To expect my son to let me know how his GCSEs are going?

Didn't have a mobile when I did GCSEs 🤣

My father was living in another country at the time I did my Standard Grades (Scottish GCSEs). I would have been fairly non-communicative with either parent because if I’d said:

• exams went really badly = get ear bent with requests for forensic analysis of WHY I though that
• exams went really well = potentially get egg all over face when results come through.

Or maybe your son has no sense either way of how they went so nothing to say?

I’d stop encouraging your son to sent his father updates when he’s with you. The favour isn’t returned so don’t martyr yourself for him.

My parents are divorced it never crossed my mind to let my other parent know how my exams had gone.

I get it, I was on tenterhooks when my kids did their exams and wanted to know immediately afterwards if both my child and the exam was ok, and it’s tough to rein yourself back (though I like to feel like I did).

In your position I would find a week of silence excruciating, so I feel for you.

The only piece of advice I can give is that I tended to get much more feedback (& quickly) from subjects they felt I’d been there with them through.

So, for example, I might get “remember when we saw Inspector Called ant the theatre and X happened? That scene came up as a question today and I think I discussed it really well.”

Or; “those flash cards you spend an hour quizzing me on last night were blinking useless, except for the last one which was the first question on the exam, so I know that went well at least.”

That's a shame, he doesn't value money.

Is your boy back with you now? Next week should be easier for you.

He's got enough on. Assume no news is good news.

There's nothing you can do about the exams he has already done and you shouldn't put any more pressure on him now. Let him focus on the next exam and you'll find out in the summer.

That was me as a kid.

You could try “inviting” him to talk about them, for example “tell me about them if you want”. Many teenagers will not be forthcoming about this, especially if they then fear being told “you should have worked harder”.

My mum was a teacher, and she was always interrogating me about homework and exams, with loaded questions such as “how did your mark compare with the other marks in the class”? The result was that I got into huge spirals of lying, and refusing to work at all in the subjects I didn’t like, I got into awful trouble for it.

I don't get much from my kids when they are at their dad's. I wouldn't expect to during GCSE.
You want him to say I am ok. What if he isn't? What does knowing that he is or isn't ok do to help? Nothing you can do about it anyway. He will ask if he needs your help.
I just got used to low contact when thwy were at their dads. They know I am there if they need me ever. So send some supportive messages and don't expect much in return. All you can do really

You need to get out of the habit of thinking your child owes you a message to reassure you because then it becomes all about you and them having an extra burden of making sure you are ok. Right now he is doing what is probably the most stressful thing he has done until now. Let him get on with it and offer support and encouragement and don't burden him with your own needs right now.

Unless you’re Hermione granger in Harry Potter and enjoy dissecting every exam after coming out of them - most people do the exam and then try and forget about them.

reliving it ‘I missed 2 questions’ ‘my favourite topic didn’t come up’ is more likely to lead to anxiety for the next than tell you anything meaningful.

if he felt he aced it - he may tell you or he may not - but step back , trust him and let him let him be. It’s one of the most highly stressed points in HIS life. HE is going through it not you. You feel you are as a parent - but you are a mere bystander and need to just cheerlead from the side.

be supportive - send text messages of ‘hope maths goes well today’ or ‘thinking of you’ but leave it there.

teenage boys are often pretty taciturn in general and talking about exams with you is really not going to be high on his priorities.

let him know you love him, believe in him, care and then be there when the results come out. Hopefully all will go to plan and he can take his next planned steps - but if they haven’t gone do well - he’ll need you to support him to realise it is not the end of the world and retakes or alternative options and path ways are available.

I know my Ex & his wife have wanted to know how our DD is doing. Not necessarily how the exams are going, as that can be hard to judge, but how she is.
So if they haven’t heard from her they message me and I quickly respond.

I completely understand that things are difficult with your ex so, for example, you aren’t able to phone your son, but that isn’t your son’s fault.

I appreciate it would take him no time at all to say ‘I’m ok’ but maybe it’s more nuanced than that. If he’s not, how does he explain that on a text to you. As a teen, even in person he might not be able to. I think communication with teens can be difficult.

You are not unreasonable to be frustrated but there’s a lot about being separated with DC that isn’t ideal. It’s hard enough with an ex you can communicate. So you have my sympathies but try not to have too much ill feeling towards your son who is under a lot of pressure at the moment.

No Op

do not ring him up after every exam FGS

It’s fine for you to say ‘How did it go?’

It’s also fine for him not to reply. His priority this week is his exams, not his mother.

When my child did theirs, they didn't want to be asked about them as they were already sick of school going on about GCSEs for months beforehand.

So, I told my child that I was there for them if they ever needed to talk about the exams but I wouldn't specifically ask about them because I knew that they were sick of hearing talk about GCSEs.

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme I don’t think you are being unreasonable per se. I know how it feels (as I am in a similar position) to put blood sweat and tears into supporting your DC through this period. It kind of feels like you are in it together… so of course it totally reasonable that you’d want to know how he’s been getting on. If you have a good relationship then of course you’ll want to hear it straight from him.

That said I see the pressure on DS to have to report on how things went each day with 2 sets of parents. That’s not his main concern right now. I’m sure he can barely be bothered to even share how it went with even 1 of us let alone both of us. The reporting back doesn’t help him. It only serves us.

Its nice for us to know how they think it went but it’s not essential- particularly when they are at their other parent’s. I’d just leave it and assume you’ll get nothing back when they are with their DF. Him being happy and well rested is more important than how you feel about this.

One if ours flatly refused to talk about his exams except a shrug and ok. He did ok in some, others not so well but got onto his college course. His view was its over , there's no point in talking about, or dissecting it, it wont help either way.

We played ut his way.

I think you should just ring him up after each one and ask him how it went. Then they know you are interested and can talk about it. Doesn't matter if they just say OK or crap. At least you have touched base. I text mine Good Luck! 🍀🍀🍀and we live in the same house. It's just checking in so they feel the positive vibes and support. Hope the rest of the exams go well. Even if not some of the most successful people I know are self made with no GCSEs. Xxxx

Sorry OP, not relevant really to thread. If he wasn’t here I don’t think he would actually contact me to tell me. I think I just get offloaded to because I am around at the right/wrong time.

Oh my lord, I get chapter and verse. Every question and the fine detail of what was written. Every Macbeth quote. Every historical source. I feel like I’ve sat five exams myself this week. And the worst thing is……all this detail comes at 11pm as I’m very nearly asleep.

Perhaps a 'how are you' rather than 'how did it go'? Nobody likes talking about exams.

He probably doesn't know how they went since he hasn't got his results yet. Leave him be its a stressful enough time as it is without parents mithering you about it. Or maybe he felt like they were terrible and doesn't fancy sharing that information? It's not his responsibility to calm your nerves, only his own.