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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “you do you” can come across as passive aggressive?

59 replies

TheOpenGreenBird · 15/05/2026 17:07

Whenever someone says “you do you”, it often feels a bit passive aggressive to me, like they don’t really agree but don’t want to say it outright. I know it can also be meant genuinely but I’m not always convinced.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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MustardGlass · 16/05/2026 10:52

You do you - I don’t have the energy for your crazy shit.
You do you boo - go fuck yourself.

treetophome · 16/05/2026 10:51

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2026 17:33

Perhaps the reason it sounds PA is because that is the intention.

’Each to their own’ is more neutral.

I agree.

Each to their own is fine, its neutral and factual.

"you do you" sounds like a pass agg dig as if you are patronisingly giving someone permission to carry on doing what they're already doing despite the fact they dont even care what you think anyway!

I always find it a curious thing to say- when people have said it to me I think, why are you saying this? of course I will "do" what I'm currently doing, I dont need your permission to carry on living my life the way I want to 😂

Mosaic123 · 16/05/2026 10:50

It's pretty rude as a phrase I think.

DappledThings · 16/05/2026 10:48

HoppityBun · 16/05/2026 02:38

YANBU yes it’s passive aggressive
YABU that’s the intention

Exactly this. Far more succinctly than I was going to be.

It's never meant as anything other than PA.

Fantailed · 16/05/2026 10:46

TipsyLaird · 15/05/2026 17:29

Or course it can. Just like "each to their own" means you do your own thing, but know I am judging you to high heaven for it.

Yes, exactly. But it’s meant to, usually.

If I say ‘You do you’ on here, what I mean is ‘You are making a monumentally stupid decision, but as you seem absolutely resistant to other possibilities which have been lengthily explained to you by previous posters, knock yourself out’.

InterestedDad37 · 16/05/2026 10:39

I think I first heard it in a supportive 'be brave, proud of yourself' way - imagine Gok Wan saying "you do you, babe, floral tops are very flattering for the fuller figure".
But yes, now it's most pass-aggy.

mindutopia · 16/05/2026 10:17

It’s literally meant to be passive aggressive. I can’t imagine any other way it could be taken. 😂

BillieWiper · 16/05/2026 10:06

It means 'I would never do that myself but you go ahead.'

In fact it doesn't even mean 'go ahead' it means 'omg you should stop doing it immediately because it makes me think less of you as a human being and my opinion and the way I do things are superior'.

Nobody has ever used it in a kind or positive way. If you think they did then you've misread them.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/05/2026 10:02

The kinder way is live and let live

ClayPotaLot · 16/05/2026 03:16

I think it's frequently meant passive aggressively, but it's also frequently genuine. Like all language, meaning is conveyed through non verbal cues.

SouthernNights59 · 16/05/2026 03:03

NovemberMorn · 15/05/2026 17:12

It's a really irritating 'modern' phrase, whichever way it's meant.

Passive aggressive is a really irritating 'modern' phrase.

HoppityBun · 16/05/2026 02:38

YANBU yes it’s passive aggressive
YABU that’s the intention

MajorLanceYouDontWantMeNoMoreNsoul · 16/05/2026 02:34

DoreenSlater · 15/05/2026 19:02

It’s very seldom used in a genuine, non passive aggressive way. Same with HTH.

When I first started on MN (nc a lot) I asked what it meant and I thought that's nice.
I know better now 6yrs in.

ValleyoftheShadow · 16/05/2026 00:51

Interesting, because I've never seen it as anything other than a statement of indifference. If I said 'you do you', it's really just saying, 'you do it your way, I"ll do it mine, all good'. Definitely not passive aggressive. Just that I have no investment and don't care that we do things differently.

Friendlygingercat · 16/05/2026 00:35

Ive never heard this.. It sounds like one of those modern expressions used by people with a poor vocabulary. Similar to:

Suck it up
Gives me the ick
Minging
and so on.

Pistachiocake · 15/05/2026 23:52

Well yes, it is, but they're just admitting you have the right to do what you want, but they don't have to agree with your view.
Or some people say it to suggest they're really keen on everyone marching to the beat of their own drum, and I LOVE THAT FOR YOU, always, in capitals.

GuelderRoses · 15/05/2026 23:28

"I think you are an complete and utter blithering idiot to do <whatever> but if you really are absolutely adamant in refusing to listen to any of my sage common-sense advice and are determined to press on with your mind-bogglingly absurd and foolhardy course of action - on your own stupid head be it. Now go away, you insufferable tit."

Or, if you really can't be bothered to say all that:

"You do you."
Grin

nam3c4ang3 · 15/05/2026 23:19

It’s a fucking irritating line - I’ve had people say that to me with the ‘hun’ at the end in a work setting about following SOP. It’s not a ‘you do you hun ‘ when it’s protocol you fucking moron.

blythet · 15/05/2026 23:15

Anything can be passive agressive depending on the context and tone

LaughingCat · 15/05/2026 23:14

I use it but only genuinely so cringing now 😩 How many people must have thought I was making a subtle dig?!

outofofficeon · 15/05/2026 23:14

It’s incredibly pass agg

SqueakyFromme · 15/05/2026 23:13

It’s a MN cliche like ‘ give your head a wobble ‘ etc, have never read it anywhere else or heard it being spoken in reality

Marmalady75 · 15/05/2026 23:11

Maybe it depends on where you live or something? My friends and I don’t use it in a pass gag way. It’s more like cheerleading - eg when someone says they’ve had a run in with another person at work and they say how they will deal with it and they ask for my advice/support it’s “you do you and let them stew”.

PollyBell · 15/05/2026 23:00

To some people other people existing is passive aggressive i dont get bothered by it

ThisSunnyBee · 15/05/2026 22:55

DdraigGoch · 15/05/2026 17:16

Surely it's the same as "on your head be it"

Nope