To not contribute to DH child maintenance

Redbean667 · 2026-05-15T12:44:15+00:00

So DH is self employed and gets paid weekly he has 1 DS and pays maintenance to his mum weekly and has child EOW as works away. I have 2 DS and work 12.5 hour shifts and my mum helps me with school pick up and drop offs (both teenagers) when I am working- DSS school is around 1 hour from us as his mums is 40 mins away and it’s 20 mins further from her house. we had DSS last weekend when his mum rings Sunday late afternoon to say she forgot to say she is on holiday and was already at the airport so DSS will be with us for the week. Due to my shifts and own children I could not work school runs that late notice so DH had to take the week off- unfortunately was a vital week for his work before they finish one job and move to the next so he was let go as had let them down last minute. He has told ex he lost job and maintenance will not commence until he finds another and he will let her know when this is- she has sent text saying I have to pay it and it’s my responsibility. I have said absolutely not as I am now trying to find money for our home and bills because she decided to not give adequate notice for her holiday and I actually don’t have enough to cover everything at my home and pay her. Texts from ex are getting increasingly angry as she is in holiday and ‘needed that money while away’ saying what I disgrace I am letting her son go without- I pointed out he hasn’t gone without as is our home. so AIBU for not paying her

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 22/05/2026 18:54

@Alateone Thank you. Unfortunately there is still a stigma around mums who don't have majority custody, but hopefully this is becoming less.
I see both of my older children regularly but my eldest less so (totally understandably) as he is now at uni.
They adore their sister (she is 5) and I really appreciate what a happy and respectful marriage now looks like as I'm sure all of my children do too 💛

Donsyb · 22/05/2026 14:50

PinkEasterbunny · 22/05/2026 11:22

I’m talking about the OP - he isn’t in shared accommodation.

Unless I have misunderstood, there's no one in shared accommodation in this scenario?

The thread has gone off on a bit of a tangent talking about another posters brother, which has somewhat confused things 😂

PinkEasterbunny · 22/05/2026 11:22

I’m talking about the OP - he isn’t in shared accommodation.

Unless I have misunderstood, there's no one in shared accommodation in this scenario?

Walnutslooklikebrains · 22/05/2026 11:11

HobGobblynne · 21/05/2026 19:49

Of course she’ll have to approach them (via an online form) if she wants to claim, but she won’t need to “explain herself”.

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What a shame. I suppose OP ex will have to do it for her.

Alateone · 22/05/2026 05:59

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 21:00

@Alateone I think you just have to find an acceptance it is how it is in the present, but never give up hope. I will always be their mum, and that simply cannot be taken away from me. They know my love is unconditional.
I won't ever be well-off financially, but no money can't buy freedom, respect and happiness (which I have now found) ♥️

Edited

This must have been very very difficult for you @Youshouldbestrongerthanme . So positive you have carved out a happy life since then. Do you get to see you children from previous marriage regularly or have they cut ties?

Alateone · 22/05/2026 05:57

Donsyb · 21/05/2026 21:20

I’m talking about the OP - he isn’t in shared accommodation.

Are you confusing 2 different situations here?

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You are confused. You jumped in on an exchange between myself and another poster not about the Op but rather another poster’s comments.

Donsyb · 21/05/2026 21:20

Alateone · 21/05/2026 19:46

So he sucks up EOW

and he moves out of shared accommodation!

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I’m talking about the OP - he isn’t in shared accommodation.

Are you confusing 2 different situations here?

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 21:00

@Alateone I think you just have to find an acceptance it is how it is in the present, but never give up hope. I will always be their mum, and that simply cannot be taken away from me. They know my love is unconditional.
I won't ever be well-off financially, but no money can't buy freedom, respect and happiness (which I have now found) ♥️

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:57

Phone down now @Youshouldbestrongerthanme for me so not suddenly wandering off mid way through chatting!

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:52

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:50

@Alateone As is often the case in PA...courts ruled 50/50 at ages 3 and 6 but then, once time had allowed for increased 'influence' shall we say, things interestingly shifted. Anyone with experience of the family courts will tell you how broken they are and also, how money driven.
Also very hard when you are up against a very large financial imbalance bought about by underhand tactics in a divorce. Housing size differences and "buying" as bartering; that sort of thing.

How are things now?

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:50

@Alateone As is often the case in PA...courts ruled 50/50 at ages 3 and 6 but then, once time had allowed for increased 'influence' shall we say, things interestingly shifted. Anyone with experience of the family courts will tell you how broken they are and also, how money driven.
Also very hard when you are up against a very large financial imbalance bought about by underhand tactics in a divorce. Housing size differences and "buying" as bartering; that sort of thing.

