AIBU to feel fed up with one sided relationships and selfishness?

But that’s you responding to your mother, OP, and you sound very scared. Your logic seems to be ‘I need to behave flawlessly to everyone at all times and treat myself as always the least important person in the room, otherwise no one will love me’. Yet you’re seething and resentful in ways you’re clearly afraid to show when people take you at your word and treat you like the least important person in the room.

If you don’t treat yourself as though you’re important, no one else will. You are telling them not to. You’re saying ‘Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark’ and getting cross when they say ‘Fine’, turn the lights off and go out without you.

For contrast (and I’m a recovered people pleaser, having been brought up by one, so it’s not that I don’t get it) — I centre myself. I say no to things. I pick up the phone and say ‘Can’t talk now’ and arrange another time. I don’t give more than I can afford. I have absolutely babysat and dogsat, but not all the time. I’m a listening ear, but will also challenge and say ‘I have to go now’. I ask for help when I need it. If someone is unpleasant to me, I’ll pull them up on it. I will tell my teenager that, if I’m working, he has to be at death’s door to interrupt. I regard my PILs, of whom I’m fond, as DH’s business when it comes to invitations. I’ve probably only made them a few cups of tea in 30 years, as he’s the cook. I’m assertive about what I want. I never self-deprecate. I think my friends are lucky to have me in their lives.

Yet I have strong friendships and relationships in general. People appreciate me and don’t take me for granted, despite the fact that I don’t keep helping them 24/7.

I'm a bit like this so understand that it's not that easy to change who you are . Sending a virtual hug xx

You teach people how to treat you OP.

I have stopped reaching out to so called friends now. Had a short, one sided reply from someone I thought a friend at the weekend….decided then I am out! I am disabled and really struggling atm….no support from her, I was the person she called upon after her recent operation….another so called friend exactly the same. I have also pulled back from her….I feel so much lighter now. Lonely, of course….x

@Lilypad80 my parents looked after lots of people

My mum is too old now, and dad's no longer here but they were very much into being supportive and helpful to everyone. When dad died, I had so many letters from people about things that I didn't even know he'd helped with - obviously when I was a child, I knew what they were doing, but when I moved out, I was less aware.

It was always reciprocated, though, they were surrounded by very supportive people

I do think that community minded generation is dying out. I would've been happy to carry it on. But others don't seem interested. I do have some nice neighbours though so hopefully there is some of it left.

I usually get told off for mentioning it here, but I thought you might like to know.

You're allowed to feel fed up. What some of us are trying to say is that you have choices and the power to influence this dynamic.

I don’t believe that being a very giving person means that the people around you should treat you like a doormat

But if you are excessively endlessly giving and never do anything to communicate your needs, how are they to have the opportunity to do anything except take what you are giving? Why would they value your needs if you don't?

I think it's interesting that even when simply and factually staying that you grew up in a difficult household you immediately felt the need to minimise it by saying you don't feel any resentment. Like you needed to atone for saying it and prove that you're a "good" person who is not blaming anyone else?

If your difficult childhood has set you up with such a passive interpersonal style that you're constantly being walked over, maybe you would be justified to feel some resentment. That would at least show that you value your own needs.

It is possible to be a generous person who also has boundaries and protects and meets her own needs too. It is not either or.

Yet all your behaviour towards them says ‘Treat me whatever way you like, and I will roll over and still do your bidding’. Don’t you see the contradiction here OP? On here you’re saying continually that other people should behave in a certain way, yet your actions say otherwise.

I absolutely get that this is a survival mechanism left over from a difficult childhood (I had similar), but it’s not making you happy, OP. And you’re the only one that can change things.

You sound like me

I thought the things I was doing was just normal decent human being things

I wasn't a martyr
I helped people out when they needed it
I offered because I hate asking and I thought others hated asking

I wouldn't say I was rejected as a result, but there's definitely a category of person who thinks I'm just too nice and no reciprocal help was ever forthcoming - post lockdown, prior to that I would say people were different.

cba now.

it was only from here that I found out people see kindness as a weakness. So I no longer offer it.

@Lilypad80 The thing is that when you are a "giver" you need to surround yourself with similar people and not just takers. I respect everyone I know even though they sometimes don't respect themselves. My Mil is a mug and instead of taking advantage of her I tell her to stop being a doormat and to think about herself. So does my dh btw. I'm far from perfect but like you OP I'm reliable and kind. But I find it easier to give than receive- do you recognise that as well?

i hear you and feel the same way , I believe in treat people as you would like to be treated yourself , but understanding we are all different too, I try to be a supportive friend and mother , it doesn’t always come back around when you need it most , but I do feel that it does show up from true friends when you need support , strong believer in karma and Aldo follow ‘ let them’ I know I’m a good person and think you are too, do put up a few personal boundaries and stop being so open to those who don’t deserve you , you sound a brilliant person to know and be around

Thats your opinion. It makes no negative difference what I say to her, im never going to meet her, if I want to say something nice (people pleasing in your words) I can, It has NO negative consequences, only positive, so no you are wrong, its NOT irrelevant.

