Ending marriages with children

There's a difference between wanting your parents to get divorced, and realising after the fact that it was the best decision.

I didn't say they wanted us to split up. My son was very worried about it, because he had seen his things had progressed when his best friend's parents split up. But they, with hindsight, say it should have happened earlier - because life got better for everyone involved.

What strikes me with blended families is that when you ask parents they are almost always positive about how they work and how their kids felt about the situation. With the kids it's more of a mix and while some are also positive it's a discrepancy.

I do think people are quicker to call it quits these days (and have been for the last 20 years or so, not that recent) and ultimately so often the children are the ones who suffer. Whether it’s the “right” thing to do is obviously very individual to the situation, I do think people are now more selfish than in the past (men and women) and don’t want to compromise. For many people splitting up is the right thing, they simply aren’t able to live together, for others well, perhaps working out the best way forward and listening to each other might mean the kids grow up with parents together. However I did stay with exh, we put the kids first and he left once youngest turned 18 (i wasn’t aware he was that unhappy), I feel cheated in a way that I never got the chance of a life with children with my now dh but of course I probably wouldn’t have met him if we had split earlier, he was in his own unhappy stay for kids marriage! After a few drinks we wonder if only we had met (our lives did come close to overlapping by sheer chance) when I was 20 and home 28 before he met his ex wife but then we wouldn’t have the 2 dc each we have nor … well we had had too many beers!

I love my steparents, would be lost without them, also love my siblings who have come from those “blended families”.

I went to lunch with my Mum and Stepmum last week it was lovely.

I don't anyone who split up because they were a bit bored or the spark was gone.
It's usually because they were desperately unhappy, not willing to put up with abuse anymore, were worried about the effect on their children living in an awful environment.
Plenty of people find themselves losing a marriage not of their choice because their spouse is leaving them for someone else, or they need space (but it always turns out to another woman usually) or they have unearthed husband has been visiting prostitutes or having affairs or drug issue etc.
I think people like to say people leave marriages without good enough reason but that's not what I have encountered.

Divorce rates are lower now than they have ever been in 50 years. The difference between the failure of married and cohabiting relationships with children are four-fold. So, I would say if your partner is too risky to marry or they think you are too risky to marry, then you'd be better off not having kids.

And I know that might get a lot of backs up but it's my opinion. And one that isn't formed through a religious lens, I'm an atheist, I just think it makes for a decent test of viability.

I obviously don't know them better, but there are very few circumstances where children want their parents to get divorced.

Interesting that you suspect you know them better than I do!

Unless you are my ex, who has convinced himself that they were scared of me, and that's why they agreed to move with me rather than stay where they were... (they had the option)

Your suspicions are unfounded. But believe what you like :)

How many people file for divorce if they are in a fine marriage, not unhappy and there is a minor issue? It is iikely there are tons of small issues that are the one saif outloud but at the core one person is unhappy. It is much easier to grasp the tangible small things than the core issues that are lack of respect, feeling under appreciated and unloved.

Me and my partner are not doing great at the moment. I have not told anyone. I do think we will make it work, but if we were to break up I would say "we wanted different things" to other people.

Do many people really upend their lives and families, in all likelihood reduce their financial means, lose their companionship and go through heartbreak, because they are a bit bored? Do they really think they'll ditch the marriage and it'll be like being 25 again?

I just can't believe many people do that. Most people who want to divorce are very very unhappy. Women for sure are far more likely to stay in abusive relationships than leave them. It's notoriously difficult and potentially dangerous.

I think that there are situations where it's necessary for a couple to split but I think that what we're maybe doing too quickly or lightly is bigging up the benefits of doing so for the children. I've seen some right crap on here including that kids of divorce are lucky to have two loving homes instead of one. Yeah I'm still waiting to hear a happily married parent lament the fact that their kids only have one loving home 🙄.

