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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue my new relationship.

67 replies

eraserandcharcoal · 14/05/2026 09:51

I would appreciate your opinions and will try to make it brief.
I am in early fifties, a solo parent of three. Kids are 21,18,16.
I have been single for years after divorce so I could concentrate on parenting and myself after the whole sorry affair.

As a family, we were left blindsided and devastated after the shock departure of my husband due to his affairs.
we are doing really well now.

I met a really good man, it seems.
only a few months in but we live an hour away from each other so see each other once per week with an overnight every fortnight.

my kids are used to me being around all the time apart from work.They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.
my eldest is 21. She is home from college and said that I haven't cooked in weeks, I’m’ never here’ and am so busy and go to bed too early.
my middle child doesn’t care either way but is anxious due to exams lately.
My youngest who is 16 resents me not being around as much. He says I’m ‘never here’ and misses me.
He has recently secured a Saturday job but is upset I cannot drop or collect him. The walk is a mile each way.
My youngest and I always spent the weekends together .. walking the dog, going for breakfast, shopping etc. He will not socialise with other boys and has confidence issues. I believe that his summer job will help him immensely socially.
He has been seen by go/ psychology for attachment issues. He has improved so much but they each and all recommend that I stay living my
own life as Im
really only enabling his anxiety and attachment. His attachment ramped up when my husband left. It’s been seven years.He has friends at school and is popular in school. He doesn’t play sports or belong in clubs. He simply refuses to.

I feel awful about them saying I’m never here . I work hard at two jobs and am a solo parent as I said. I’m exhausted and medicated for high blood pressure due to pure stress.
I really like this man and it’s totally mutual. He puts no pressure on me nor me him. It’s just a lovely escape of pure joy and simplicity right now .

I am around at least one full day each weekend and a half day also but I want to continue this relationship . My children will all be gone to uni in three years
So it will be me on my own , at least five days per week.
can you please advise ?

My best friends are mother hens who don’t have any social/ hobby life outside of parenting and also have involved husbands and fathers so I won’t get an objective opinion from them plus, they don’t live my life or understand it really.

OP posts:
CowboyGangsterPolitician · 14/05/2026 10:19

Can you not build in something in the week with your youngest like a Thursday night cinema trip? Or am I misunderstanding and you’ve got two jobs?

Bed at 9 is early- I hang out with my older teens till 10, watching a bit of tv, chatting, etc

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/05/2026 10:17

I can see why he would be lonely if you're going to bed at 2030 each night and not around as much as weekends.

Why don't you go to bed so early? Is that a new thing?

Original poster
eraserandcharcoal · 14/05/2026 10:16

My typical day mon- Fri is this ..
leave home for work @800.
Home@ 1600.
Kids @studyuntil 1800.
I do my extra job from 1700/1800.
Dinner,walk,tidy, drive with kids for a chat until 830/900. Bed by nine.
kids in for half hour chat in my room.
one evening per week I go to a hobby at 2000.
Weekends are different in that I do my chores/ jobs etc on sat am with my kids. Maybe breakfast or lunch, meet new man on sat afternoon for the rest of the day. Home in the evening or overnight once per fortnight.
On Sunday, I relax at home on sun with kids, dinner, walks, friends for hour maybe , hobby for an hour at 1800. Get ready for another week .
If I’m away overnight on sat, I come home on sun afternoon.

OP posts:
Beyondamountainandoverthesea · 14/05/2026 10:14

StitchHappens · 14/05/2026 10:00

How much time are you spending with him?
And how much are you available to them?

Edited

It literally says in her OP.

GatherlyGal · 14/05/2026 10:13

You've done an amazing job with your kids OP.

Trouble is part of being a great parent is making sure they are ready for the world. Regardless of your right to be happy and have a life outside of motherhood you won't do them any favours if you let them treat you like a housekeeper!

Let the kids cook the dinner and walk to work.

