26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

I would be keeping a detailed factual record of everything that happens, keep anything that might be needed as evidence of his behaviour. In the future you may need to build a case against him and it's better to have everything ready.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you @Brokennn . Your ex is despicable. You must not contact him again. If you do, you will be issued with a police PIN and you will be charged, then you will have a criminal record. Please seek help and support for yourself. I would start by talking to your GP. Do you have a local Mind branch? There is help and your GP may refer you to the perinatal team. Have you let your friends know what's happening? I'm so sorry your mum was unsupportive. I hope you will return the favour when she suddenly wants to see your baby.

You will absolutely get through this, even if you can't see any way of that happening at the moment. As impossible as it seems, one day you will not give a toss about your ex and you will be delighted he's not involved with your baby. As soon as baby is born, make a claim through CMS and let him get the DNA test.

Are you managing to eat and take care of yourself day to day? You need some time to cope with the shock. I'm so glad you still have your home. Hope it will become your sanctuary for you and your baby 💐

This. I’m so sorry your mum is awful to you too. you need to be strong now. Ignore your mum. Put him on mute.

Screenshot all your attempts to message and call, and scan the solicitors letter. Save them in case he decides to be more of an asshole.
do not give the baby his name, do not put him on the birth certificate. He can learn about the baby when the cms claim that you put in when baby is born comes in.

I'm so sorry op, this is just another horrible selfish man.
As horrible and painful as this is for you it's better to get rid of him now.

Yep he said it would be considered harassment also.

These men are just a waste of space. So pathetic.

I’m so sorry, you haven’t done anything wrong, I agree please don’t put him on the birth certificate as he will have parental rights. I would agree to a dna, for the maintenance claim. Also if he doesn’t want to be part of the baby’s life, your son/daughter may want to contact him when they’re older. Lean on friends and family for support. It may be daunting but you can do this xx

You will get through this and you will thrive, OP.

As you have received a letter from a solicitor, I would advise you to see a solicitor yourself, so that he/she can send an appropriate letter for you.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Re DNA testing, I would advise approaching King's Forensics at a suitable time.

www.kcl.ac.uk/forensics/accredited-services/dna-analysis-kings/should-i-take-a-dna-test

Well get the DNA test done so he can’t weasel out of child support.

Beyond that there’s not much you can do. He sounds immature anyway tbh. I mean if you hadnt been together long and he didn’t really want kids that’s one thing but he’s handled it really really badly.

No, in UK, the father doesn’t have to be ‘present’ whilst the birth/name are Registered. (& neither does the mother, if father is allowing himself the time to visit registry office to get the job done!)
That said, you might benefit from discussing the whole situation with a solicitor who has relevant experience in this field.
Good luck, thinking of you & babe.

You are in a very difficult situation and I can completely understand how distressed you are

But you are also showing signs of poor mental health. This isn’t uncommon in pregnancy and particularly with a trigger like the one you’ve had. Your posts show classic signs of catastrophisation and disordered thinking and your perseverance with the ex and your mum to the point they have both said they feel harassed is also concerning.

Please speak to your midwife urgently. There are specialist services which can support you. This is likely to spiral further if you don’t and can be extremely dangerous for you (and therefore also your baby). Treatment and support will help a lot and once you have this back under control you can then face the tough decisions better.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and I’m sorry this happened to you.

To be honest, OP, it sounds like you are spiralling and have been for a while.

You need someone you can talk things through with, like a counsellor or helpline. A really good trauma dump, to get it all out, can be a real relief when I used to spiral. Get it all out in one big BLAHHHHHHH and then move forward

It wasn't healthy behaviour to contact your ex daily when he's changed the locks. You were just stoking your anxiety by repeatedly seeking answers.

He's obviously an arsehole. I'm sorry he reacted so horribly to the pregnancy.

You need to give you head a shake, accept that he's out of the picture, and look ahead. You and your baby will be just fine. Life as a single parent is better than life with an awful co-parent. He isn't who you thought he was.

While you are spiralling you won't be reacting in a healthy way, and what feels needed to you can feel pretty overwhelming to someone on the other end. I'm sorry your Mum expressed it rather cruelly.

Hang in there. This will ease soon.

How utterly selfish and shitty of this man.
It will feel lile the most lonely time unless you talk to other family and friends.
Join a antenatal class or something for yourself to prevent you feeling alone.
Go and pick something for yourself and baby.
Do the dna test
His wish to hide does not deal with the fact or responsiblities of a parent
parenting solo is done by many sucessfully..not always easily like anything.
Lets hope that lawyer is around to serve out the results
Who knows what is going on, could your mother be any less caring and the hormones in pregnancy can be hard.
Get in touch with the good people in your life
Sometimes others become a new family as you navigate parenting

I agree with this. If you grow up with parents like this you’re basically programmed to let people treat you badly. You can decide to stop taking it. Being pregnant is the perfect time to start standing up for yourself because it’s normal to start seeing the world differently and have your priorities change.

Also many of us know from experience that parenting alone is absolute heaven compared to parenting with a useless and cruel man.

Stay positive and see this as a new start. You and your lovely baby with no bad energy in the house. It’s hard work but it’s also wonderful.

