To continue my new relationship.

Ah please spend more time with this child whilst he is still relatively young and clearly misses you. Your children are always more important and regrets can last a lifetime.

Sorry for the cross-post, OP

That sounds great, but don't be afraid to ask them to contribute. The older 2 are adults now and should be doing their part. They won't know how to look after themselves when they leave home if you don't get them involved now.

You deserve to have your own life, OP, but it doesn't sound like there's much left for your children, especially your 16 year old. It's not only about his age. Attachment disorder is a really significant issue and you used to spend a lot of one to one time with him, but now you just clear off on Saturday lunchtime and come back at the vague time of Sunday afternoon. It's absolutely expected that a child with attachment disorder would struggle with this.

If I didn't cook for weeks at a time, I wouldn't expect my kids to be flocking round the dinner table if I one-off decided to cook.

Why do you work a second job in the evening? I'm assuming it's a financial necessity, especially as the children's sperm donor sounds useless. I think the impact of the second job and now the relationship means that you're barely there for the children in a meaningful way. There simply isn't enough time for anyone. Only scraps of time for your youngest son. You sound like you desperately need time for yourself, hence bed at 8.30, which is ridiculous. And now a huge chunk of the weekend where you're away. You sound overstretched. You're prioritising the relationship with your boyfriend. You're withdrawing too much from your children. It's all out of balance.

The bottom line is - you’re not actually seeing this guy that much and you’re actually very around for your kids. If you were around less it might encourage DS to find other people his own age to talk to. He can’t cling onto you indefinitely.

They should all be capable of cooking and doing without you there for one or two evenings a week.

That said, it sounds like you're doing things differently and not being there constantly is triggering some abandonment issues, especially for your youngest. You've had professional advice and that's what I would follow.

What I would do is stay up a little later with them and have them start cooking meals with you doing supervision at first. Spend a few evening teaching them to cook one of their favorite dishes. But they don't sound very independent given their ages and that's going to need to be strongly encouraged.

A healthy 16 year old can walk a mile to and from work. It's really good exercise.

Things are changing a bit given that you're dating and they're going to have to adjust to that. They can't expect you to stay and do for them forever.

Don't give up your relationship unless the relationship itself stops working for you.

I co-parent 50/50, so it is a different scenario, but here's our routine.

I work full-time and WFH when DC (17, 14) are with me. We have a schedule that started when they were much younger, but hasn't changed hugely, where they each have one TV night (1-2-1 time) per week with me. DC2 is at a club when I watch with DC1. DC1 games when I watch with DC2. Their choice of show.

We also try to fit in a family TV or film night, but that's sometimes only once a fortnight, occasionally less frequently now DC1 has developed more of a social life.

I try to get them to walk DDog with me once each on our weekends. One on Saturday, other on Sun.

Do your DC do anything around the home? Cooking, laundry, etc. I'm currently trying to get into a more regular exercise routine (rapid mid-40s weight gain) and DC1 recently started cooking once a week so that I can e.g. go for a run without it impacting the TV/family time.

DC1 enjoys cooking and has been able to put together a proper meal since age 11. So I appreciate that this something they actually enjoy. However, I also think it's important for DC to contribute and develop independence before leaving home (DC1 wants to go away to university).

If they're not already, all of your DC are old enough to cook for the whole family regularly. Even if just the older two alternated and only had to cook once a fortnight each, is there a way that would give you some time back to spend with the 16-year-old without compromising anywhere else?

Also, if they are commenting that they never see you, have they suggested any ways to spend more time with you (that don't involve giving up your relationship)? You could try telling them you don't want to hear any more complaints unless they have realistic solutions to the perceived issue.

I once read that just 15 mins a day of focused time is enough to strengthen the parent-child relationship. Sometimes, if everyone is busy, we just play a really quick word game or card game at the end of dinner so we've done something together.

Parenting is hard I think in some ways the young adult (or almost adult) stage is the hardest.

Getting the balance between supporting them, pushing them, encouraging independence etc with some kids is tough.

It is not selfish of you to want your kid to be less reliant on you for his social life.

So you can tell them if they want you to cook they eat what you make with no complaints. Once a week they cook for you (they can rotate betweenthe 3 of them or cook together but that night is their responsibility). They take on some of the household chores to free up your time, and then you won't be so tired you need to go to bed at 8.30/9 which will give you more time together. They (especially the older 2) need to understand that if they want more of your time they need to give more of theirs.

