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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

471 replies

SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog · 15/05/2026 14:19

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

OP posts:
Bewareofstepfords · 16/05/2026 00:12

Won't your other friend wonder why on earth you didn't mention such hazardous squalor since you've seen it before?
She'll probably be questioning your own sanity !

ThisHeartyQuoter · 15/05/2026 23:49

ItchyandScratchiness · 15/05/2026 23:18

I got like this when I was severely depressed and multiple parts of my life collapsed around me. Relationship ended, business collapsed, parents died, finances down the drain. I gave up. I needed help but didn't reach out and should have done.

I'd offer to help... or just start helping..?

This. But apparently it's funny according to some people on here "sheep dip". And some people are just pigs and mental health has nothing to do with it

ThisHeartyQuoter · 15/05/2026 23:47

I hope the person who posted sheep dip thinks they are funny

ThisHeartyQuoter · 15/05/2026 23:46

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/05/2026 23:43

They don’t really have powers. A lot of time they’ll convince the owner to surrender the pet. The standard is very low. A neighbours dog cries out the back 24/7 a large breed, never walked. But has a kennel and water bowl, neighbours reported it. It’s cruel, the bar for removal is extremely low, usually multiple pets, multiple visits and piles of dirt, fleas before they can remove the animal.

Show quote history

They do, they just don't use them enough

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/05/2026 23:43

ThisHeartyQuoter · 15/05/2026 21:13

It actually isn't. I spoke to some people from the Sspca the other week who were doing a door to door campaign and reported householders because of the state of their house. They have the powers to remove pets out of situations like this.

I am completely for pets staying with their owners but they can't live in filth. Its unfair

Show quote history

They don’t really have powers. A lot of time they’ll convince the owner to surrender the pet. The standard is very low. A neighbours dog cries out the back 24/7 a large breed, never walked. But has a kennel and water bowl, neighbours reported it. It’s cruel, the bar for removal is extremely low, usually multiple pets, multiple visits and piles of dirt, fleas before they can remove the animal.

RogueFemale · 15/05/2026 23:43

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 15/05/2026 14:33

have you reported her to the RSPCA? Those animals are being neglected.

This.

@SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog You need to report to the RSPCA. You may not care about the squalor but there is a dog and cat who are suffering because of this woman's neglect.

DoYouLikeYourNaneFred · 15/05/2026 23:30

yalomua · 15/05/2026 22:26

I would 100% go back this weekend with your friend. I would turn up with a bendy bucket full of cleaning things, gloves, a face mask and a lot of bin bags.

On arrival I'd simply declare, "Right, here to help!" and I'd get stuck in.

How rude. No, that's not the way forward.

Rattatiolle · 15/05/2026 23:26

OP, I'm only on page 2 of this thread, but there have been various suggestions that you could help this friend, but where would you start, in a house which is a bio hazard? The environmental health should look at this house urgently, it needs cleaning by bio hazard specialists wearing hazmat suits, and masks if the smell from the "walk in" cat litter is so appalling. Also, I'm amazed that your friend could appear clean when the bath sounds unusable. Your description of the toilet made me cringe.

Horses7 · 15/05/2026 23:18

Sparrowsandbudgies · 15/05/2026 14:20

I would keep quiet. You’ll be seen as a gossip otherwise. Let them deal with it between them.

Agree with this.

ItchyandScratchiness · 15/05/2026 23:18

I got like this when I was severely depressed and multiple parts of my life collapsed around me. Relationship ended, business collapsed, parents died, finances down the drain. I gave up. I needed help but didn't reach out and should have done.

I'd offer to help... or just start helping..?

ClairDeLaLune · 15/05/2026 23:06

You have to warn your friend. If you don’t, she might think you think such standards are ok!

Messy friend might need some sort of intervention though, she could be suffering with her mental health.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 15/05/2026 23:01

SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog · 15/05/2026 14:35

I’m going back because I like her and don’t want her to think I’m ditching her because of her house. I’ve actually been a few times now, it never gets any better (well, one thing has got worse but unnecessary to get into it now, you get the picture)

You sound a kind friend, OP, empathetic and tolerant

By all means, go back if you like her, but please obviously take care of your health after. So many things sound rather unsavoury and unsafe, not to mention unhygienic obviously, and I do hope you won't be unwell after a visit.

She may or may not be depressed, it must be that she's possibly oblivious to it all as it's her "normal". But yes, you should tell your mutual friend, as she'll be forewarned and forearmed. I'd be glad if a friend warned me in advance!

Gwenhwyfar · 15/05/2026 22:45

yalomua · 15/05/2026 22:26

I would 100% go back this weekend with your friend. I would turn up with a bendy bucket full of cleaning things, gloves, a face mask and a lot of bin bags.