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:37

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:29

@Alateone Providing you are both equally happy with the arrangement and it is in the best interests for your children then fair play to you both.
In my case I suffered years of coercive control and financial abuse which was then turned into insidious parental alienation. You seem really switched on with how you see your ex (and credit to you) so I imagine you will understand me when I say that under some circumstances, "voice of the child" isn't always voice of "the child."

Edited

How old were your children when the court imposed EOW on you?

we arranged everything between ourselves. He was and is a very high earner and worked ridiculous hours so EOW was agreed in about 3 seconds! However now they’re early / mid teens… it’s so lovely as they are free flowing during the holidays and sometimes even the weekends

mathanxiety · 21/05/2026 20:34

AllTheChaos · 15/05/2026 14:07

Could you not have arranged for a childminder to do the school runs? Surely better financially than DH losing his job! Another time that is what I would do, as it may well happen again

First of all, this is not the OP's child.

Secondly, the child goes to school quite a distance from the OP's house. It would have required a taxi and a great deal of expense to get him to and from school daily.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:29

@Alateone Providing you are both equally happy with the arrangement and it is in the best interests for your children then fair play to you both.
In my case I suffered years of coercive control and financial abuse which was then turned into insidious parental alienation. You seem really switched on with how you see your ex (and credit to you) so I imagine you will understand me when I say that under some circumstances, "voice of the child" isn't always voice of "the child."

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:25

Alateone · 21/05/2026 16:51

my ex has EOW
but we live a 10 minute walk away and very amicable (he is one of my best friends) so there’s often a free flow.

However we agreed that between ourselves as he earns MUCH more than me and works loads more hours (and I benefit from that too financially!). So no court involvement. But if a court specifically overrules a parent wanting more EOW…. Then it will be for a valid reason!

For example this post.

To be clear… my ex has EOW and he’s a brilliant dad and there’s often a free flow between houses anyway because we live so close

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:23

I’m saying that if you wanted more than EOW but the family courts said “No”@Youshouldbestrongerthanme - did they not give a reason why?

Alateone · 21/05/2026 20:22

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:10

@Alateone But is he working more hours - not because he doesn't want to have his kids - but because he is partly funding your lifestyle (as you freely admit)? What would happen financially if he dropped his hours/worked less? How many hours a week do you work in comparison?

I think my ex is a brilliant father! I think you might need to reread my posts

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:10

@Alateone But is he working more hours - not because he doesn't want to have his kids - but because he is partly funding your lifestyle (as you freely admit)? What would happen financially if he dropped his hours/worked less? How many hours a week do you work in comparison?

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 21/05/2026 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha you again! 🍷

HobGobblynne · 21/05/2026 19:49

Walnutslooklikebrains · 21/05/2026 19:44

Well she will have to approach them, if she is no longer receiving maintenance.

However, OP husband should have been on to CMS himself within a week according to guidelines, the amount owed could be dropped to as little as £7 a week during his unemployment.

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Of course she’ll have to approach them (via an online form) if she wants to claim, but she won’t need to “explain herself”.

Alateone · 21/05/2026 19:46

Donsyb · 21/05/2026 19:45

Because he works away and they live an hour away!

Edited

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So he sucks up EOW

and he moves out of shared accommodation!

Donsyb · 21/05/2026 19:45

Alateone · 21/05/2026 17:01

Why didn’t he offer to do week day “grunt work” then?

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Because he works away and they live an hour away!

Walnutslooklikebrains · 21/05/2026 19:44

HobGobblynne · 21/05/2026 19:35

She won’t need to explain herself to CMS beyond the fact that they have children together and that she has the majority day to day care.

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Well she will have to approach them, if she is no longer receiving maintenance.

However, OP husband should have been on to CMS himself within a week according to guidelines, the amount owed could be dropped to as little as £7 a week during his unemployment.

HobGobblynne · 21/05/2026 19:35

Walnutslooklikebrains · 21/05/2026 18:36

A lot of people are focusing on the childcare arrangements but it's clearly what works for all, otherwise they would be doing 50/50. OP husband can't have his DS more than EOW and I suspect the ex enjoys the maintenance she receives, but that's all beside the point.

OP, of course you don't pay his ex. She will have to explain herself to CMS. That poor kid has a wacko for a mother.

She won’t need to explain herself to CMS beyond the fact that they have children together and that she has the majority day to day care.

HobGobblynne · 21/05/2026 19:34

Needspaceforlego · 21/05/2026 18:51

What are they meant to live on fresh air?

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The same thing my kids live on…my wages. Part of the grunt work is working out how I’m going to get them from school and work and take care of them in the holidays…and work.

Both parents are equally capable of organising childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️