Turning up to church wedding just because you can. Would you?

This is lovely. I'd like to think I'd be able to do the same with my DD's friends, when/if they get married. I've known them since they were all toddling!

When DH and I watched back our wedding video, I clocked a very smartly dressed elderly lady, quite frail being guided into a pew by one of our ushers with a copy of our wedding service in hand and said to DH 'who is she?' (thinking she was a friend of his family), he replied 'don't know, thought she was from your side of the family!'. I guess she was a member of the public, who just popped into the church to watch the wedding!

• a misunderstanding by some non-churchgoers who nevertheless choose to use a church for weddings and Christenings about the meaning and history of these rites, churches and church communities.

Precisely. Back in the days when the only real options were a Church wedding or a basic register office ceremony I can understand why lots of people opted to get married in a Church even if they didn't believe. But these days there are so many choices of wedding venue and style of ceremony that it makes little sense to me why someone who isn't a practising member of a religion would choose a religious service. There are many beautiful venues with good capacity where you can have a personalised ceremony that reflects your own values and beliefs. Same with Baptism. If you aren't religious but want a ceremony to welcome and celebrate your baby, then hold a secular naming ceremony.

However, if you choose a religious ceremony, then you need to respect the beliefs and customs of that religion. Even if you aren't taking the religious element seriously you can hardly complain when the members of that congregation do take their side of things seriously, even if they know that you are just going through the motions. So if you choose to have your baby christened, you may have no intention of actually joining the Church community but you can expect that community to still show up and make their promises because even if those promises mean nothing to you, they do to them.

If you want a scenic backdrop, pick a castle, stately home or a lovely hotel. If you want a ceremony that means something to you but you are not religious, work with a secular celebrant. You aren't limited to a small room in the town hall if you don't want a religious ceremony any more. My DD and her husband wanted a "traditional" wedding but aren't religious and they had a lovely wedding in a fabulous venue with words and music that meant something to them, and no hypocrisy or disrespect to anyone else's beliefs. But if you pick a religious venue then you really can't complain if the religious people there follow their religious and cultural traditions!

For a lot of people a baptism is an excuse for new clothes and a big piss up, sadly!

I have done this once, but it wasn't for nefarious reasons. We were friends with the bride and had been invited to the evening reception, but not the actual church service or main reception. We understood why - we were friends through a club that we all belonged to but she couldn't afford to invite every member plus partners. A few of us wanted to attend the service, though, to witness the actual marriage, so we did just turn up. She was not at all upset and was actually delighted to see us all there. We didn't hang around for the photos, however, as we felt that would be inappropriate.

I definitely wouldn't do it if I thought we weren't going to be welcome though.

The lack of understanding of what a congregation and church community are there for, what they represent and the offensive comments about people who turn up to weddings and christenings as being bizarre, rude, creepy, nosy and people using those buildings for there own personal gain with no respect for the faith and community it represents is really really sad.

I got married in a Catholic Church. As others have said there were a cohort of woman who regularly went on a Saturday afternoon to mass - if it happened to be a wedding on at that time - they would just sit at the back.

I think, having read the thread, there are a couple of different issues here:

• a misunderstanding by some non-churchgoers who nevertheless choose to use a church for weddings and Christenings about the meaning and history of these rites, churches and church communities.
• the distinction between disgruntled, maybe even hostile, relations turning up uninvited at a wedding - that's undesirable, I get that. But if the actual church congregation come to watch, that's a normal tradition in most places and generally a nice one - they're there to celebrate and support on a happy occasion.
• no-one is suggesting anyone can gatecrash the reception! That is a private event. But churches are public, inclusive buildings and everyone is welcome. People who just use the church as a backdrop without attending or joining the community have to understand that - or go to the many other available venues instead.

I'm in a choir which sings at lots of weddings and I have to say - you probably need the local congregation to sing the hymns. Most of the time we are told by the couple that none of the guests will know any hymns and our little choir are the only voices singing.

I invited several friends to our church wedding - I was honest with them that there was no space at the reception but they were very welcome at the church. We had drinks and nibbles outside the church before going to the reception so I did get a chance to see/speak to them before they left. It was lovely, I was so happy they came!

We got married in the church I went to as a child. There were actually quite a few local acquaintances (eg school dinner lady, old neighbours, grannies pals, customers from the shop I worked in) who had heard I was getting married and just turned up for the service. I was delighted!

