To expect my son to let me know how his GCSEs are going?

Yes, I was divorced from when ds was age 2 and similar pattern of contact by the time he reached GCSE age. I found that he didn't really want to discuss it and would send messages if he did. Most of that age, particularly boys, tend to view it that once the exam is done there's no point discussing it as they can't change anything anyway. If you've been divorced since he was 3 then your contact pattern is established and very kindly you just need to treat it as the usual 7 days and enjoy his company when he returns. My ex was the same, actively discouraged contact on 'his' time. Maybe your ds is just discussing this sort of thing with his dad at the moment and will get to you later?
My ds is now 24, our contact is mainly by WhatsApp, he can go weeks without 'talking' then I'll get a random message and we'll have a conversation.
You're finding these changes difficult, but time keeps moving and they change.

thats not his fault though is it?

yes it’s disappointing but really not something to address now

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme I have the same with my DS - get next to no comms on the 50/50 at his Dad's, never have done really (he's ND so not a great communicator at the best of times) and a tricky comms relationship with the ex too so feel can'task him. I just send a message and a "you got this" type gif in the morning before each exam. When I see him next, the focus will just be getting through the next chunk of revision and exams. It's utter rubbish but not a lot that can be done about it and just need to suck it up. I bloody hate coparenting and its at times like these I do question my choices momentarily!

AIBU to expect the OP to let us know whether DS chatted about his GCSEs when he came over this weekend?!

My DS is also doing GCSEs. He doesn’t say much anyway. You don’t really how you got on. My DD is doing A Levels;; she does chat more about was in the exams etc but she’s always been more willing to share info about school…

I dont like talking about how my exams have gone after I have done them. I just like to put them out of my mind!
Leave him be!

He doesn’t know how they’re going. He hasn’t got any grades yet.

I feel for you op, it’s hard when you’re scratching around for crumbs of information. There is nothing you can do. Send the odd text, and don’t expect a response. Your ds maybe is unsure of how to answer. You’re looking for reassurance but you’re not going to get any.

My ex is an arsehole too, and he loves a power play. Don't rise to it.

It's really not about you, yabu! My kids and I have talked about exam coping strategies and both have said they hate the 'hows it going question' - if it feels like its gone well theyre scared to say that out loud in case theyre wrong and dont get good grades. If they feel it hasnt gone well the last thing they want to do.is dissect it. Im afraid with exams you really have to focus on the support they need not your expectations of them. And at gcse age its not either parents job to get them to text the other, 'gently' or not, they are old enough to manage their relationship with each parent directly imo

Oops my bad.

It is a short thread. Seriously. Yes the op has been messaging her son. Hence the thread

I understand why you’d prefer DS to be with you while doing exams- even if you don’t get any info from him you could still get a feel for his stress levels and make sure he’s well fed and getting enough sleep etc. Hopefully his Dad is doing that. Understandable it feels stressful to you not knowing how he is-but, kindly, this isn’t your son’s fault or problem, he has enough on, and I think you just have to accept your set up is such that you don’t get much choice over this.

I’ve had a quick scroll through your replies OP so might have missed it, but have you messaged your son and asked him how he is and how the exams are going? If not, why not? When my daughter has done exams after each one I send her a quick message to ask how it went, even though I will be seeing her in a few hours.

As an aside, I don’t and haven’t for several years, interfered with how often (or not in her case) she contacts her father.

Did DS open up re exams once he came over yesterday @Youshouldbestrongerthanme ?

Yabu.

He has enough stress to deal with without having to wander to you.

Have you bothered to reach out and ask him how they have gone?

I think it's a bit pressurised to be asking him to tell you. He doesn't have the results, so he only really knows if he's absolutely screwed up (e.g. not written anything/known anything) and I guess it's unlikely that's happened (plus if he has massively screwed it up, hes not going to want to chat about it).

Otherwise what can he even say "I turned up, answered the questions, think it was ok". If he says it went well he just puts more pressure on the results. If he says it felt hard, you will worry/be annoyed with him for not revising enough. He doesn't really know does he and once they're done, there's nothing he can do - so it's not like you can give him advice, it just forces him to dwell on what he did. Better to just put them out your mind when you're done.

Let him be, GCSEs are stressful enough without having to re-hash them with your mum via phone or text.

I must be so lucky with my son, he always discusses with me how his exam went. We've discussed his revision schedule and each of his upcoming exams and how he feels. If he's with his dad I ask how he's got on (so he knows I'm thinking of him) and he will call me to let me know how he got on.

I don't pressurise him at all, he's developed a revision schedule off his own back and I've not had to ask him to revise, he gets on with it. We are very close though and I know he would want me to check in with him because the exams are important to him, so it's important to me that he knows I'm interested.

I must be so lucky with my son, he always discusses with me how his exam went. We've discussed his revision schedule and each of his upcoming exams and how he feels. If he's with his dad I ask how he's got on (so he knows I'm thinking of him) and he will call me to let me know how he got on.

I don't pressurise him at all, he's developed a revision schedule off his own back and I've not had to ask him to revise, he gets on with it. We are very close though and I know he would want me to check in with him because the exams are important to him, so it's important to me that he knows I'm interested.

How did you get on?

Fine
or
Grand

The end of conversation 🙈

Yes, I think a quick message from your 16 year old at some point in the week is reasonable. Not even necessarily about exams but just a general chat. Is it typical of ds to spend all week with one parent and not be in contact with the other at all during that time?

Rather than asking him how it went, why not just send him texts of encouragement each day? Just a quick… ‘Thinking of you today’ or ‘Hope it all goes ok today’ would be much better for his probably already high stress levels.

I get it OP! Co-parenting is hard, especially at times like this, but pushing for updates isn’t the way to go about this. You know your EX parents differently, so don’t bother asking him to do something for you, he won’t. Just let your boy know you’re thinking about him and when he’s with you don’t worry about his dad knowing what’s going on as he’s clearly not bothered!

@Isittimeformynapyet is spot on. I know you mean well and want to show you care but you’re making this about you rather than him. I’ve spent many years keeping a parent at a distance because they fight so hard to be involved in everything. Any stressful life event I’m going though I somehow end up being the one to reassure them I’m ok and almost manage their anxiety for them. It’s exhausting.

He’s the one sitting the exam, let him deal with it any way he needs to. By all means call or text to wish him good luck or let him know your thinking of him but don’t make him responsible for keeping you constantly updated so you can feel better. Realistically not going to know how he’s done until mid Aug anyway

Are you close to him? Is he with you EOW?

When he does come over, dont nag him about not getting back to you. Just say you hope all going well and you’re there for him if he wants to off load