussed further or used for gossip by relatives concerned or not. Would your child worry if aunts, uncles and cousins new etc? If it's been dealt with then the chapters closed. I can also appreciate and am guilty myself of consulting my parents on things relating to my DC. so i can see both sides.

I would really suggest going back to individual therapy and even a few sessions of couple counselling.

I tell my mum everything. But, if there was something my husband really didn’t want anyone else to know, I would not tell her.

You do need to be able to keep some of your personal life private within your marriage. And you should be able to discuss this with your husband. Have you ever had that conversation? Does he know that somethings are just for his ears?

Over 200 replies already but I'll add my two cents. No, you're not being unreasonable at all. Please disregard anyone who isn't considering nuance here. I don't think he should have to keep everything a secret, but it sounds like you already adjusted for that after reflecting on your childhood experiences. But he can get general advice from his parents without giving specifics. Once you build your own family, it's fine to ask for a certain level of privacy. But where you draw that line requires input from both of you.
He could have shared that 'something' happened at school without going into detail. Did you explicitly agree together what detail you'd provide?

I wouldn't live with someone who couldn't respect my privacy. I've experienced that before and I ended it. Have you tried sharing with your in-laws that you prefer to leave the room when they talk about people's private lives? Have you explained you prefer other topics of conversation? It's not polite to gossip about people and it indicates a lack of knowledge or awareness in other areas of conversation. Or you could avoid the awkward direct convo by buying them a book next birthday/Christmas "the art of making conversation".

Ahahahhahahah

OP, I don’t think your issues are as bad as some people think they are. My parents were not very nice and when I grew up I saw less and less of them. I certainly never told them my secrets. My ILs were lovely but we didn’t live in each other’s pockets.
Your husband should be able to keep things from his parents if you ask him to. Your MIL sounds awful discussing everybody’s problems. I am sure your children don’t want everything they do discussed within the wider family. Their own immediate family should provide protection. My husband and I have always kept some things between ourselves. When our children were young they could rely on us not telling other people things that they had told us in confidence. Our adult children do not tell us everything about their personal lives and we get on very well. I do not need to know the details of everyone else’s lives. I have a proper life to live. It sounds that your MIL does not have a fulfilling life.

This is just...weird? Me and my mum have the same hairdresser. Hairdresser knows we're mother and daughter, I can't fathom why she wouldn't! Why does your mum want to know she's not related to you.

Your husbands family sound entirely normal. It's exactly the thing I'd expect my husband to tell my MIL if I hadn't already told her first!

I get what you’re saying. You want to be able to talk freely but to know it will be kept to those concerned. Neither of you are wrong or right, just need to try and meet in the middle. It’s good if the mother in law keeps it in the family. Better than having one who would tell everyone she saw in a shared locality…it may help to tell her how you feel one day. You need a trusted confidante.

I have an Aunt like this. She is obsessed with everyone else’s business, telling me about work colleagues daughter who’s fiance had run off with another woman, told me I should get work done on my house by so and so’s
husband as he’s been made redundant and they’re struggling for money, etc etc. ‘Remember x? You do - the one from… well you should see her now!! Piled it on!! What a shame…’

I’d see other family who would ask me how we were doing with xyz which were personal things I’d told her at another time. I remember one lady I only vaguely knew via this Aunty who loudly shouted to me in Primark ‘I’m sorry to hear you lost the baby last year!’

Like you, I’ve had to limit myself what I tell my Dad as he always tells her (his sister) and then the whole world and his wife knows about it a few hours later.

You just need to make it clear to him that some things are private close family matters, as in your home family, not his Mum because she tells everyone else.

My MIL isn’t like this luckily but my 3 aunties are, so I’ve had it my whole childhood and now well into my 30s and I keep them all at arms length now.

What a huge amount of energy you must expend, OP, tying yourself in tight knots to keep so much in. You and your DH are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which must be hard. It sounds trite, but if each of you moved a bit, you'd be closer together and things would be easier.