Ha I have current experience of this, but for a reason!
My LO sings in a CoE church choir which are booked for every wedding (and often funerals too). LO is too young to be unaccompanied in a setting where I don't know who the attendees are, so I put on a pretty but not too distracting outfit and sit in the side pews.
If anyone looks at me with a 'who is she?', as there's always the 'does anyone know of any just cause etc.' bit to get through, I usually explain to someone on the grooms side who are usually say down well before everyone else. I've had a few relieved sighs (quite what were they concerned about?!) and thanks for letting them know.

Loads of people turned up at the church when we got married. We were quite well known in the community, I worked in a nursery and was a volunteer for Girlguiding, dh volunteered with scouts, so lots of those children and their parents turned up, and there were neighbours and family friends who had known us all our lives who came out to see us.

it’s lovely to have a full church, especially if they know the words/tunes to the hymns and are prepared to sing out!

i have also attended a couple of weddings in churches, of family friends/neighbours children who I grew up with. Despite being a village, the parish church where I grew up is massive, so always ‘spare seats’ available.

Some of my parent's neighbours and other members of the congregation came to the church when I got married. Not actually in the church because it's tiny and was full of invited guests but they were there when I walked in and afterwards. And they're in some of the photos. I thought it was lovely.
I have been at loads of Christenings of people I didn't know, they normally take place as part of a normal Sunday service. As a child my brothers and I thought it was great when there was a baptism because it meant there wouldn't be a boring sermon that week. 😁

Of course you don’t gatecrash a reception! No one is suggesting that!

No the wedding itself in church is not just theatre - it is a public declaration before God of your marriage, of your vows. It is a declaration by those present that they will support you. It is a recognition of God in your life and thanks to him. It lays out what you are agreeing to by getting married. Thinking it is just theatre is perhaps why you do not understand why other people attend.

No, that’s just very weird.

I am guessing you or someone you know maybe has not been invited to a wedding and want to turn up anyway?

If I knew the couple and it was a church wedding near me, I might. I doubt I’d crash the reception because that costs them money. The wedding itself? It’s just theatre, isn’t it? If I’m not disruptive, who cares? The attention should be on the bride and groom.

In Scotland a christening is normally part of the regular Sunday service. As regards weddings you will find in long established communities that acquaintances of the parents of the bride or groom will give a " minding" - a gift - to a couple. It could be something quite small eg a couple of tea towels. They may go to the Church. There is no expectation of going to the reception. It dates from times of need and hardship.

So its definitely a thing for members of the church in all parts of the UK to rock up, sit at the back or on the balcony and see a wedding.

Is it also a thing within other religions groups?

Happens here in rural Wales too. It’s a small community and locals, especially people 50+, often sit in the back of church or up in the gallery in chapels. Not weird at all, all part of the day and there’s also usually a crowd outside the church/chapel. You’ll often see older women who have known the bride, groom or both since they were born. Unless it’s a very small chapel, there’s usually plenty of room for the onlookers. They help with the singing too!

The law is not a technicality. It is a public event if held in a church

I have and would again. If it is people I care about. I went to dd2s. Best friend wedding dd2 was a bridesmaid. I sat in the back. Wished the happy couple all the best left a card with a small amount in and went back home. I know from dd2 that they loved I took half a day out to come see them get married. I wouldn't do so for strangers but people I care about absolutely.

I would not push in or sit anywhere near where it suggests I am a invited guest. At our wedding (30 years ago I admit) several of my parents friends came to see us get married they had known me as a child and wanted to see me get married. Some of my cousins as well (I have a lot) I thought it was a lovely thing for them to do.

Just really bizarre because they’d never met this child before in their lives, nor would they ever see her again!

why on earth would you hold a Christening for a child into a church where you never intend to take that child to again? If not directly lying, you would certainly be doing so by implication in your responses during the service. Perhaps that is why they wanted it private - to assuage their guilt and to avoid being held to account for what they said in the service? They didn’t want independent witnesses?

I’ve been to quite a few country side weddings when the little church was totally full

My church is big and when I was engaged I was planning to spread the word that all are welcome to come along. I know lots of kids love to see a bride I was obsessed when I was a little girl, for example, and some of my mums friends locally asked if they could come along to see. I’d have had no issue with that as long as no one minded they weren’t getting fed after. But the wedding didn’t happen!

Gatecrashing means going to a private event without invitation or permission. A wedding ceremony isn’t a private event, you can only gatecrash a reception as that’s the bit you need invitation or permission for.

Also very few couples will fill a church with invited guests, so a few random respectful folk helps to make the place feel a bit busier.

Just noticed the comment about gatecrashing a buffet - now that is rude, and probably classed as theft, taking food you weren't invited to share.