I agree also, more effort to try & make things work & if that is not possible then no more children with someone else. I think a lot of people do this to the detriment of their 1st child/children (although this will not be a popular option).

I don't think the people you think are divorcing are.

When both people are selfless, emotionally intelligent and can communicate they tend to have long stable relationships. The public veneer couples show and individual peoples abilities in other areas of their lives (work, friendships etc) often aren't replicated in marriage. It also requires both people to have the neccessary qualities.

You have obviosuly been hurt my the way your parents handled coparenting and blended families, but that doesn't mean that other people are throwing away good healthy marriages or doing coparenting badly.

I suspect they might tell you what they think you want to hear.

I don't know anyone who divorced because they were bored or had some minor differences.

Everyone I know with kids who has chosen to split has done so after years of trying or after something truly awful like cheating.

I separated from my children's father. They would 100% disagree with you, op.

Two happy parents living separately is better than two unhappy parents living together.

No regrets.

children can “adore” the new bloke or woman though just like they can hate their actual parent…see it on here all the time. I have a friend who had her stepdad walk her down the aisle. Her dad was barely invited. Despite him being in her life and not being the reason the marriage broke down…

I’d tend to agree. I think the hyper-individualism/ “living your best life” mindset imported from the States doesn’t help. But equally I totally accept that there has been a big shift in the marriage “contract” if you like from men being breadwinners and leaving their wives to run the home to a 2 earner household - unfortunately it seems from a lot of threads on the Relationship board that men who benefit from the material aspects of being in a 2 income home don’t want to pull their weight on the home front. So completely understand why you might not want to stay married to someone like that! I guess the key is picking your partner wisely to begin with but that’s easier said than done. The older I get the more I think leaving marriage to chance/who you fancy is a pretty terrible idea and that we should bring back family matchmaking.

Of course, but you will be jumped on by those who tell you how great their blended family is and how their children "adore" the new bloke.

I've always thought it to be cruel to have more children when you already have a child from a previous relationship. It must be pretty shit for that child.

Of course you are right.

Miserable is miserable though it doesn’t matter the reasons imo. Whether it’s lack of love, respect or whatever. If one person isn’t happy then there’s reason to leave.

I have no skin in this game as have no children, although my partner does. From watching those around me, I don't believe the 'instinct to break up a family' is too strong/quick. I could be wrong but most couples with kids have to be truly miserable before they admit defeat. So yes it still begs the question of why they are so miserable as (sometimes very new) parents when they were happy to 'coast' before they had them.

It's who you choose to have a family with in the first place. They're in love and they go ahead and have children, without asking themselves deeper questions about stability, compatibility, values, needs, what is and isn't working etc.

Again, I'm probably way off base! But that's the impression I get.

I’m mixed on this but think I mostly agree with you.

I think that there is an automatic (and slightly toxic) reaction on many a MN thread when people tell the OP to ‘divorce him now!’ to the smallest issue. It’s ridiculous and unhelpful.

But beyond that, yes, I think generally divorce should be one of the last options after all other options have been tried. (Though of course that would not be the case in extreme instances, such as abuse, when the first action needs to be to get out and be safe).

My background is probably similar to yours, I was the only child of divorced parents and now have half or step siblings from later relationships my parents had. And I, like you, feel sometimes like I’m the forgotten one.

That doesn’t for a moment though mean that I wish my parents had stayed together. In some ways their divorce saved me. The arguments were awful (not violent) and they were fundamentally different people and I still don’t understand why they got together in the first place! They didn’t work and my life in a house with them together was unhappy. And they did the childcare part of divorce well. They protected me from a lot of it.

On the other hand, I know those of my parents generation that stayed together ‘for the kids’ and totally messed them up. Kids know. They feel if a house is an unhappy one, they know if their parents don’t want to be together.

Nowadays, with our financial mess, I know a few people who would be separated if they could afford to, but who still share a house because it’s their only option (at least as they can see). The kids will feel that. It must be awful for everyone.