As someone nearer to your DH than you, what influenced me was something the vicar of our local church said to my mum when my dad died young-ish and my mum was worried about what people might say: that all of human life could be found in the houses surrounding ours. Your upbringing has made sharing pretty much anything taboo, but the norm is to share much, not to conceal nearly everything.

I think if there has never been any negative fall out from anything your DH has told his family that you’d rather he hadn’t, then yabu.

However, sadly, sometimes there can be, as our in-laws are not our direct family and people can be very different with very different opinions about things, and it’s true you do have to sometimes be selective about what you say to whom. So I also get where you are coming from OP.

My mum, keeps the immediate family informed of everything! I think its a generational thing that pre dates mobiles when long labdline phones calls were expensive 😄

The hairdresser thing is weird !
I think the issue is your MIL gossips , I wouldn’t be comfortable either.
He can share what he likes about him but when it comes to the kids or your health etc you need to discuss that first IMO
Nobody likes being gossiped about

In close families things do get discussed and it's considered normal. Things that happen at school become known about in the community because other kids in the school will know. The kids can be pretty oblivious though. For example, I was amazed to find out what my mother knew about the notorious teenage scandals in my class 20 years later. I think having to censor yourself all the time is not healthy and will take its toll on you. Your mother not wanting you to go to her hairdresser or say who you are is extremely odd behaviour, and hurtful.

I think you need to tell this to DP. How you feel when you are open and how it links to your mums behaviour because of course youd feel like this after her odd narrative controlling ways.

And I think theres balance to be had between wanting to let DH in slowly without fear of it immediately being repeated and trusting his judgement that somethings arent "gossip" or "telling" its just sharing with people you trust.

Your mum ruined your ability to trust and your DHs family sound like they might have the ability to help you heal a bit

As an aside whatever trouble DC has been in, again no-one is saying they should be shuned or anything. But sometimes giving someone "privacy" regarding a bad thing theyve done is kinda like sweeping it away and avoiding accountability and thats a balance too.

Lean on DH and his family, I hope it helps

If my child had done something servere enough I had to work with the school and have consequences I would value the support of my family over the child's "privacy"

I accept this depends on what your family are like but it sounds like your DHs family are close and communicative.

And youre defo projecting. I wouldnt worry. Youre a family and everyone will want to do best in your DCs interests

I think there is a middle line between keeping everything private and gossiping. To me the person about to share news should always ask themself “ is this my news to share or is it someone else’s “ If it’s yours fine divulge as much as you want but if it is about someone else and you repeat it you are gossiping and gratuitously spreading their news just so you appear more interesting

I agree. In some ways we were very open/too open?, but there was also secrecy in order to protect others from feeling worried. My mum is a worried (as am I) and we tend keep things from each other so as not to worry the other which is a shame as we then can't support each other due to not wanting to burden the other 🫤

I agree, normal stuff is OK but I grew up with my mother discussing my every misdemeanour with her family, sometimes in front of me, and it was awful, I could not wait to get away.

She forbade me from talking about some things, had double standards.

My mum grew up in a secretive family, too. Some of the "secrets" were genuinely private things, but others.... as another PP said, nothing good came out of it except family members turning against each other.

The way I see it: secrets and shame go hand-in-hand. Noone should be made to feel guilty for sharing totally normal life stuff with family. If they are, they will soon start feeling guilty about everything and anything, which is toxic. Don't fall into that trap, OP.

Yes, I wouldn't necessarily apply my own rules to info about DC.
But, even then, I would happily say what Uni she is at etc, or what A levels she took. Would hate to live in a world where I had to pretend she didn't exist

I dont think you are unreasonable.

When i am deciding what to tell who the first thing i consider is is this my information.
If not, do i have the right to share it. - need to know v want to know.

What's the purpose of sharing it. Would the person whose information it is want or need me to share it. Will the person i am sharing with respect the privacy of the person whose information it is, etc

People are too free with other people's information imo. Just because they are related to you does not mean they arent allowed privacy.