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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “you do you” can come across as passive aggressive?

59 replies

TheOpenGreenBird · 15/05/2026 17:07

Whenever someone says “you do you”, it often feels a bit passive aggressive to me, like they don’t really agree but don’t want to say it outright. I know it can also be meant genuinely but I’m not always convinced.

AIBU?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 15/05/2026 22:51

For me it's just another way to say let's agree to disagree. I don't find it passive aggressive, it's just a way to recognize you're at an impasse and there's really nothing more to say.

Thefrenchconnection1 · 15/05/2026 22:33

I use 'both you do' you and 'each to their own' and mean it. I don't see it as PA. Maybe it's because I usually say what I mean and not playing word games though. Phrases to avoid then based on this chat then 🙄

AgnesMcDoo · 15/05/2026 21:32

its always meant rudely

Livpool · 15/05/2026 21:30

Fidgety31 · 15/05/2026 17:10

I see it as meaning along the lines of ‘go fuck your self’ but just in a more socially acceptable way .

Exactly!

DoreenSlater · 15/05/2026 19:02

It’s very seldom used in a genuine, non passive aggressive way. Same with HTH.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2026 18:07

I've always assumed it was MEANT to be passive-aggressive!

As has already been said by @DdraigGoch, it's a rewording of "on your head be it".

Arrowthroughtheknee · 15/05/2026 17:54

I thought that it was supposed do?

CurlewKate · 15/05/2026 17:52

It’s never anything BUT passive agressive in my experience!!

singthing · 15/05/2026 17:49

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2026 17:33

Perhaps the reason it sounds PA is because that is the intention.

’Each to their own’ is more neutral.

100% this.

It's usually used in sentences like "I couldn't possibly go out drinking while my child was lying sick in bed, but you do you"

...... when OP has asked something like "AIBU to have a beer in the garden while my 14 year old rests with a cold"

youalright · 15/05/2026 17:48

Well yeah I say it when someone is making a stupid or selfish decision after me telling them how stupid and selfish it is but they still want to do it anyway. I never thought it was nice thats why im saying it.

IsabellaVireauxLaurent · 15/05/2026 17:45

maybe but if the person is known for doing x anyway then it prevents arguments ?

KojaksLollipop · 15/05/2026 17:44

Yes, very.
When people suggest it on here it makes me wince.

Grammarninja · 15/05/2026 17:42

Quitelikeit · 15/05/2026 17:28

Yikes I didn’t know this and I say it to mean yeah go for it do whatever works for you - 🫢😭

Totally depends on the situation x

Makemeinvisible · 15/05/2026 17:41

I'd never heard the expression until I started using MN.

It always comes over to me as being very contemptuous.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2026 17:33

Perhaps the reason it sounds PA is because that is the intention.

’Each to their own’ is more neutral.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 15/05/2026 17:33

It seems to either be passive aggressive or condescending when I’ve heard it.

SwatTheTwit · 15/05/2026 17:31

I hate it. DD always says it as a way to not engage in actual conversation.

NovemberMorn · 15/05/2026 17:30

TeaPot496 · 15/05/2026 17:25

You do you, boo, sounds a bit softer!

It really doesn't. 😄

TipsyLaird · 15/05/2026 17:29

Or course it can. Just like "each to their own" means you do your own thing, but know I am judging you to high heaven for it.

Quitelikeit · 15/05/2026 17:28

Yikes I didn’t know this and I say it to mean yeah go for it do whatever works for you - 🫢😭

TeaPot496 · 15/05/2026 17:25

You do you, boo, sounds a bit softer!

Aliceinmunsnetland · 15/05/2026 17:24

"Well, you having said that, I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong." Is my fave go to when I think someone is talking shite.

GoodkneeBadKnee · 15/05/2026 17:18

Merkins · 15/05/2026 17:13

Of course it’s passive aggressive - it’s intended to be. I’d be very surprised if anyone ever thought otherwise.

Exactly.

NovemberMorn · 15/05/2026 17:17

Or...you just carry on regardless no matter how wrong I think you are.