It sounds tough for your youngest but it even the experts think you need to pull away a bit.

Enjoy your relationship and don't feel guilty - you have spent years giving the kids what they need.

iseenyouwithkefir · 14/05/2026 10:08

If you're "never home", it's not because of this relationship if you're only seeing each other one day in seven! I'd track things for a few weeks and try to evaluate honestly how much time you spend with your children overall and whether you think it's enough; but if it's not then more time doesn't have to come at the expense of your new relationship. Would your children be willing to end their own (actual or hypothetical) romantic relationships if you said you didn't see them enough now that they'd found partners?

If you'd told your 16yo you would drive him to/from work and now can't, I'd see if you can come up with some other way to help him travel. For the other stuff, though, it sounds mostly like things they should be working out alone or together. Even the 16yo can heat leftovers one night a week if he can't cook, or you could consider leaving him money for a takeaway if you feel it's warranted.

Also, is their dad in the picture at all? It sounds like they're expecting so much from you that they can't be getting equal from him. I know it's not always possible to split things up fairly, but consider the fairness of their critique if they are angry with you for your absences and not equally with him for his.

IgnoreIt · 14/05/2026 10:04

eraserandcharcoal · 14/05/2026 09:59

I think it’s that I’m always there, always available.
I feel guilt fo my youngest as he only has/ had me at weekends and now we don’t go off walking anymore, go for trips etc. He is lonely I think. He has his job , our dog etc but doesn’t leave the house otherwise as he has no friends to meet as they’re all involved in sport etc. so it’s guilt I guess. I also go to bed early each night so I’m not really around to watch tv or chat after 830.

At sixteen he can’t be relying on a parent as his sole company at weekends. The job sounds as if it will solve that to an extent, hopefully.

Bridgertonisbest · 14/05/2026 10:02

I really enjoyed spending time with my kids but the youngest is almost 18 and getting ready to be doing his own thing and I’m going to be left with no one to play with. 😜

Ask them if they see themselves still being your entertainment in 5 years time?

Or are you simply there to cook and serve them?

StitchHappens · 14/05/2026 10:00

How much time are you spending with him?
And how much are you available to them?

SpaceRaccoon · 14/05/2026 10:00

They'll want you around to cook for them, give them lifts etc then they'll happily flit off and live their own lives with their own partners (as they should) and you'll be left alone.

Original poster
eraserandcharcoal · 14/05/2026 09:59

I think it’s that I’m always there, always available.
I feel guilt fo my youngest as he only has/ had me at weekends and now we don’t go off walking anymore, go for trips etc. He is lonely I think. He has his job , our dog etc but doesn’t leave the house otherwise as he has no friends to meet as they’re all involved in sport etc. so it’s guilt I guess. I also go to bed early each night so I’m not really around to watch tv or chat after 830.

OP posts:
GinWizard · 14/05/2026 09:58

You are a person as well as a mum, you deserve happiness as well. I can understand why they feel like they do, although it does sound like what they miss most is lifts and someone cooking for them! Do they see their dad at all anymore?

IgnoreIt · 14/05/2026 09:58

No way should you end this relationship. In fact, from what you say, it will actively improve the life of your youngest if you step back a bit and wean him off his over-dependence on you.

You’re working two jobs and sound as if you’ve had a tough seven years solo parenting three children. You deserve something that centres you (even if it sounds as if it adds to your busyness!)

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/05/2026 09:58

I think they are old enough to sit them down - probably individually - and tell them that whilst you are their mother you are also a human being who deserves her own life. They've got used to you always being there but they are now taking you for granted and need to be exercising more independence.

DilemmaDelilah · 14/05/2026 09:57

Go for it! You are entitled to your own life and they need to realise that.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 14/05/2026 09:55

Ask them seriously do they see you as their dm or simply staff?

JacquesHarlow · 14/05/2026 09:53

They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.

They are old enough to figure this out for themselves!