Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

@MesonBoson and @CurdinHenry

this is Mumsnet. We are allowed to miss our children.

The only mistake the Op has made perhaps, is posting in aibu, where apparently bullying and knocking down another mother is ok.

OP, well done on raising such a wonderful, independent and secure daughter who doesn’t follow the crowd. nurture that relationship and see what you can do to continue that. Would, for example, a week away together appeal?

This type of response is “a classic” example of Mumsnet at its worst.

so focus on the majority, ignore the bots and trolls, and focus on little ways to continue that lovely relationship.

OK - you are feeling sad - that is valid. But please don’t wallow in the sadness, @Lemonmeringue76 - you need to embrace the future, and you can’t do this while you are hanging on to the past.

So take a moment to be sad, but then take a deep breath, and find things that you can look forward to. You owe it to your dd - you don’t want her to compromise her future because she is worrying about you being so sad without her.

We have to let our children go - but your relationship with her sounds great, so I am sure it will survive time apart - that is my experience, with my dses. I am proud of them, building their independent lives - even though it means that one is 8 hours away and another is on the other side of the world.

100% this

@Millymollymandy4 ah I see. Yeah, we can’t buy our kids’ company!

Ya think the grown up daughter can take a few days to visit her parents who are paying her rent?

YANBU. You have and you'll get some awful comments here from people asking you to get a hobby or if you don't have friends. They must think that hobbies or friends are a suitable or better substitute for the company of their child.

I don't agree. I was at uni in the early 90s and didn't go home for the summer. It was more fun being away from home, even if I had to pay rent, and there were more job opportunities. None of my uni friends went home over the summer.

I know it’s hard but can you reframe this as a good thing and be proud of your daughter? She’s an independent young woman who has the confidence to stay away from home in the holidays, the independence to get a job and pay her way (ok not her rent but still).

Children need to be encouraged to spread their wings and be their own people, especially girls who are taught by society to be fearful and keep their lives small.

You say that you’re sad that it won’t be like she’s back living at home but that’s how it should be at her age - or at least a perfectly good way to be. Please don’t make her feel bad about wanting to stay in the place where she feels like an adult. Even if you’re sad inside, don’t make her feel guilty as it’s so unfair.

She needed to point it out as it didn’t come across like that

My son only really came home properly in the holidays during the first year and maybe some of the second of a four year course. After that I barely saw him. But I was happy with that because I knew he was happy in his uni town and has made many life long friends plus a girlfriend he is still with. Obviously he was welcome home but I stopped viewing him as 'living at home' quite early on. He was hours away, it was difficult to visit, and he didn't come back after as he had a job elsewhere, but I'm happy he seems to have stepped out into the world with confidence.

Was wanting to say something like this but your post said it so much better!

Maybe to someone who is desperately searching for a stick to beat OP with - sure.

She was pointing out the irony of the situation. She doesn't sound resentful in the slightest to me, just very sad.

Op hasn't guilted her child. She is feeling sad about it and wished she was coming home. Nothing wrong with those feelings.

Oh, OP - have a big squishy hug. I totally get you. It's great that you've raised such a happy and independent young woman. It just sometimes hits you suddenly and hard that they've fledged, doesn't it? I felt the same when my DD didn't come home for the holidays.

I'm sure you've had a lot of negativity aimed at you on this thread OP, but I get it. All things being equal, I think it's pretty odd when uni students don't come home for the holidays. In the Nineties when I was at uni, everybody was at home when it wasn't term-time, with the exception of those who had family issues or were in low/no contact with their families. But otherwise, it was normal to want to go home and spend time in your main home with your family, in your familiar bedroom, and see your friends from home, and enjoy your home area. Then there was the very simple reason that you could work and save, which was much, much harder to do if you have to pay living costs as well. But my parents would never have paid for rent out of term-time. Waste of money when there's a perfectly good bedroom at home.

I suppose you'll just have to grin and bear it. I wouldn't say anything. Maybe she'll come home for the next summer, after staying in student accommodation all summer and not saving as much, and not seeing her family and home.

Exactly - only yours on loan

I think mine would have quite fancied staying in their uni accommodation all summer, but when I pointed out I wasn’t giving them the term time monthly money over the summer as it would be significantly cheaper (for me!) to come home and eat with us, they moved back!

Absolutely. And the way to love your children is to enable them to have independent lives and not guilt them for it.

Does she have a new boyfriend who lives near the university? Could that be the reason she wants to stay there?

I think as it’s the second summer she has enough established life where she is
good on her

I can’t get over you decorating her room with her when she’s moving away

Some people like and love their children

Did you post before? The dd with the new boyfriend who suddenly wasn’t coming home.

One thing you try not too do is fall out with her over it. The older they get the more stubborn they become.

That’s cruel.