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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

471 replies

SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog · 15/05/2026 14:19

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

OP posts:
ForeverTheOptomist · 16/05/2026 09:34

I think that what really gets to me about this situation is that the lady with the dirty house seemed to regard it as acceptable. That she could invite people over is beyond belief.

I definitely wouldn't go again. I'm sure that I would vomit if I was in such a pit. I'm not sure whether or not you should say anything to the mutual friend - it depends on your relatiionship.

If you want to continue the friendship, could you all meet in a coffee shop?

Squirrel60 · 16/05/2026 09:25

I'd contact the RSPCA or some other animal welfare organisation immediately, and get the poor dog and cat out of there FAST.

Whatever reason or excuse for her disgusting mess, she has NO RIGHT forcing those animals into filth and squalor, being forced to ''live'' on a rubbish tip.

And, if the place is so bad, why are you thinking of going back?

itswindyoutside · 16/05/2026 09:21

My god, this isn't just a bit of untidiness and in need of a simple clean - animal faeces throughout the house?
I feel sick just reading it, it's not in any way normal.

I wouldn't be going there again and would be warning the mutual friend. I don't see how you can do otherwise - it's a massive health hazard.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/05/2026 09:09

Pipsquiggle · 16/05/2026 07:01

Out of interest does anyone know if a social worker could lose her job over being reported for something like this.
She obviously has executive function issues in her own life but seems to be able to function in her job.
Would her employer class this as a mental health issue and hopefully support her?

No. Of course not.
It has nothing to do with her employer unless it impacts on her job, which it doesn’t.
Some people don’t care or prioritise a clean home, that is their choice.
I have a friend who always looks fabulous, very glam, has a professional role, 1 teenager. Has never used her oven or cleaned her home. Her taps in the bathroom are caked in toothpaste spit, she doesn’t notice or care, she spends her time on herself she’s single. Her outside appearance is more important. In some ways she’s right. I can’t do it because I grew up in a messy house, it caused me a great deal of shame as a child and teenager. You couldn’t find a pair of matching socks. My DC won’t suffer the same. I am my own reasons for being awkward with it.
Edit. My childhood home didn’t have any animals just lots and lots of clutter.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/05/2026 08:49

Jane143 · 16/05/2026 08:35

I’d just accept how she is, a bit of dirt never hurt anyone and you say she’s a nice person. Maybe offer to help? It’s probably just got too much for her

Show quote history

It’s no it a bit of dirt tho it’s wee/poo as well as welfare of animals

treetophome · 16/05/2026 08:46

Jane143 · 16/05/2026 08:35

I’d just accept how she is, a bit of dirt never hurt anyone and you say she’s a nice person. Maybe offer to help? It’s probably just got too much for her

Show quote history

Animal faeces which OP says is on the floor has hurt plenty of people (e coli) and poses an environmental health risk. Are you saying you'd be happy getting dog poo on you?

Jane143 · 16/05/2026 08:35

SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog · 15/05/2026 14:31

No kids thankfully.

I actually really like this friend and I’m trying not to let the house change my opinion of her and it hasn’t really … I’m just more concerned than anything. Mentally she seems fine, holds down a good job etc but I know mental health issues can be difficult to spot. Without giving too much away, reporting her to adult SS would likely have far more implications than normal in this case.

I’d just accept how she is, a bit of dirt never hurt anyone and you say she’s a nice person. Maybe offer to help? It’s probably just got too much for her

pouletvous · 16/05/2026 08:06

I wouldn’t go back! Why are you going again?

Sparklybanana · 16/05/2026 07:53

I think you need to offer help. She might not be able to see how bad it is but you're not being a good friend by glossing over it. A person I know didn't show up to to work and it turned out she'd had a stroke and the hoarding made it almost impossible to get to her. It turned out she was buying cheap charity clothes instead of washing them and rats had started to live in her house. It literally is a health hazard- help her.

Twooclockrock · 16/05/2026 07:47

Anyone with a house that bad clearly has some real issues, I would go with my other friend so she can see it. Then stage an intervention if your other friend agrees.
If you like the messy friend then help her somehow.

Overworkedandknackered · 16/05/2026 07:47

If it’s so bad I’m surprised your friend is inviting you both in, any normal person would be too embarrassed. I’d definitely be telling her house has crossed the line from a bit messy to health hazard and suggesting she does something about it, I wouldn’t be offering to help though. And I’d certainly warn other friend, if for nothing else than she can make sure she doesn’t need to use the loo while she’s there.

