26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

Thats not true she said he's ignored her, it's not harassment if he didn't tell her to stop contacting him.

Ha typical loser behaviour and something my ex would do.

It's not harassment if he's never told you to stop contact. It's not unreasonable to ask for clarification on a relationship ans parenthood. He's pathetic, as are the solicitors for writing at all.

I'd forget him, you really are so so much better off without him.

True but unhelpful- it is possible, as I said, she is surrounded by narcissists.
If she is ,going low or no contact with them is the only real remedy- the OP is crying out for support so I didn't think suggesting this would be helpful- what is your suggestion?
Too many people on MN just want to critcise other posters rather than trying to help the OP.
I agree being brought up in an abusive environment can screw you up- in other news water is wet.

OP "My mum has had said plenty of unkind things over the years so as hurtful as it was to hear, it wasn’t completely out of character."

I am so sorry.

Can I ask what other, more supportive people are in your life? Aunts, friends, colleagues etc?

You seem to be unaware that being brought up by abusive parents makes it much more likely that you’ll get into abusive relationships later on. Our experiences change is, affect the way we relate to others and impact on what we believe is normal.

Laurmolonlabe
How can you possibly draw that conclusion?

OP focus on you and your baby. Your sad pathetic ex is no longer your concern.

I just don't think someone without serious mental healyth issues would change the locks and threaten a restraining order- it's not a normal response, just as your mother's response is not normal- so either A/ you are surrounded by narcissists/pyschopaths or
B/ There are things you have not mentioned about your behaviour.
B is just much more likely.

I'm glad that you're determined to look forward, not back.

I've always felt that when it comes to the other person ending a relationship the 'why' is not important. Of course we want to know, but knowing won't change a thing. What's important is that we focus on what comes next. For you, that's getting ready to become a mum. There will be plenty in that to keep you occupied, that's for sure.

As far as your mum, I think it's time for you to try to separate yourself from her. I worded that badly, I don't mean NC. I mean, it appears that you know 'who she is' so I think you need to make a conscious effort not to communicate anything of importance or anything about your private life and decisions to her. And not to rely on her for support. It's a painful thing to contemplate about one's own mother, but go 'grey rock'. She is not a reliable source of support.

Would your dad be less judgmental and more generous in offering you support? Do you have siblings or friends you can lean on for some support? You will have to be mostly self-reliant, but there's nothing wrong with asking for shoulder to lean on from time to time.

Exactly. Let sleeping dogs lie.

That is the only thing that is worrying me about applying for child maintenance…that it will motivate him to do a DNA test and apply for parental responsibility and to see the child. Which obviously would be a good thing for the child if he’s a caring and responsible and dedicated parent. But if he’s not?

It will be the best thing thats ever happened to you and actually nothing wrong with doing it own your own, planned or not, you take the maintenance and get on with your life

Your relationship is definitely finished.

He is a horrible man. There are many unfortunate women whose partners desert them and then demand to have the baby at least 50% of the time. This is to avoid paying their ex-partner CMS, or to punish the mum by taking her child. The kids get shit parenting for half their life. Imagine handing your child over to a horrible stranger, who's going to feed them shit food, while they scroll their phone. No nurturing.

You are fortunate in this regard: He doesn't appear to want anything to do with your baby. Do not take the DNA test. Do not pursue him for child maintenance. Let him forget the existence of your child. You get to keep your baby to yourself. (Some mumsnetters seem to think that no father's name on birth certificate means the father cannot acess the baby, but this is not true, so do what you prefer in this regard). Cease all contact with him and his family members.

Your mum is not coming out as a nice woman from what you have written, but you may need her help in the future with childcare, so maybe don't fall out with her over her meanness.

I am really sorry you are going through this, but you do understand you can't force a man to be a parent, don't you?
Clearly your ex felt control was taken away from him , and has reacted badly to this.
I think you may be being much more insistent about needing support than you have indicated- your mother saying you are harrassing her makes me wonder if your spin on this situation is not very close to reality.
Mother's all have the capacity to be cruel, but to be so under the circumstances you describe is highly unusual.

Oh dear! Sounds like you’re on your way to the clink then. 🤣🤣.

