26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

Also many of us know from experience that parenting alone is absolute heaven compared to parenting with a useless and cruel man.

I can vouch for that, OP.

Why would he feel threatened or fearful? He's not scared of her. He just doesn't want to be a dad

This.
Any decent parent would have rung you back at the first opportunity, unless you have a serious history of repeated ringing because you need a light bulb changed type of thing.
You and the baby will be much better off without the nasty piece of work in your lives but I would certainly claim CMS from him.

But would you be supportive when you could call her back or would you accuse your clearly distressed daughter of harassment?

I agree, be careful of this. If his lawyers can make a case against you honestly from your behaviour, it won’t matter what a dick he is or how much genuine distress he’s causing you, you’ll still be guilty of harassment.

What a horrible person, I’m glad you were able to split from him.

Tell him if he wants to pay for a prenatal paternity test then he can. It’s better this way, as long as you don’t mind blood tests, than after the birth where they need DNA from the baby rather than just from your blood.

Just echoing what most people have said.
Stop contacting him. Prepare for single parenthood and be kind to yourself.

He's been clear he doesn't want contact so don't inform him of appointments, scans or when you go into labour. Name the baby and give them your surname. Leave him off the birth certificate (if he changes his mind he can do the legwork to be added on at a later date). Claim maintenance from him, if he denies paternity they have their own system where he can be tested.

I would stop relying on your mum also, she doesn't sound like a good person so I'd reduce contact for a bit and stop being the one who reaches out.

Don't be afraid to tell people of the situation. He's the one who should be ashamed not you.

Good luck OP. It won't be easy but your baby is going to be worth it all. You don't need anyone else.

Im so sorry for what you are going through, its understandable you are distressed.
Why a man behaves like this beggars belief but some do .
Concentrate on yourself,your wellbeing and your baby.

1. GP/Midwife let them know how this is affecting you.
2. Do not contact him again.
3. See a solicitor for advice.
4. claim through the proper channels for CM when your baby is born and let him press for DNA testing.
5. Look after yourself.

At very least, needs to know how to respond correctly to letter received from his solicitor. Also would be able to enquire about any potential problems after being dumped in this overwhelmingly crap situation.

Going on what you have said, I'd say he did not want a child with you, the plan to conceive in 2027 was just to string you along. You were convenient but he did not see you as long term. Sorry.

Now you are expecting, he sees the cost of a child for the next 18 years and is appalled. Stop emailing him or trying to see a good side of his behaviour. He has abandoned you.

Inform him in writing when the baby arrives, put in a CMS claim, register your baby with your surname, and then leave the door open for him to see the baby if you want to.

He may change his mind about contact, he may not, but your relationship is over. You need to live your life for you and your child now. You have a job and a home, and will be a happy loving family of two. Start saving for your maternity leave now.

Don't worry too much about your mum. She'll get her head around your news, and she'll almost certainly come round.

I've done this for the last 15 years since my ds' father turned abusive. My ds is a joy, and about to take his a'levels. You will do a great job and be a wonderful mum. DM me if you need some support. Good luck. xx

@Mangelwurzelfortea - wrong thread!

Op you have had a huge shock but you can do this many women do every day. At some point you will find your anger with him. If the person you are trying to contact can’t help you try someone else, a friend, a colleague. It sounds like you need to talk it out have you considered a counsellor? Of course your emotions are all over the place you are pregnant. I would consider very carefully if you want him in your child’s life because currently his behaviour is showing you who he really is. Leaving you at your most vulnerable with no answers is such poor behaviour. Has your midwife been of any help? Look on entitled to for benefit advice as a single parent.

I dont think it harsh not to be able to take a call ,but it is harsh to say to your pregnant daughter who has been dumped ,is stressed and off sick and sent a solicitors letter that she is harrassing her mother for making repeated calls when severely distressed.
If i had repeated calls from one of my adult children,i may have missed the calls,may be unable to take the calls at a given moment but i wouldnt assume the reason for their repeated calls, but i would know they needed me.......

OP this is awful. I am so sorry this has happened to you and you are going through such a difficult time.

You will be grieving the future you were hoping for and the relationship with this horrible man. Not to mention the shock about how how he has behaved.

You are bringing a baby into the world, so as soon as you are able you need to look to the future and start making plans.

• Are you in an area where nursery places are highly sought after? You need to get baby's name on the waiting list for a couple of nurseries now to keep your options open once she's born.
• Are you planning to keep working once your maternity leave is finished and put your baby in childcare? If so, I really recommend you get back to work now as soon as you possibly can to finish out your work before you go on leave in a good place.
• Join a pregnancy yoga or pilates group, join an antenatal class ideally one that's specially aimed at single parents if there is one local. Is there a local family centre that has a pregnant mums group? You need to start building a new network.
• What support is your mum willing to offer? It doesn't sound like she has been great so far.
• As others have said, find out what benefits and support you are entitled to.
• Consider getting some counselling to work through this awful experience.