Offonawalk · 16/05/2026 07:34

Pipsquiggle · 16/05/2026 07:01

Out of interest does anyone know if a social worker could lose her job over being reported for something like this.
She obviously has executive function issues in her own life but seems to be able to function in her job.
Would her employer class this as a mental health issue and hopefully support her?

Good heavens no they wouldn’t lose their job 🙄

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/05/2026 07:18

You are lowering your standards OP if you go back. If you truly do like her as a friend then do the decent thing and be honest with her. Why would you sacrifice your standards and your health by facilitating and enabling this. You don’t have to go there so why are you? Meet elsewhere!

Pipsquiggle · 16/05/2026 07:01

Out of interest does anyone know if a social worker could lose her job over being reported for something like this.
She obviously has executive function issues in her own life but seems to be able to function in her job.
Would her employer class this as a mental health issue and hopefully support her?

Moonandstarsandsun · 16/05/2026 07:01

Yes warn her. But I wouldn’t want to be going again myself

Offonawalk · 16/05/2026 06:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thekindoflovewemake · 16/05/2026 06:43

Why would a friend invite someone who lives an hour away round for coffee? Surely that’s the only excuse you need never to set foot in there again? It’s a pretty long drive to just pop in so you can suggest meeting halfway for lunch instead.

FlamingoFloss · 16/05/2026 06:36

Why are you going back there? Can’t you suggest you meet somewhere local for a catch up rather than going to her house?

TerfOnATrain · 16/05/2026 06:07

I would give friend number 2 a heads up. “just to warn you Jane, Mary’s house may not be what you expect”.

that’s not bitching, it’s not saying anything really, but she can go in with her eyes open.

SevenYellowHammers · 16/05/2026 02:20

I bet there’s a lovely independent coffee place not far from you?

Dalston · 16/05/2026 01:49

yalomua · 15/05/2026 22:26

I would 100% go back this weekend with your friend. I would turn up with a bendy bucket full of cleaning things, gloves, a face mask and a lot of bin bags.

On arrival I'd simply declare, "Right, here to help!" and I'd get stuck in.

Definitely don’t do that! I don’t think OP actually knows this person well enough (if the post is real) Also I have helped to clean the house of someone that was not nearly as bad as this woman’s house, and in a few weeks it was back in such a state I may as well have not bothered. I have learnt you can’t force your own standards on other people.

silverrobot · 16/05/2026 01:41

I would let nature take it's course. Blunt friend will speak up as she sees fit. If you warn blunt friend, she may say "OP did warn me, but I never expected this!" which will hurt dirty friend's feelings in an extra way.

Dirty friend has invited you both over, so just go.

Dalston · 16/05/2026 01:34

SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog · 15/05/2026 14:19

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

Sorry what? You’ve been invited over this weekend and you’re going? I don’t know if I believe this post. Why would you ever even contemplate going back in that house if it’s as bad as you say it is? I’m rather intrigued as to where you met this woman and what you have in common? I have a friend who has always kept dogs and cats and her house keeping is a bit lax but she always cleans and tidies before I visit because she knows I have asthma.

MissyPants · 16/05/2026 00:59

If the house is such a 'non issue' ie, returning, then why are you pretending it's fine but then bitching about her on here behind her back? Two faced much? You're a crappy friend, and you're not doing her any favours by turning a blind eye to it all, It's not normal and it's disgusting. Have some balls and tell your friend even tho you really like her, the house is a shit hole and she needs to sort it out. Offer to help if you think it will help?

Friendlygingercat · 16/05/2026 00:54

I had a friend who lived like this in a rented house. The house was not dirty but very dusty and cluttered. There were piles of "stuff" and empty boxes that she had not thrown out in corners. However the kitchen and bathroom were fairly clean if a bit cluttered on the surfaces. She didn't even tidy up for inspections. She said people have to take it as they find it and if they dont like it they wont come again.

I used to have an aunt who also lived like this with piles of unironed washing on every surface. If you needed to do something ont he table or sit down you had to clear a space.

No animals or young children were involved in any of these examples. The occupiers simply did not "see" the clutter and did not care what others thought.