Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

Pretty sure it her life or are you paying the rent to keep control of her?

Iim not sure on whether it's normal or not but I don't understand the funding thing. If you are paying for them ( I never did) why would it close less if they were at home leaving empty accomodation

Oh, it’s that OP. I remember that thread, and have just gone back through it again. Looks like she’s taken none of the great advice from that thread onboard, and will continue to do the same here.

We’re clearly all shouting into the void here, but, OP, at the age of 55 I moved with my DH and child to a totally new country. I had to create a new social life for myself from scratch. Child wasn’t primary, so no mum friends via school. I joined classes, Facebook groups and put myself about. It wasn’t easy, but I made it work. This is what you need to do.

Got a link?

I admit the idea of spending my uni summer break with my mum shopping, lunches and spa days sounds like absolute hell.

i’d be doing it to keep my mum happy.

You know that means she's not planning on returning to live there again. She's 21 and she's likely not coming back for any more summers.

You can't expect her to live your insular life in a very rural area where the majority seem to use their family for socializing. You want an enmeshed family because you don't have that big family network where you are and you've been using her to meet those needs for emotional connection and socializing. It's pretty obvious you're lonely where you are but do you really want your life for her?

You seem to have very different ideas about what sons do vs what daughters do that seem dated and out of touch and she doesn't share your thinking on that.

It's time for you to get some counseling to deal with your feelings and start creating a life of your own. You immersed yourself in being a mom but have little identity outside of that. That needs to change

I recommend reading the OPs other thread before posting a reply to this one.
She was again all upset with the daughter for potentially not being available to make a fuss of her on her Birthday.
The daughter is apparently duty bound to her mother.
I’d say your daughter has found some space after being enmeshed with you for so long, and is enjoying the freedom.
You need to stop any guilt tripping you’re doing because at the end of the day you’ll be driving your daughter further away from you, physically and emotionally.
You need to find your own friends, take up some hobbies, join some groups and concentrate on your own life rather than focussing on your daughter’s.
I adore my kids more than life itself but couldn’t imagine looking at things the way you do.
It sounds like you’d happily stop paying her rent to get her back home if you could!

What I wonder is what happens when all the internet savvy young adults find threads about their lives where mum has shared an awful lot of information with strangers, it's bound to happen.

I think it's worth people knowing that OP has another recent thread about her DD where she complains that she won't commit to doing anything for her (OP's) birthday months and months in advance.

Utter rubbish.

ime all the kids I know who remain close to their parents are the ones who didn’t go to uni.

Out of interest, did you encourage her to go to uni, to move away? Did you suggest going to a local uni and living at home?

I did this second and third year of uni (went and worked abroad etc) and I honestly didn't give my parents feelings a second thought. They seemed excited for me from what I remember! I still have a close relationship with them 20 years later, it's not like I was rejected them, just spreading my wings.

I think there was an older child in the other thread, wonder if OP felt as bereft when that older child left home?

Exactly. OP has posted before about her DD pulling away and her last thread in particular was really odd.

Your other thread about being disappointed in your daughter is illuminating OP. Maybe take a step back and have a think about whether you're asking too much of her and she's stepping back for a reason

Come on now, OP. I know you're sad but don't be sexist about this and discard advice.

You should be so proud of her taking control of her finances so well

Obviously this is hard for you but she’s an adult and has her own life. You need to let go.

Oh get a grip. She's allowed to be upset, and she knows it's an irrational thought.

Sending hugs. I'd feel the same x

Do you mean sons feel less obliged to keep their mum company and are freer to spread their wings without guilt?

What you’re saying does have some truth in it, but is it really a good thing? Daughters should be able to have independence without constraint just as much as sons.

This is a bit harsh but there’s an element of truth within.
Your child is no longer your child. Once they leave home, which include uni, they start to look at life differently as they realise they are free to make their own choices. Your expectations of a repeat of last summer are widely out of scope. She won’t be the same person.
I’d suggest that’s why she doesn’t want the near-home job - it belongs to the person she was, not who she is becoming.
As the mother of two in their 30s I’d recommend giving them their freedom but keeping them close with a light and loving touch. And never ever use guilt tactics.

Oh be happy.
She either has friends that are staying on over the summer or a love interest. You have raised her right.
There are many things to be devastated about in this life. A happy child isn't one of them.

Totally agree with this. Dd isn’t coming home from uni this summer. She didn’t at Xmas either. She’s having a whale of a time living in a big city. I get that home is boring compared to that. I miss her but I’m happy for her.

OP, my comment was too long and I was able to say this much more kindly, so this will be much more blunt: your entire frame of reference is based on how you were socialized as a woman. Get therapy. The status quo of your brain is unhealthy for your daughter. The fact that you view those as the two options (one hour away or next door) is wild, when the fact is with WhatsApp or WeChat, distance is an illusion. Your daughter is a free individual and post-uni, she may settle across the world from you.

You cannot discourage this because your own view is so narrowed by what your mum taught you and what her mum taught her about support networks and strength of love being distant-dependent. That was 100% necessary for survival in the past; it’s not anymore. Time for paradigm shift.

At 40, I can talk to my mother every day in a way I never could at 20, and we’re separated by over 5000 miles.

With all respect please nip this in the bud now. Be proud she is independent and enjoying life. Look to your own life now - get busy with friends hobbies, be interested and interesting. She’ll come back to her lovely bedroom hopefully with friends too and you’ll have lots to talk about. Keep it free and easy, open house. Don’t always be around.
One of ours buggered off to work abroad all last summer and the other inter - railed for a couple of months. We joined them for a bit before doing our own thing. Roots and wings.

You look at social media and compare yourself to your friends but all of their children would stay away too if they could afford to, trust me. However much you love your parents, independence is sweeter.

I say this as a pining parent to young adults myself, but I’m just happy that they’re happy. It’s not about me. They deserve to live life on their terms.

YABU to make this about you.