26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

My mum and dad who were married split when I was around three and he had to be forced to pay my mum the absolute minimum in child support then he cut me out of his life permanently. Just because someone has rights doesn't mean they'll care

You don’t need to pay a solicitor to respond to this.

Personally I wouldn’t be taking the phone calls in class because as soon as I realised how bad it was, I’d be taking a day unpaid personal leave to support my daughter.

Did you get to know his family and friends? Do you think his parents would give the ex a kick up the arse and you some support given they have a a grandchild on the way? Is it your first child?

Do you even want to be a parent? You can still have an abortion if continuing the pregnancy will severely effect yout mental health. You also have the option of adoption, otherwise i think you need to see the situation for what it is; even though not ideal you cant force him to want to care unfortunately. It does sound like your struggling to cope, maybe contact your GP or midwife and see if what support there is available going forward.

They do, but if someone has put a ring on it it would be unusual for them to bail at first announcement of a pregnancy, plus there’s more protection. Flip side less easy to walk away or not give parental rights, but this isn’t what most women are hoping for.

This.

Putting him on birth certificate mean he'll get PR - he can get this through courts later but he'd have to make an effort to do so.

Your Dmum sounds unkind as well and I wonder as PP have whether this is a dynamic you've repoduced subconsciously in a relationship. You don't hvae to undertsand why they done anything - you can't change their behavior just how you react to it.

I think you will have to look for some other support and plan to be a single parent .

Absolutely this

That still doesn't mean she was wrong to take time off work given the situation

@BeeHive909 "Same as your mum she would have called you back when she could. I wouldn’t like it if someone was blowing up my phone with calls."

This isn't "someone", it's her daughter for god sake. A daughter that happens to be in an understandably distressed, scared and vulnerable situation. If I was getting lots of calls from my adult son, I would be frightened to death that something was terribly wrong, not pissed off. Are you a mother?

She's got to pull herself up and fast. Or she'll be a wreck with a newborn baby. And we're all wrecked when we have tiny babies. How will she cope if she doesn't sort herself out now? No one else is going to do it for her. It's the reality of her situation.

I can’t believe anyone is suggesting that there is any substance to the op ‘harassing’ her ex. These laws were not intended to protect people who get someone pregnant and then want to fuck off into the sunset without any hassle. Another case of laws intended to protect genuine victims being abused. That said, there clearly is no point in contact.

Op, I’m really sorry your mum was not more supportive and that you’ve been treated like this. I think it’s perfectly normal not to have snapped into accepting the situation just yet. I hope you have others you can offload to, as well as accessing the more practical support that has been suggested in this thread.

This situation is absolutely devastating. You went from feeling supported to being alone at one of the most vulnerable times in your life. Panic and despair are appropriate initial reactions.

Now it’s time to figure out your life. You have a home. You have a career. You have life experience. You aren’t unprepared for a baby. This is just a different path. You can do this.

Your asshole ex lawyering up is actually a positive thing. It makes this all much less messy. Once the baby is born, get the dna test. It’s a good idea to officially establish paternity so there can be no disputes later.

If someone is pregnant and suffering from stress - it sounds like the relationship was stressful towards the end. It's not for anyone on here to say that being off work for ten weeks is too much. It is a new break up. They've been apart two months

I think he's an arse. Regardless of what you've done, the state of your relationship or how he feels, a solicitors letter is a step too far.

However. Calling your parents on repeat is possibly a bit of a red flag. This isn't a new breakup or a new pregnancy and you're heading towards 40. I wonder if you're over intense, demanding or very hard work?

I can understand in the first hours of a break up things are hard. But it's been 10 weeks since you split up with your ex. If you've messaged or called every day at least once, that would be 70 contacts. And calling your parents 'again and again' is intense too. As is being on sick leave for 10 weeks due to a relationship breakdown.

With all the best will in the world, you need to be more self reliant at this point. In less than 2 months you will be responsible for a baby. This is a very long way from what you'd hoped for but it's your new reality. It is your life now. Dig deep and move on from him. Start preparing for the baby. Cot, clothes, pram. Looking forward, not back. CMS after you've done the DNA test to prove the selfish arse wrong.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He's horrible, and you need to ignore him, and your mother, going forward. I'd only look at CS if he earns a decent amount and it's worth the hassle. Otherwise ignore, and move on. He's not who you thought he was, people can be shockingly cruel, and its all on him. You're shocked because its shocking behaviour.