As you are rightly sceptical of an internet random, this is the Crown Prosecution service info saying exactly what I’ve said.
https://www.cps.gov.uk/prosecution-guidance/stalking-or-harassment

Obviously (as was clear in my posts I think) the essential factor is that the texts are unwanted so you don’t need to pack your toothbrush just yet however

Hi OP, my father left my mother in the 1970’s, she was pregnant and only 18 yrs old . He was 26 , owned his own home and business . He wasnt ready to be a father 🤬in Ireland at the time being single and pregnant was a shame especially in a small village, the priest wanted to put her in a mother and baby home when my father wouldn’t marry her …and for me to be adopted . Someone once spat at her in the street . Nobody treated my father any different the so called shame was hers alone to carry . Nanna told the priest to fuck of , They raised me well, very little money but they loved me , I was well dressed , well fed and educated . I went on to university , travelled . I have children of my own .

as others have said many have travelled this road before you , you will find a strength you didn’t know existed . It’s going to be easier raising this baby by yourself then with the useless excuse for a man who fathered them . You will thrive , it may not be today or tomorrow but eventually you will see this as a blessing . You will have your beautiful baby soon and all they need is you . Babies don’t need a lot of the shite you think they will . I found second hand shops great for clothes and baby things. Mine were so well dressed from second hand shops that the community nurse used to call them baby Gabor after Zsa Zsa 😂 my wealthy father didn’t go on to have any more children . I had a great Mum you already are a great Mum . Sometimes when we are feeling weak it’s easier fight for someone else then ourselves , you are fighting for your little one and I have a feeling you are going to win . ❤️

Solicitors letters
Anyone who believes that ‘there ‘must be something in it’ to bother going to a solicitor, are ignorant. Solicitor are NOT the law. They will send letters based on what there clients tell them. They require NO proof, they take their clients word that what they are telling them is true. Men like this weaponise the law to frighten and intimidate people like @Brokennn - If he was actually living in fear of harassment he would have gone to the police - but they would inconveniently require evidence, which I doubt he could produce to meet the threshold. So he has used his money to send a ‘solicitors letter’ . Do not waste your money responding to something that has no power of enforcement behind it. Only a court order issued by a judge does that and again - he would have to actually produce strong evidence AND very very deep pockets for a civil case. Personally OP. I would cut it up in to convenient strips and wipe your arse on it.

DNA / Birth Certificate /CMS

The way to approach these issues is to clearly understand the outcome of any actions you decide to take or not take.
A DNA test costs between £250-500. there are cheaper ones but you need the type that is of a standard recognised by UK courts. A pre birth test costs £700.

You do not need to incur any of these costs. You already KNOW who your babies father is. ! This is on him. Making a CMS application as soon as possible after your baby is born will mean he has 2 choices. To deny paternity or pay up. If he denies he will be asked to take a paternity test. If he refuses he will be assumed to be the father. If he accepts he will incur the cost of the test along with the regular assessed amount. However this is ALL on him once the claim is made.

The birth certificate is very straightforward. You CANNOT ‘add him’ to the certificate even if you wanted to. He needs to be present at the registration for his name to be placed in the ‘fathers details box’ OR go to court to establish his parental rights at a later date and/or have his name added to the certificate . Again this is ALL on him. You can call your child what you wish. However it makes no difference at all to a CMS claim. Naming your child with his surname will be more inconvenient for you . A lot easier for you both to have the same name.

Overseas travel.
I don’t know how many times I’ve said this on MN but I still hear the ridiculous nonsense, ‘ I’ve been travelling alone with my kids for 20 years and never been stopped. ‘ Don’t worry about it.
This is not how the law works !! .
If I told you - ‘I go to the pub every night and drink 3 bottles of wine and drive home. ‘ ‘I live rurally and never get stopped’ So don’t need to worry eh ? It’s ridiculous logic.
The law is clear. If you are taking your children abroad you need written authority from EVERYONE who holds PR for each child OR have a Child Arrangement Order which grants each parent the right to travel without permission from the other parent. Or - a specific steps order if you are not able to obtain permission.

ignore this at your peril. It’s not an issue until it is. My best friend ignored it and booked a holiday of a lifetime to celebrate her divorce. Booked herself and 3 kids on a safari. Very bitter and angry ex probably tipped them off or immigration spotted her on her own with 3 kids and stopped them. They tried everything to help her get on the plane they even said they would accept consent over the phone but he wouldn’t give it and his bitterness was greater than his care about devastating his children. He refused and they were prevented from going.
Leaving the country without permission of parents with PR is child abduction. Do not chance it.

All of which boils down to this. With no father’s details entered in the certificate, the ONLY person with rights over your child is you. Any change to that situation would require him to make some effort. Just paying CMS gives him no ‘rights’ as children are not pay per view.

OP sorry your mum was so nasty to you - not answering your call is one thing if she was busy, but making the snide comment she did was out of order.

I'd keep my distance from her till the baby comes - that's when you'll need practical help.

I do agree with the PPs encouraging you to get back to work - it will give you something else to focus on, your colleagues can be a support, and I imagine you'll want/need to keep your job.

You have a lot going for you - you have your own place, you have a job, and you'd been planning on having a baby.

You're going to manage this - we all do!

