💐 And hugs OP
Of course you feel sad and are in shock as well from the callous treatment you're receiving from the father of your child!! That's ok. That's natural. Your heart is broken, shattered with an extra dose of humiliation, fear about the future, and no ability to even contact the man to whom you should feel closest to in this moment. It is extremely upsetting, as well as stress inducing. Your mind will be going over and over events, the letter, his behaviour, why he's being like this, and you will be feeling abandonment, which is one of the most triggering emotions, it's part of our most primal drives to be loved, so abandonment hurts us terribly, especially in a situation like this, where you have a whole life shift and you wanted a child with a father.
Take a few days or a week or so and cry it out. Grieve, because that's what it is. You are experiencing grief, grief at what this man really is, grief that things have gone so wrong and he does not want to be there.
Then you need to get up. I am speaking from experience. You need to start recalibrating your mind. You may not realise it, but you have within you a very sacred and deep strength that comes with motherhood. You need to find it and step into it. It is there, it might seem dormant for now, but I promise when you give birth and hold your child you will understand that you would tear down mountains to protect that child.
I say this as mum who had terrible PND, could barely function and felt emotionally numb and yet I tell you, I would have killed anyone who tried to hurt my daughter. I was in a similar situation, but without the legal aspect. Spent the entire pregnancy regretful for what could have been. Sad and crying. Ex left footprints over my emotions like sand on a beach. When my daughter was born, I switched into full Gaia mode and you will to. Shortly after I told him to either fix up and communicate and work out a solution or get to fuck. I fully meant it. I wasn't having that negativity around my child. Not one bit.
He stepped up to the plate. Years later he told me I had a certain look when I said it that frightened him. Yep. Damn right.
The next few months will not be easy. Take each day as it comes and do excellent self care. Go out for walks, eat well,relax, play soothing music whilst thinking about your baby. Maybe get some sort of counselling support. Speak to your mid-wife they can maybe suggest something.
What we're NOT going to do:
Contact your ex or his family ( leave that latter part for now, maybe you can in the future. I do think extended family is important for DCs but for now, leave it)
Panic and start obsessing over what's going to happen next, how you're going to cope
Ringing, texting, and leaning on people who are emotionally unavailable or make us feel bad, like reluctant family members. Choose your people wisely. This is crucial to avoid more unnecessary disappointment and pain.
Stop eating, taking care of ourselves.
Tell ourselves false narratives about how we're worthless because we've been rejected by someone who wasn't ever what we thought they were and do not deserve us in the first place.
Keep hoping he turns up for the birth
Hoping you'll get back together and he'll change.
Things we ARE going to do:
Proiritise our wellbeing.
Rest and meditate as much as possible.
Eat well
Exercise and socialise
Talk to mid-wife, get help from GP if we're struggling
Attend any prebirth courses
Phone a service like Samaritans if we need someone to talk to and feel overwhelmed
Start making practical plans. (If costs of baby things is a fear, start asking round for things people have second hand, go on sites like MN local for practical things. You would be surprised what you can get. Lots of mums are happy to give things away even for free)
Think about work, how much your maternity leave will be and any benefits youll be able to claim. Look into child care. It will be tough, but doable I promise you.
Of course there are other options you might want to consider, that's up to you and none of them would make you less of a mother.
If he or the entire situation is getting you down, maybe thing about the possibility of moving away, giving yourself a fresh start. Does your job allow for flexibility on working locations? A friend of a friend was in a similarish situation and because she worked in healthcare she actually was able to go emigrate to Canada with her child after a few years. She's very happy there with now 3 children and a long term partner (mind you this was 25 years ago when she went).
You have a line of women stretching back centuries behind you who have walked your path successfully. You can too. You have it in you. The very fact you posted this looking for support shows that.
Wishing you all the best xx