I am mother to an almost adult daughter and I do drop everything when she needs me. Sometimes I can’t because of work or whatever, but I call back as soon as I can. If she was in your situation nothing would stop me supporting her, and if she wanted I’d be on her doorstep before she put the phone down. I’d also have to stop myself doing serious damage to her ex.

My mother would not have done the same, which is probably why I ended up in some not great relationships before meeting my dh.

Stay away from both your ex and your mother, they will make things worse. Talk to your midwife, talk to your friends or even colleagues, good people will support you and in time all will work out and you and your baby will be happy.

My situation was very similar OP. I later found out my ex was seeing someone else.
I went through my pregnancy alone and have raised my son alone, but we have a fantastic bond.
It was awful at the time, but my god it makes you strong. His dad doesn’t even bother to pay child support but he has to live with himself.
It may feel like it now, but it’s not the end of the world. You will find reserves you didn’t know you have.

I don’t really understand your response. Presumably you don’t make horrible comments to your children, so it’s not about you.

You need to be stronger than this for you and the baby. Get angry rather than sad and focus on the fact you are on your own now but how to become the best mum you can be to your little one. Let him see what he’s missing out on rather than you begging for him back. Cut him out of your life now for the rest of the pregnancy, he’s shown his cards.

I’d also not be going off sick from work for so long right now, you may need that sick leave for appointments or closer to the end of the pregnancy. Babies don’t need brand new stuff, look in charity shops or fb marketplace for a lot of the things you need. You don’t need him around dragging you down and you can do this!

He's being incredibly cruel, but to be honest you'll be better off without him. If a relationship was strained before the baby arrives it's unlikely to improve once a small all consuming baby comes into the picture.

I was in a similar situation to you and did my pregnancy alone, I have now been solo parenting for almost 8 years. Her father rings once a week and comes to visit for 8 hours every 4 months. But do you know, we don't need him, I find it much easier to solo parent with a non-involved co-parent than some of my friends that have found themselves in that situation later in their parenting journey.

You were strong enough to walk away when it impacted you and potentially your unborn child so I have no doubt you will be strong enough to raise this child without his assistance. Protect your peace and no contact, once the baby arrives then submit your CMS claim and hopefully he will be forced to at least contribute something. I hope you can find your village, my neighbour came with me to delivery and they relayed to help after my c-section.

If you'd like to talk privately please feel free to DM, it can be lonely but here to help :)

One of mine has a habit of blowing up my phone. Mum mum mum mum texts and eleventy billion calls. I have told her to knock it off - phone and leave a message or send a text, you know I ALWAYS answer if I can and I ALWAYS call back as soon as I can but please don’t blow my phone unless someone has died.

if I’m teaching I cannot answer.

OP, I would look into having some counselling if you can to help you accept what has happened. I say accept, not understand, as there will never be an explanation that makes it understandable/ok.

hopefully this will also help you get a grip on your emotions/reactions. You seem to have poor impulse control, repeatedly contacting him day after day when it’s clear he is not responding, and then the same with your mum. It’s understandable that your emotions are all over the place and you feel desperate, but you need to take back control for you and your baby.

You are far too nice. And you will be fine, you will manage. Frankly, I would have walked out even before he said he 'had worries'. I would have walked out if I saw anything less than elation at the news of pregnancy.

Stick up for yourself, contest vigorously his implied insults with this dna test. Do this test and sue for child support.

Count your blessings this arsehole self-removed, seriously. You don't need scum like that in your life. And stop being so nice.

I don't think adoption should be part of the discussion just now with respect. As you say there are plenty of single parents and not everyone does have family that can help out - they still manage. I grew up in a single parent family - better that than two unhappy parents.

Unfortunately it is now clear you need to move on from this man and concentrate on your baby OP.

Register your baby as soon as possible after the birth. As you’re unmarried, I don’t think you can name him as father on the birth certificate without him being present or giving a document of consent. Probably for the best as being named on the birth cert would give him decision-making rights about your child. If he wants parental rights later on he can pursue them through the courts.

Once your baby is registered, you can then make a child maintenance claim. If he disputes paternity (as not on birth certificate) it might delay things a little, but any maintenance granted will be backdated to the application date so it’s important to get this in early. A DNA test will then be requested by child maintenance for which he will have to organise with a doctor and pay for (if it turns out he’s not the father he can claim a refund). If he refuses to do the test he is assumed to be the father.

It really is him that’s going to miss out in the end.

I’m thinking of two particular school mum friends who were both single mothers with the father not in the picture.

Over time they told me their stories and in both cases the father had behaved absolutely appallingly.

The joke’s on those dads because those two beautiful, well-adjusted and smart kids are both in secondary school now and thriving. Their mothers went through some terrible times but the fathers were the ones who missed out in the end.

I would write them a letter explaining how sad you are that he has ended the relationship and enclosing his communication to you so they can see, and letting them know that while you won’t be contacting him as requested, you will not stand in their way if they want to be grandparents to your baby.

Absolutely do not take this advice and start writing to anyone in his family - this will provoke another solicitors letter - just don't do this please

its really unhelpful advice imo