Maybe he'll want to see the baby when it arrives - my ex did, mainly I think as he had to pay child support he felt he should get something in return.

If he doesn't see the baby, well there were many times I'd wished I'd claimed it wasn't his baby, he would have been happy to be off the hook, and my life would have been less stressful.

My ex insisted on a DNA test for our baby, which I took as he way of telling me that he'd been cheating, as absolutely no grounds for him to think I had!

And I don't think you need to worry about the poor man who's thrown his pregnant girlfriend out feeling harassed, and being forced to go to a solicitors for help - he's using a solicitors letter to bully her, most solicitors will write any old shite for a few quid.

If he had ever replied to her, then the repeated attempts to get an answer from him would have stopped.

He's a sad man child who can't face his responsibilities, OP is better off finding out now.

It's a tale as old as time, man gets woman pregnant then fucks off. No need to paint the OP as a harridan who he's living in fear of.

And one day, you will realise this utter that did you a huge favour. He is showing you now who he really is.

Better to have him out if your life rather than sticking with a useless fucker who wriggles out of taking on any responsibility and expecting you to work, raise the baby and run the home while carry the weight of him too.

You might not believe it now but it will be so much easier for you raising that baby alone without having the weight of him dragging you down.

YES You've got this! You will do well, you need to plan, and get support and cut out the negativity.

XXXXXXX

If money will be tight, there are baby banks around that can support you with baby equipment.

I went mad buying tonnes of unnecessary stuff for my baby and most if it was new.

You can get some excellent quality baby products almost as good as new second hand. The only thing that I would insist on having new is a new cot/crib mattress and a car seat. Both of these for safety reasons.

If your employer has an employee assistance program, get some counselling with them to talk out your feelings. Also tell your midwife and ask for some support.

See if your industry has any charities that help.prople out in times of hardship.

Also, there is an organisation called home start that has volunteers who can help with parents who need a little support when they have a child under 5. Perhaps look into that to see if there is someone able to support you in those early days. Most people would jump.at the chance to cuddle a newborn while the Mum has a nap!

But, believe me, when that baby is here, you will find strength that you never thought you had.

Try to get out every day, even if it's just a stroll to the shops and stop somewhere for a cuppa. You will be the centre of attention when you have a newborn. I couldn't believe how many.people wanted to talk to me when I had my first baby. I remember my first outing and I had this weird feeling that people were looking at me and I didn't understand why. Then it slowly dawned kn me that people just wanted tk get a look at my baby. I used to have old ladies ask fir a cuddle when I was sitting in coffee shops and I happily obliged. It also gave me some social interaction when I felt lonely.

Join some baby groups.

I wouldn't provide a DNA sample right now. Let him do the chasing. Don't waste your money on any solicitor's letters. Claim CMS as soon as you are allowed to (perhaps find out how you do that now).

Do not put him on the BC unless you want to have to seek his permission to go abroad when your child is older and make sure you give the baby your surname, not his.

I used to feel lonely alot of the time pre-kids. I have never felt lonely once they could interact with me a bit.

You've got this!

Anyone deserves better than the way this man has treated you. Block him on all communication channels, don’t put him on the birth certificate and freeze him out of your life.

It doesn’t matter why he’s gone cold, what matters is you’re better than him and all his drama.

I agree with the poster who said "I would keep it as evidence. Monsters like him can turn up later."

Keep a record of his appalling behaviour just in case you need it.

I cannot believe people saying negative things to the OP, who has come here for support.

Hi OP Brokennn

"I definitely will not be contacting him again, in a way it is a form of closure but I am in total shock he would do something like this."

he is a complete fool. The gift of a child is amazing and he has turned his back on you and on his unborn child. Sad for him but in the very long run this might be better for you because he sounds like a total Dick.

I am so sorry you are feeling low today. "I am struggling a lot today, keep going to through waves of anger towards him and feeling strong, then feeling like it all must be my fault and I’ve ruined my baby’s life."

This is NOT your fault and you have not ruined your baby's life. Your body is doing an amazing job of growing your baby.

Please get some hep/professional help to work through the things you need to do. Maybe a counsellor or a good friend, ideally someone non-judgmental who does have kids.

Think about your health, being as healthy as you can, your finances, working out how to manage the costs etc (NCT National Childbirth Trust hold sales nationwide selling loads of brilliant clothes and equipment which saves money), and if you cannot find find one there are other similar organisation in charities/village halls/churches etc up and down the country.

Honestly, being a mum is the best thing, it is hard, it is not easy, but it is wonderful. You will need great friends around you, so look out for those friends or people you know who may be able to step up and help.

I am sorry your mum has behaved badly. Not sure what the future holds there but there will be lovely people in your life who will help.