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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel fed up with one sided relationships and selfishness?

37 replies

Lilypad80 · 13/05/2026 20:53

To just be so flipping fed up of other people’s selfishness? I genuinely feel like selling up and moving somewhere far away!

I can confidently say that through my adult life I have been one of the most reliable people you could ever wish to meet. I pride myself on never going back on something I’ve said, I am proud of always being there if someone needs me. Of course I’m not perfect but I have tried and continue to try very hard to do the ‘right’ thing. I have read advice pages when fixed with a delicate situation so as not to say the wrong thing, I have been reflective and asked my brother or respected friends what they think about a situation so that I can rectify something if they think it’s been mishandled by me, I’ve made the meals, cleaned the house, paid for the school trips and good clothes, made sure they went to school and were on time, helped with any applications, paid for the driving lessons and the 1st cars. I’ve been the hostess, I’ve been self deprecating and am never, ever boastful (that does seem ironic as I’m blowing my own trumpet right now but damn it, it’s true.) if I booked a holiday I make sure I play it down a bit so no one feels envious etc (ridiculous I know but I’ve never wanted anyone to feel crappy) I’ve been the person that says ‘no worries’ when someone lets me down so that they don’t feel bad, I’ve given the lifts, I’ve been the babysitter and dog sitter and listening ear. All whilst having a very difficult and busy life with a disabled child. My life will never be my own, I will always have a disabled person relying on me until I die and fuck me I do it cheerfully and joke about it to ease everyone’s discomfort. I’m the DIL from heaven, I ask for nothing (that’s not an exaggeration) and still welcome them into my home regularly, making conversation, making drinks, showing an interest, despite being invited to anyone in the IL’s family approximately 3 times in 20 years and being exhausted 24/7. And do you know not a single person in my life reciprocates an iota. I have older children that make jokes at my expense whilst still wanting to be in my pocket, they want me to be there for them through their mental health struggles whilst completely disregarding the fact that my life is bloody hard and not asking how I am (with any actual interest) not sending cards occasionally on mine of my long term partners birthday like it’s not important despite me modelling never being late or forgetting theirs or their spouses. I’ve started listening more than talking (advice from my Dad) and I’m staggered at how openly rude people actually are to me and how one sided all the relationships are. IL’s booking holidays with everyone in the family invited except us! Friends of my child’s Mums making lighthearted comments about my child wearing branded clothing and how they are glad their child doesn’t, despite me being nothing but pleasant and complimenting their children, offering play dates and helping them out with a school run etc. And in making zero comments about the clothes my child is wearing by the way, I mean they’ve been commented on completely out of any context other than being noticed.

I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of everyone!

I just need to get it out of my system. I know I should speak up and I probably will but I find it very difficult, I never want to hurt anyone but it feels no one in my life has the same consideration for me.

I honestly can see why so many women end up missing and then gone. It’s relentless and thankless.

OP posts:
decorationday · 13/05/2026 21:57

And do you know not a single person in my life reciprocates an iota

That's because you've made it easy for them to take and never give. You've moulded yourself into the most perfect doormat and they are very comfortable with that.

You have to have boundaries in order for people to respect them. That's what assertiveness is - still being a decent person but meeting your own needs too, not just everybody else's to your own endless detriment.

I learnt this the hard way myself. It's shit, I'm sorry.

MermaidMummy06 · 13/05/2026 21:54

I hear you loud & clear. I am just going through an episode now, actually. My friend who hasn't bothered to call or visit in 2 years has landed herself on us because a family member died. Hasn't asked how we are, hasn't cooked a meal, and is apparently not staying for days, but weeks, but can't give us a timeframe.

I've told her how burnt out DH & I both are, and money is tight, but no money has been offered for the meals she sits down to at night, no cooking, hasn't even offered to take out for a coffee or asked how I am. Is about to inherit hugely, too. Just wails about how sad she is for parent she hasn't bothered to speak to in 20 years. Has booked a trip with other friends later this year. I could go on.

I've realised I'm the dull, reliable friend you call on for support, but don't offer the same back to. I'm always on the outers, tossed aside for better offers.