You need to stop being so available. Stop sending your AC birthday cards and bailing them out. Spend some of the money on making your life a bit easier. So they sulk, let them. I think it's true that people don't value what they get too easily

If you fashion yourself a martyr, what do you expect?

But that’s irrelevant. The OP is resentful, unhappy, burnt out, and seems to have few healthy, supportive relationships. People-pleasing isn’t working for her. It never does.

Don't change OP. You're lovely xxx

As Greenday once said, nice guys finish last! You’ve made a rod for your own back. Reclaim yourself.

@MermaidMummy06 I’m outraged for you. Are you in the south east? If so, I’m happy to offer my services to put a rocket up this woman’s arse, tell her all the ways in which she is a terrible friend and get you your home back.

You are being royally taken for granted. And if you want that to change, then you have to change. I’m sure you’ll get some pushback because people don’t tend to react well when people they take for granted put a stop to it, but you sound like you’re reaching the end of your tether. You’re being used.

if I booked a holiday I make sure I play it down a bit so no one feels envious etc (ridiculous I know but I’ve never wanted anyone to feel crappy) Stop this. You don’t need to brag about it, but you don’t need to play it down either. If someone asks you where’s you’re going, then tell them and that you can’t wait. If they feel envious, then that’s their problem.

I’ve been the person that says ‘no worries’ when someone lets me down so that they don’t feel bad, I’ve given the lifts, I’ve been the babysitter and dog sitter and listening ear This is fine when those people are doing those exact same things for you, but if they aren’t, then it’s time to stop. If they aren’t being a friend to you, then why are you being a friend to them?

All whilst having a very difficult and busy life with a disabled child. My life will never be my own, I will always have a disabled person relying on me until I die and fuck me I do it cheerfully and joke about it to ease everyone’s discomfort Stop joking about it. If someone asks, tell them that you’re knackered and overwhelmed and it’s bloody hard work.

I’m the DIL from heaven, I ask for nothing (that’s not an exaggeration) and still welcome them into my home regularly, making conversation, making drinks, showing an interest, despite being invited to anyone in the IL’s family approximately 3 times in 20 years and being exhausted 24/7 Stop this. If they don’t appreciate you when you’re the DiL from heaven, then why are you still working so hard to make things nice for them? Stop inviting them. If they try and invite themselves, tell them it’s not convenient and you’ve had enough of hosting so someone else can host for a change. What do you have to lose? Let them go to the houses of the people they’re inviting to go on holiday with them.

I have older children that make jokes at my expense whilst still wanting to be in my pocket, they want me to be there for them through their mental health struggles whilst completely disregarding the fact that my life is bloody hard and not asking how I am (with any actual interest) Your children are arseholes. If they make jokes at your expense then tell them that they’re very funny for a bunch of adults who are still poncing off their mum. Remind them that you have done everything possible to make their lives easier and to give them a head start and you don’t understand how they’ve turned into such shit heads (and make sure you swear, especially if you don’t normally. They need a short, sharp shock). Tell them your current approach clearly hasn’t done them any good, so you’ll be treating them the same way they treat you from now on.

not sending cards occasionally on mine of my long term partners birthday like it’s not important despite me modelling never being late or forgetting theirs or their spouses Then stop sending cards. Send a text. And if they ask why you didn’t send a card to their partner, then tell them you didn’t think that you were all bothering with cards anymore, seeing as how nobody bothers sending a card to your partner.

I’ve started listening more than talking (advice from my Dad) and I’m staggered at how openly rude people actually are to me and how one sided all the relationships are Strikes me that your dad is fully aware of how people are taking you for granted and would be very happy to see you stand up for yourself.

Friends of my child’s Mums making lighthearted comments about my child wearing branded clothing and how they are glad their child doesn’t, despite me being nothing but pleasant and complimenting their children, offering play dates and helping them out with a school run etc. And in making zero comments about the clothes my child is wearing by the way, I mean they’ve been commented on completely out of any context other than being noticed Stop offering to help with school runs unless they’re helping you. Stop offering to host their children unless they’re offering to do the same for yours. I’d be tempted to ask why they feel the urge to mention it if they’re so happy with their choices, but if you’re worried about your child’s friendships suffering, then just shrug your shoulders and say that they’re just clothes and all you care about is that your child is clean, tidy and comfortable, the same as them. If they keep on, then tell them that you don’t want to fall out with them about it, but your child’s wardrobe is not up for discussion and that’s the end of it.