Wishing you all the best.

Ok. Tough love.

you’re going to be a mum. You’re going to be a single mum. You need to put your adult face on and accept it.

so. Plans.

what’s your workplace mat leave like? How long can you realistically have off.

birth. Will your mum or dad be useful? A friend? Can you afford a doula if not?

sort childcare. Get nursery/childminder options organised. Budget. Get an idea of what your income will be after CB and UC. Include CMS but don’t rely on it.

housing- can you go interest only on your mortgage. At least while the nursery years are ongoing. And debt you can pay off now, any money you can save.

you don’t need a lot for the baby. Get the basics.

sort the practicalities now. Then look into counselling and emotional support. It sounds like you can be quite needy and are catastrophising- get yourself in a better place mentally, you will soon have a baby to care for and you need to reduce the chance of being overwhelmed.

don’t factor him in at all. Don’t contact him. Go through the CMS when the baby is here. Stop contacting your mum- phone her once a week for a catch up. Let her come to you.

let yourself get excited!

He's behaved really badly, that's not in dispute at all. But it sounds like by continuously contacting him, you've had the opposite result of what you're hoping for. Just don't contact him again now - at all, for any reason. You may find when he's had time, space and advice from more rational friends and family that he comes round to being in the baby's life in a few months (but don't plan on this).

You need to focus now on getting your strength and resilience back and returning to work. Both to get back in a routine and for a distraction. Therapy would be good for you too as it sounds like you perhaps outsource your anxiety onto others through frequent messaging and this isn't healthy either. Best of luck.

Why can’t he organise his own testing?
Child Maintenance will request him to anyway. I wouldn’t be running to do his bidding.

Why is a solicitor necessary at this point?

OP, not surprisingly your MH sounds very poor at the moment. I would reach out to your midwife or GP for support as a priority.

You poor thing, what an absolute cunt he is! You can do this and it will be so much better than with a person like him. As you can no longer contact him it will turn out to be a good thing as he can keep making you feel worse. You now won’t feel compelled to give him any updates. When your baby is born you don’t need to inform him. If he wants to find out he will know approximately your due date and can find out if he wants to. Make sure you give your child your surname. At least he can’t be in the birth certificate so won’t have automatic parental responsibility which could make things more difficult for you. If he wants to he can apply through the court. As far as the DNA test he is saying that to purely hurt you. Put the CSA claim in when the baby is born and he can request the DNA test via them and he will have to pay for it. If he contacts you at all don’t feel compelled to respond. You owe him nothing. You can do this and you will be ok.

Not taking a call if you are unavailable is reasonable. Teaching a class would fall into that category. Making unkind remarks to your distraught daughter is not fine at all.

The situation is worse than just OP's relationship ending when she is pregnant. Her ex has contacted solicitors who are threatening legal action against OP to stop her getting in touch with him at all. She is pregnant with no support at all and the people who should have her back are going to extreme lengths to abandon her and to become annoyed when she reacts emotionally to her changed situation.

It can be very difficult to process just how cruel someone can be when they are supposed to care about you.

I hope you have the support to process this and find your anger.

• do not put his name on the birth certificate, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not give baby his last name, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not be discouraged from filing a CMS claim, even if starts pretending to be nice

You need to think of yourself and your baby now.

It can be very difficult to process just how cruel someone can be when they are supposed to care about you.

I hope you have the support to process this and find your anger.

• do not put his name on the birth certificate, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not give baby his last name, even if he starts pretending to be nice
• do not be discouraged from filing a CMS claim, even if starts pretending to be nice

You need to think of yourself and your baby now.

OP, you sound very distraight, for understandable reasons. But you need to take some proactive steps now. I obviously can't know exactly if your mum is cruel, but if you'ove been sending him messagess and emails daily, and also asking your mum for a lot of support, the repeated cslls over and over again today probably were too much. Take this as th epoint you DO have some closure - you know he IS okay, you also know that he is an ass and that he is going to make things difficult.

So first, speak to your GP or midwife about some MH support while you're still pregnant.
If you can, speak to a lawyer for some advice. If not, at the very least, look up what is necessary for a DNA test post baby and then send that back to his solicitor and make it clear in yoru letter that you will comply withA DNA test but he will need to facilitate/pay for it.
plan to claim CMS but otherwise, expect to be alone with this baby.

But this way, won’t OP have to pay for the DNA test?

Her ex wants the test, so I suggest going through CMS. That way, if he is the father, he’ll have to pay for the test. Also, the CMS will know which companies’ results they will accept, so it’s probably simpler all round to let them do it.