Do you not cook for them is it true it’s been weeks, do you not have dinner together as a family? Just leave them to fend for themselves?

I do wonder if you’ve written this jn a way to make them seem unreasonable, and out the blame on them so the answers go the way you wish.

it does feel like you don’t spend quality time with them, but are always busy.

I think I’d try to have dinner as a family. You can take it in turns to cook, and try not to go to bed early each night. I see you first said 8,30 then changed it to nine. It feels like as soon as your jobs are done, you go and sit in your bedroom, it’s likely why your sleep is disrupted, you’re not going when you’re tired, you’re going to be alone.

I think all your DC are being a bit ridiculous. Saying you are never around and never cook when the only change is that you are out every Saturday afternoon and every other Saturday night and Sunday morning. Have they been perfectly happy until you started dating? They should all be taking turns to prepare family meals already. Perhaps you could push back your bedtime by an hour or so?

I think of course you should continue your relationship.

My heart is pulling towards the fact he’s 16 and still needs you. He still needs to feel your presence and you are his security. It feels like to reduce your time with him now, might be too much for him right now.

could you adjust the plan so if you stay over, you are back on the Sunday morning, so you have a regular family day?

I don’t know the solution at all but you’ve been a brilliant mum so far handling their adjustments to family changes. You’ll know the next right step better than any of us.

Firstly YANBU, you should be able to have time for yourself too.
Would you be able to do the overnight on the Friday instead of the Saturday? That way you would still have the Sunday with them.
They probably wouldn't miss you so much on the Friday if you normally go to bed at 8.30pm.
It sounds like while you aren't seeing much of your partner, they feel it's impacting on your time with them. Why do they think you spending 1 day a week with him is what is causing you not to cook?? Do they help with household chores? Do you cook together? Do they ever cook?

Does he have any neurodiversity/ disability diagnosed?

You said he has anxiety and attachment issues, is that an official diagnosis that you have evidence for, or is that you knowing it but him refusing to be seen about it?

I only ask because if he has a disability/ mental health condition then he can get something called Access To Work, where he can get a workplace mentor to help him (it wouldn't be at work, it could be an online thing he does separately, so it won't make him stand out - no one needs to know).

It's a different thing to a mental health service so he might be more likely to engage. It's more like coaching/ support with his job and you can frame it like that rather than therapy.

He needs someone to talk to and support him other than you, but if he won't engage with mental health, you can make it more positive and about his summer job and growing independence.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/access-to-work-factsheet/access-to-work-factsheet-for-customers

They might at first - it is a threat to what they have got used to. That doesn't mean it's bad though, it just needs communication and for you to be really clear. They are still important to you so tell them. They need reassurance and security - you need to say it out loud - you guys still matter SO much, you are not being replaced, etc - say the words and say them regularly. It helps x

They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.

Two of your children are grown adults who should be able to do these things for themselves. Your 16-year-old absolutely needs to learn to hang out with people who aren't his mum, and a bit of enforced independence is definitely appropriate at this point in his life. He shouldn't be upset about having to walk for 15-20 minutes to get to work once a week. Frankly, even if you were home, I don't think you should be giving him a lift every week when it's only a 1 mile walk.

How do your 18- and 21-year-old imagine that other people their age cope? Do they not realise that plenty of people are at university and living independently at that age? Just because they happen to live with you, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be managing their own lives.

It's great that you're all close but they need to grow up a bit now.

Come off it. It's obviously not that straightforward/ black and white when you have an anxious 16 year old with attachment issues.

OP, I get it, it's really tricky for you. You 100% shouldn't give up your relationship, but it's also clear that your youngest still needs you and is feeling anxious about the situation.

It seems like he needs support transitioning to more independence and adulthood. You said he's been seen about attachment issues but is he having ongoing counselling/ support? It sounds like he needs some general help with 'growing up' for want of a better way to put it - managing with you being there a bit less.

I think it needs a very slow and supported transition and he needs to know you are still his mum, he is still a priority, and you are not going to just disappear with this man.

Also if you are serious then think about when is a good time to introduce them if you haven't already - he might feel less anxious once they've actually met?

I can see this from both perspectives and I don't think either you or your son have to give up what you both need (each other AND your own lives!) - but you need to be open and honest with one another and strengthen your relationship with your son so you can support each other through it. It's a change all around and change is hard xx