26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

it’s not about the pregnancy or him wanting to get out of it. He can do that without needing an “excuse” such as harassment.

the laws are there to protect anyone. If she is harrassing him, then he is a genuine victim. Just because he’s a shitbag doesn’t mean he can’t be harassed.

whether it would meet the bar for prosecution is one thing. But he has every right to ask her to stop with the constant contact.

What your mum said was awful but as other posters have said, it's more likely she was trying to make you see that you do need to back off from constantly calling and messaging your ex, rather than meaning that you are annoying her and your dad. I appreciate you wanted closure from him, but calling and emailing every day when someone clearly doesn't want contact is too much.

Your ex is behaving despicably, but you cannot change how he chooses to react. What you can change is how you respond to it going forward. So, I wouldn't respond to the solicitor's letter for now. Focus on your baby and your wellbeing. Talk to your midwife for mental health support. Build a support network around you and the baby so that after the birth, you have good people around you. Then do a DNA test and respond to the letter, and put in a CMS claim when the baby is shown to be his, which you know it will be.

You can raise your child alone and you'll be great at it. I promise you that at some point down the line you'll look back and will be proud of how strong you've been.

omg, she’s 26 weeks! It would involve labour! Can you imagine how traumatic that would be? 😭The OP said they’d agreed to ttc next year so she obviously wanted to be a parent.

Absolutely this.

This.

Also, she dumped him first - she left and went to her own house. Because the relationship was shit. And then came back and expected him to welcome her back with open arms. And he didn’t.

he has behaved poorly however.

You can't put him on the birth certificate unless you are married or he is at the registrar's office.

How do I answer her calls when I’m in a secure room in which im not allowed my phone and where there’s no phone signal (as an example of the sort of room I might be in at times)?

He's a coward and a dick. Am so sorry he has let you and the baby down so badly.
Nothing you can do now than start to make plans for you and the little one. You'll be ok, honestly. The baby will have you as mum, a woman who's had to go it alone and be strong, couldn't have a better role model growing up. Just sad can't say the same about dad.

Sending a MN hug, am truly sorry someone you trusted treated you this way.

Your mum needs to help you and stop being as much of an arse as your ex. Honestly, she's your mother, this is her grandchild.

The OP is ok, she's just been dumped. She's in her late 30s with a job and a house, she's not a scared kid.

She had a letter about harassment because she continued to contact the nasty bloke who dumped her.

Her mental health is clearly poor, and the OP should definitely seek some professional support - her midwife or GP should be able to signpost. She's going to need resilience when she's a mum so it's best to get help ASAP.

The OP's parents did speak to her about it on the phone when she rang. OP says this. But then she rang back "again and again and again". This isn't healthy behaviour, it's obsessive.

That's what she needs help with, not for her mum to ditch work.

Yes, exactly. This isn’t a decision she has to make. She can’t put his name on the cert the way things are now.

I find this really bizarre.

As the mother of adults, if one of my daughters was in this situation and needed my support because she was alone and reeling from the way this man was treating her, absolutely nothing would stop me from answering her calls and giving her all the support she needed.

This with bells on.

I’m so sorry OP that your ex is a prick of the highest order and your mother is unsupportive.

Fulfil his wish and don’t contact him anymore, not even when the baby is born to notify him. If he ever contacts you in the future just go radio silence, no accommodating “dad” when the child is older.

Take care of yourself and the baby,it will be ok,you’ll be ok in the long run💐

No she can't unless he is there or she has a signed declaration or there's a court order

Cross-posted!

All those saying don’t put him on the birth certificate…my understanding is that OP can’t do this anyway unless she has a signed legal document from him acknowledging parentage (unlikely), as they are not married and (presumably) won’t be registering the birth jointly.

Are you in the uk? Im sure if your not married you cant just put a mans name on a birth certificate.
speak to your Midwife im wondering whether there are services available because if you are struggling so much now how are going to manage taking care of the baby

I would too - don’t tell him when your baby is born, don’t put him on the birth certificate, don’t do a DNA test unless he gets a court order, don’t file for CMS because he won’t pay it anyway, just move on without this absolute deadweight abusive twat.

Your child is better off with no dad than with one who threw a pregnant woman out of her home, changed the locks and sent solicitors letters trying to scare you off. The very last thing you want is this twat getting parental responsibility and spending the next 18 year with him messing you around with contact, refusing to let you pick schools/move house/go on holiday because he enjoys fucking with you more than he cares about his child’s welfare, all the other shit you see malevolent dads on here getting up to. Just walk away and have a decent life by yourself.

Keep the solicitor’s letter, for when your child is older, so he can’t claim you kept him from them.

If he wants no further contact then the only reason he wants a dna test is to either suggest he's not the dad or to prove he is so then needs to pay cms if you put a claim in. That's up to him and the courts so you don't need to do anything.

I would do the DNA test otherwise he will just say you lied to make himself feel better.
That way he can’t deny they aren’t his child.
i wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate because then he can have rights to the child. You can still claim maintaining without the birth certificate.
Your mum sounds mean. It might explain why you’ve been attracted to an emotionally distant/cruel man though. Maybe try and lean on someone else instead of her.
Youll probably need to unpack some of this in therapy to stop you choosing the same sort of partner again because they are familiar to how you’ve experienced love, and to stop you repeating the parenting cycles your parents did with you on your own child. At the very least read “the book I wish my parents had read”by Philippa Perry

Would you/did you apply for child maintenance though?

I think as the OP has said now he has asked her not to contact him again through a solicitors letter she won't.its important she does not contact him again except through professional channels regarding CM issues.
He does sound a pathetic,awful man but agree the OP needs to be careful not to give such a man ammunition with which to hurt her further.

He is being an absolute monster. If he comes back wanting a relationship with the baby I would say no and make things as difficult as possible for him. You are absulutely not the problem.

So sorry you’re going through this. Give a lot of consideration to whether you want to pursue maintenance as he would have parental rights and could make life very difficult.

I’m a solicitor. Do you want my honest advice as someone who has been through similar ? Do not contact him at all , don’t tell him baby was born , don’t speak about him or message him or any sort of contact . Let his name out of the birth certificate for now . If he wants something to do with the child then he can do some hard work before . I have a feeling from his reaction he won’t contact you at all . I was a single mum twice and it’s much easier to do it in full control if the situation than having to out up with a nasty waste of oxygen. There is plenty of good men out there , I went in to marry an amazing one down the line but that guy is not one of them .