On arrival I'd simply declare, "Right, here to help!" and I'd get stuck in.

No, you can't do that. It's not your place, in both senses of the expression.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/05/2026 22:44

Warn mutual friend first.
Don't tell her not to mention anything to the person who lives there. She can say something if she wants.
You can suggest tidying up before mutual friend arrives, but this doesn't really work with dirty people. You may find that the terrible state you found the place in is actually the tidied up state and it's sometimes even worse! They're used to the mess so their perception of it is different.

Crimpit · 15/05/2026 22:28

yalomua · 15/05/2026 22:26

I would 100% go back this weekend with your friend. I would turn up with a bendy bucket full of cleaning things, gloves, a face mask and a lot of bin bags.

On arrival I'd simply declare, "Right, here to help!" and I'd get stuck in.

I don't think that would help.
It would be a really intrusive thing for OP to do, and overwhelming for her friend.
It is hard to explain, but if someone did that to me, I would not allow it as they would not be cleaning "my" way, and it would all feel out of control.

yalomua · 15/05/2026 22:26

I would 100% go back this weekend with your friend. I would turn up with a bendy bucket full of cleaning things, gloves, a face mask and a lot of bin bags.

On arrival I'd simply declare, "Right, here to help!" and I'd get stuck in.

RedLightYellowLight · 15/05/2026 22:16

Whatever you do please give the other friend the heads up! To use the toilet/wear clothes she can protect herself in/have a change of clothes for the car and shoes etc

WhatWouldDianeLockhartDo · 15/05/2026 21:52

My mum lives a bit like this. There isn’t typically actual poo unless there’s been an accident but she doesn’t exactly scrub the place after. The smell knocks you back in certain areas and there’s grime, clutter and rubbish everywhere. She’s always been a bit mucky but it’s actually horrid now. She always has people round and I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she always says “well no one says anything to me so it can’t be that bad” and accuses me of overreacting. She doesn’t understand that people might be too embarrassed or not really know what to say. So… I think you need to have a chat with your friend. Nothing too harsh but a “what’s going on here?” Sort of thing.

the mutual friend, I would warn. Just a little “ there’s issues” or “she’s not houseproud”.

Clarabell77 · 15/05/2026 21:37

I wouldn’t say anything as it sounds gossipy. Does your friend have mental health issues?

shellster80 · 15/05/2026 21:34

I’m going to throw in option d….
Sit her down and have a hard but very necessary conversation about the state of her house before the other friend comes over. Explain that you haven’t said anything before now but it has been bothering you and you are concerned for not only her own health and welfare but that of the animals and is there any support you can help with?
I can’t understand how she’s aware enough to keep herself clean and tidy but not her house and either not realise or not care what it’s like. There needs to be an intervention

Robogob · 15/05/2026 21:33

I don’t know how you can like someone who keeps animals in a shit hole.

Foodgloriousfoodie · 15/05/2026 21:30

I though fripps farm was the rescue?

I can’t imagine they would be legally able to remove

JustSawJohnny · 15/05/2026 21:29

SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog · 15/05/2026 17:38

To answer a few questions …

the time I posted about was the first time I saw it - first impressions which is what mutual friend will see.

I’ve been back a few times since then but only drop ins where I’ve taken her things when she was ill and one time in summer where we sat in the garden.

its not a council house, she owns it.

She lives alone with two dogs and multiple cats.

she doesn’t smell, I have no idea how she keeps clean considering the bath is unusable but she honestly doesn’t smell. The house and car do.

The fact that she happily took me into her bedroom with cat shit on the floor and half eaten food on the bed makes me think she either doesn’t realise how unusual this is or she simply doesn’t care? I used to work in the community and I’ve seen some sights but never seen someone live like this whilst appearing totally normal away from the house.

Makes you wonder if she was brought up this way and honestly does thin it's normal.

Does she come to your house, OP?

Foodgloriousfoodie · 15/05/2026 21:28

ThisHeartyQuoter · 15/05/2026 21:26

They've done zero at fripps despite people reporting on hundreds of occasions and animals have died there. Yes they probably do remove household pets but they won't have the staff or resources to remove them all - there are people who have reported to the RSPCA and got nowhere

Show quote history

They have to abide by animal welfare act - it’s probably that that need attention - they are restricted with horses

Nogimachi · 15/05/2026 21:27

Why not suggest that you meet in a coffee shop or pub?
I would fore-warn the third friend as I wouldn’t want her thinking I found this ok.
I’d not be keen to go to a house with a Rottweiler inside where the owner is happy to leave you alone with it, they are presumably quite territorial and might turn if left with two people they don’t know?
Also I wouldn’t want to risk catching something.