26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

@Brokennn
How are you doing? I hope you are feeling a bit better.

No it doesn’t, as I said. It’s just a bit shit that so many men get away without consequences.

And why should she throw herself on the sword?

It doesn’t reduce the taxpayers burden in any way shape or form

On an individual level I think it’s understandable to cut him out completely and not even pursue CMS. However, since that alone doesn’t give him PR, I think he should pay his way. More money will only improve the child’s life chances, and why should it be the case that taxpayers subsidise shitty fathers (which will happen regardless of CMS) and they get off with no consequence?

I hope you’re ok op x

But she may get years of stress and trouble from him. If she can afford to be totally independent, OP might be best to cut him out completely. As for him wanting to be a father one day - well so what? He's burnt his bridges there by the disgusting way he has treated OP. its not for her to facilitate him dropping in and out.

I linked this thread already for the Op.

There was a recent thread on here where the OP had this exact circumstance. Partner became distant, she moved back to her house, he changed the locks, she tried to contact him; he threatened her with a non-mol and her mother took her ex-partner’s side. Her situation has moved on in that it’s a few years on and her ex now has contact with their child but her thread title was something like AIBU to not trust ex due to how he treated me in pregnancy.

If you can find her thread she might have practical advice to give you.

According to a survey by the Office for National Statistics, more than half of children who had abusive parents, suffered domestic abuse as adults.

So the odds that OP's ex and her mum are conntrolling and abusive are pretty high.

I agree! OP is taking on board other points of view with good grace. She sounds like someone who is capable and mature who has just been knocked for six by the abusive behaviour of her ex and the callousness of her own mother. Most people would find this hard to come to terms with.

Sometimes it is A
I was A. Both are now in prison. I found an evil abusive husband because I normalised evil behviour after being raised by an evil evil mother

Quite high, so give it up!

High- people from non neglected/ abusive childhoods go on to repeat patterns in who they attach to . It’s completely understandable.

op I am sorry to hear what has happened and sorry that your mum is not someone who has emotional capacity.

you are going to be a mum now and you can be a different sort of mum. Take strength in going forward talking small well thought out steps. You will reap the rewards in years to come . Work on your relationship with yourself .

Fairly high - abusive men are ten a penny, and people who have experienced emotional abuse or neglect from a parent are more likely to tolerate or even seek out similar traits in a partner.

Quite high. If someone has had a childhood with a difficult parent, that's can set the pattern for future relationships.

True , but what are the odds that both the ex and the ex's mother are controlling and abusive, and the OP is completely in the right, and has told us everything that is relevant?

I’m not sure what you’re arguing with - it’s clear from your link and the CPS website I quoted that it’s more than ‘how he feels’. For the conduct to be criminal it needs to meet all the requirements. In this case (based on the info given) it doesn’t. Which will be why he didn’t report to police and instead used a solicitors letter (which requires no evidence) and included the suggestion he is not the father.

Changing the locks, not bothering to explain what’s going on, sending a solicitor’s letter rather than telling OP no contact is wanted - all these are behaviours of someone controlling and abusive. And that is sadly not rare.

@whatareyouwaitingforr a solicitor will write whatever you pay for unless it breaks the law.

It just feels a bit like:

OP: somebody has told me that I am despicable. I now feel despicable.

Surely at that point the reaction should be:

OP we have felt despicable ourselves before, and so we send you solidarity and the wisdom that nobody is despicable. least of all you!

And yet instead it seems to be:

I definitely agree with the person who hurt this OP and I'm going to do my level best to bring their (hurtful) argument to the table. Cuz I have decided that this other person is definitely telling the truth and the op is definitely lying. And even though I have never met either of them, I believe that so emphatically to be true that I choose to be the mouthpiece for that other persons argument!

Seems like a very unscientific way of doing things/ looking at evidence etc......

I think if you're going to respond to something, it's so much easier and more fair if you just deal with the information that you've been provided with, plus your knowledge of the world.

So, you've been provided with the information that the OP has given. You don't have to believe her. But you also have factual knowledge of the world, alongside your speculative, creative, "storytelling" mode.

So you're not sure whether to trust the information you are given in the the OP? Now you have two options. You can either use your certain knowledge of the world, which is that if I go to a solicitor and I pay a solicitor and I tell a solicitor a series of things, the result will be a letter that I have paid for.... Sent, in this case, to the OP. You know that to be a fact. (ie: how hiring a solicitor works)

What you are talking about: all this harassment and wild things that the OP is supposed to have done, none of that has any basis in either the information you've been given from the OP (which of course you don't have to believe) OR your factual knowledge - Which is that lawyers rarely witnesses the behaviour that they are contracted to deal with, and the whole point of the legal system is that you actually CAN go to a lawyer and say "this is my position and you're going to defend it for me" . Seems to me that you gone for creative speculation at the first hurdle, which suggests a misplaced confidence in your knowledge of human nature.... and I just can't get over the hubris !!!!

OP has told you about her side of the story AND FACTUALLY YOU ALSO KNOW one can go to a solicitor and ask them to take action because it's very easy to gather the kind of evidence that one would need.

I just think at this point how self-evolved do you have to be to think that the story you're making up in your head is more worthy of your emotional involvement than the one that is playing out in front of you on the forum that you chose to go to?!

Reading your measured response to some of the completely idiotic comments on here, it's quite clear - to me at least - that you are not the problem! 🤗

From your posts, you sound much better today, OP and I’m glad because even though I didn’t post about your situation, I read your posts and you’ve been on my mind.
Yesterday you had a shock on top of other recent shocks and it’s understandable that you’ve been unmoored - but I’m feeling that the solicitor’s letter (cruel and unnecessary as it seems to have been) has provided you with the closure you needed and that you’re finding your feet now.
im so sorry that the people you trusted have let you down, but you’re clearly wiser now and it sounds like you have a lot in your favour. As others have suggested, can you get yourself some therapeutic support and back to work? You haven’t mentioned whether you have good friends or other reliable family, or how solvent you are but now is the time to start to slowly build up those reserves of a wider network if you don’t have those things already.
You’ve gone through a really brutal time, but I think this is going to be the making of you. I wish you love and all the best.

Are you talking to me?

Have you only just joined the thread? It’s been running for a while.