The same thing happened to me!! All you can do is concentrate on yourself and the baby, he is not worthy of your time or effort. If you ask about on local Facebook pages for baby things you will be surprised how many people are willing to donate. As for your mum leave it where it is and let her come to you.
My daughter is 28 today and I can honestly say she has turned in to a fantastic human being.
Youve got this! Be strong for yourself and your little one and don’t let anyone dictate what you should and shouldn’t be doing.

This man is disgusting and your mother is a disgrace.
I suspect she has been hot and cold like this all your life and left you with insecure attachment which has been exploited by this horrible man.
Focus all energy, time and money on 2 people now OP: You and your baby. If your mum needs a favour, tell her you are busy, if she calls again remind her that she accused you of harassing her so needs to not be a hypocrite.
Read about attachment OP, I think you may find some answers. https://attachmenttraumanetwork.org/what-are-attachment-disorders/

I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

OP I’m a little confused.

You had moved out of his home.
You had made it clear that if he had to move for work, that you would not be going with him.
It sounds like you weren’t even in a relationship.

I’m not surprised he changed the locks when you don’t live there and apparently would try and get in.

In the gentlest way possible, I wonder if you’re a bit confused about the relationship status and therefore you have been a bit more intense than you realise.
You say you have been texting and emailing most days - obviously you want answers but he may have seen this as harassment.

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

You are a single parent OP and the quicker you accept that, the easier things will be for you.
To be honest, every one of us could have told you you were going to be a single parent if you had told us the situation from day 1.

Of course being a single parent isn’t the easiest thing in the world but it’s a lot easier than being in a relationship with a man where you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

Just take things 1 day at a time.
Focus on being excited about the baby and don’t let him spoil this for you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you

I suspect the TTC talk was just that, talk. Designed to string you along and he never wanted children in the first place. What he had hoped by his silence in response to your communications is to tell you that he was not interested in raising a baby with you and he was out. He just didn't have the guts to say it to you himself.

Good luck to you.

Cruel man finds a woman who’s been treated cruelly all her life. A tale as old as time, unfortunately. Just know that it is no reflection on you.

I think you’re very lucky to have found out what a POS this man is now rather than him waiting until you’d become a family unit with this baby. Now you and little one can build your own lives together from scratch.

I’d be willing to bet that he’s always been a POS actually, and that you’ve put up with much more than other women would due to having poor behaviour modelled by your mother.

I wish you nothing but the very best

What’s the point?

she will incur costs by getting her own solicitor to respond. And he may well then ignore it, or refer it straight to the police as evidence that she won’t stop when asked.

the solicitors letter doesn’t appear to have asked any questions or require a response, it has been very simple in that she needs to stop making contact or it will be reported to law enforcement.

that includes indirect contact. Friends, family, social media, even the solicitor.

o/p needs to realise he is a waste of space and she is doing this alone. Ditch him and any ideas that he will co-parent, and plan for her and her child’s future on her own.

What a piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!
The DNA request is a stalling tactic, so agree to it because then he will be in perfect alignment for child maintenance won't he?
Get hard, now.

OP, it sounds like you have a job and a home so that is an excellent start.

I know you are in shock now, and that is a completely normal response to what has happened to you.

Go to your GP and get the ball rolling re midwife/whatever the process is (I’m too out of date with these things to give advice there) and tell them what has happened. Ask for help, say yes to whatever is offered and keep yourself on their radar re mental health dips.

As someone who left a man who on paper was doing the right things but in reality had mentally dipped out, doing it all by yourself is much easier (there were other reasons I left, not just this). Being tired and watching someone else tell people about how tired you both are, while looking around for evidence that he’s done any nappy changes or cooking or laundry and so on is just a relationship destroyer. But doing it alone is much easier than having to drag someone along too.

Forget your mum for now, people do it without their mums all the time. And I’m confident your inner strength will come out and you will bloom.

I’m so sorry. This is a horrible situation for you. What a disgusting person your ex is. You’re much better off without him in your life even though that feels so upsetting and hard right now. But I know how terrified and alone you must feel. My partner walked out on me and our 5 year old many years ago and I thought I would completely break. But I didn’t and nor will you although it must feel impossible right now. I just wanted to send you some love and support. And reassure you that you will get through this. Lean on friends and family if you have them and maybe go to Citizens Advice Bureau who will be helpful and understanding. There is a lot of support out there. Much love to you ❤️