I had a swipe last night when she said she needed 'me' time and I said I don't get any. Still no registration of using the day she's taken off to do anything to help me.

DH is also burnt out with an elderly, demanding parent (who I refuse to help as IL's were abusive to me).

I honestly just don't bother anymore. I am defeated. I'm on the brink of telling friend to leave.

Original poster
Lilypad80 · 13/05/2026 21:47

PigsyChibsy · 13/05/2026 21:37

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Take pleasure in knowing you are a kind and thoughtful person who many people would welcome into their lives. I know I would.

Thank you

OP posts:
IgnoreIt · 13/05/2026 21:43

Lilypad80 · 13/05/2026 21:30

I have, you’re right. However, unless these people are brain dead surely they can see that it’s not right to take, take, take.

Show quote history

But you can’t do anything at all about other people’s behaviour, ever. All you can control is your own. You don’t give more than you can afford emotionally, you say ‘no’ when you need to, you ask for what you need when you need support or help, you challenge people when you need to — you behave like a human being with her own needs and wants and limits! Not an automaton whose job is to service other people.

Honestly, OP, especially with a child whose disability means you will always be his/her carer, you need to take your own needs seriously or you’ll burn out.

Ask yourself why you’re deprioritising yourself all the time with everyone. Who taught you this was the right way to live?

PigsyChibsy · 13/05/2026 21:37

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Take pleasure in knowing you are a kind and thoughtful person who many people would welcome into their lives. I know I would.

Devilsmommy · 13/05/2026 21:35

Lilypad80 · 13/05/2026 21:30

I have, you’re right. However, unless these people are brain dead surely they can see that it’s not right to take, take, take.

Show quote history

They know it's not right but they just don't give a shit. People are arseholes nowadays. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by them. Definitely start being selfish and thinking of yourself more. Don't be there for everyone else all the time when they won't be there for you

Original poster
Lilypad80 · 13/05/2026 21:30

IgnoreIt · 13/05/2026 21:26

But OP, you have contributed to the dynamic that you’re complaining about. If you position yourself for decades as the endless giver, helper, listener, shoulder to cry on etc etc, you’ve established a situation where you’re everyone’s human service animal. You’ve positioned yourself as someone with no needs, whose relationships are all about catering to other people, while inwardly you’re seething with resentment.

I have, you’re right. However, unless these people are brain dead surely they can see that it’s not right to take, take, take.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilypad80 · 13/05/2026 21:29

SameDaySameWindow · 13/05/2026 21:19

I feel like this OP; I’m very similar to you except I don’t have adult DC. I’ve given my all over the years to end up disabled myself and nobody gives a toss.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, you can only ever count on yourself. Start putting yourself first.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

OP posts:
IgnoreIt · 13/05/2026 21:26

But OP, you have contributed to the dynamic that you’re complaining about. If you position yourself for decades as the endless giver, helper, listener, shoulder to cry on etc etc, you’ve established a situation where you’re everyone’s human service animal. You’ve positioned yourself as someone with no needs, whose relationships are all about catering to other people, while inwardly you’re seething with resentment.

Thelnebriati · 13/05/2026 21:20

Just remember that nasty people think kindness is a weakness. They don't think of you as a nice person, they think of you as someone they can put down to make themselves feel better. Now you know where you stand with them, don't put yourself out for them any more, you'll just end up feeling like a martyr.

SameDaySameWindow · 13/05/2026 21:19

I feel like this OP; I’m very similar to you except I don’t have adult DC. I’ve given my all over the years to end up disabled myself and nobody gives a toss.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, you can only ever count on yourself. Start putting yourself first.

Thingcanonlygetbetter · 13/05/2026 21:09

Just a big hug OP, that sound’s relentless.
You need to give the measure you get anf stick with it.
Adult kids can’t be arsed to send you a card, then you can’t be arsed to send them one.

Friend making bitchy comments about clothes - she is not your friend.
In laws - don’t entertain them if they are not going to entertain you.
I recommend you read or listen to the let them theory, or listen to it on audio.
You come across as lovely OP, don’t let them all walk over you.

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