AIBU to take my son's phone after he stole £20?

Personally I don’t think he needs to be punished but he does need to taught that stealing is wrong. Seriously! If he steals from you he might steal from others.

My DGD gets a £50 allowance per month and it is for her to manage it.

She has been getting it since she was 13, she is now 15. At first she would spend it as you would imagine a 13 year old would, but now she saves it. She does spend, but saving has given her more spending range and means she is less dependent on her parents and me for things she needs.

Up his allowance a bit and teach him that he must not steal. Encourage him to save also.

I give my 13 year old £50 a month but if she was doing something extra I’d give her more. This is for hanging out with friends / random makeup / maybe a new jumper sort of thing. She does loads around the house, keeps up at school and isn’t high maintenance at all so she almost never has more than this. Obviously I buy her clothes and anything she needs myself.

In this situation I’d stop the pocket money until he pays you back and have a proper chat about what sort of money he thinks he should be getting and what sort of responsibilities he should have now he’s getting older. My kids used to get a set amount of money but could earn more for doing extra - they still have to do their standard chores regardless though. Sometimes my son really wants a game of Lego set or whatever and he dusts the whole house etc.

I'd come down like an absolute ton of bricks about this. Make him know how it feels to not be trusted.

That if this ever happens again his credibility will be ruined and he'll be getting nothing but basic food from you.

Stealing from your mum is scum behaviour.

Dc didn't get pocket they just had money when they wanted it within reason.

DD14 gets £10 a week plus more if doing something in particular like cinema etc.

Well, it will certainly make him more careful next time he takes something that isn’t his

He does not need help cleaning his room!

I give her age in pouds a fortnight and have since she was small. It's pure fun money and through spending it on shite when small she leaned and now saves.

You need to talk to DH and DS and have a much better system!

I didn't have formal pocket money at that age and I used to steal. I assume my parents guessed but they didn't say anything. I stopped once i had a Saturday job and thus a guarenteed income

I bet my behaviour wasn't unique

I actually think this is terrible advice.

I was kept short of money as a child and so I used to steal from my parents. Instead of trying to understand why I did it, my dad marked some coins and left them around for me to take. I spent them in the local shop and the shopkeeper handed them back to my dad as evidence, which he then confronted me with. I was 7 ffs.

All that did was ensure that I was sneakier than ever when I took their money, and led to resentment that my parents had not once tried to understand my motives.

Why did you ignore the other money going?

Nip this in the bud now.

I once stole from family a mid teen (no I would never ever do it now) not an excuse at all ever, but my friends then were really bullies and they'd take all my cigarettes. I was addicted then and used my lunch money to buy them. Because they kept smoking them (I was soft back then and terrified of having no friends due to being bullied) I needed some more so I took some money. I started smoking to fit in with them all.

My mum found out and did the best thing possible. Drove me to a police station car park, threatened to take me in. I was absolutely terrified and denied it and begged. I was crying my eyes out but my word, what a lesson I learned. I would advocate anyone doing this as it worked on me.

I was never a bad child, actually I was a goodie two shoes and me doing that was the worst thing I had ever done as a teen.

I'm exceptionally honest now and would never do anything like that, obviously being an adult and mature!

I’d just withhold the pocket money until he’s paid it back.

I also think £4 a week is not very much (obviously if you can’t afford more then fair enough). But that’s separate - not having enough pocket money isn’t an excuse to just nick some more.

£4 a week is nowhere near enough for a 13 year old. That's your issue.

I think you really should have addressed this when you first knew that he was taking the odd £1 here and there. Why wouldn’t you?
I’d want to know why he’s taking the money and what is he spending it on?
Sit him down calmly. Ask him why and how he thinks he should pay it back. He’d be having to do chores to earn pocket money anyway really. Even if it’s just tidying his room/loading the dishwasher/washing up/setting the table etc. From a fairly young age, my children had to take it in turns to set the table and they still have to take it in turns to tidy the kitchen if I’ve cooked the dinner for them!

I'd keep back his pocket money to compensate as that is a direct consequence. And chores linked to money isn't a good idea, it makes them optional. I don't get paid to do housework, why should my kids. It's expected they do it, there's no debate about it. I'd also say £4 a week seems very little at that age.

Have you actually spoken to him?
This situation is all a bit silly, you let chores be optional, give him a tiny amount of money for his age and ignore him stealing… why?
Helping out in his own home shouldn’t be optional, he obviously needs to learn to be in the habit of doing chores as he grows up, and he realistically needs a bit more money than that if you can afford it, which you can because you are currently willing to give it if he does chores. Letting him grow up as a lazy thief is doing him a disservice.

Punishment would depend on his reaction for me, but you need a realistic system in place.

£4 a week is not enough for a 13yo boy, unless of course you genuinely cant afford to give him more.

He is stealing because he is short of money. I would speak to him and try to understand why he did it rather than go straight to punishments

Don’t know about you but it’s worked extremely well for DD. Does laundry, dishwasher, helps cook, deals with pets etc. No whining and she’s a saver.

I think you've dropped the ball somewhat in not pulling him up on the odd quid here and there.. however.

Pitch it like 'we are aware you've been taking the odd pound here and there and were waiting to see if you'd realise it was wrong and stop. Instead you've escalated it.

What would YOU want to happen if someone stole xxx from you?'

Put the ball back in his court, see what he says. Act based on that information.

He’s probably taking money because you only give him £16 a month.

Oh and chores aren’t linked to money. DD gets her age in pounds a fortnight and does chores because that’s what families do for each other. Linking chores and money IME makes it firstly a choice, and secondly a battle.

Same here and I give an allowance that means they have enough to get what kids their age usually need plus a bit extra so I can teach them how to save for long term things and how to donate to charity.

Chores are also required. There is no choice to not do them.

Instead of turning a blind eye to small amounts you should have been talking to him about what was going on.

Just confiscating his phone isn't enough. You need to discuss what is going on in his life and make sure he really understands that stealing is wrong, and not a solution.

I would investigate as to why he took the money, if he did take it. Are you sure no one else was in the house at all? Did he have a friend over? Do you have a babysitter? A cleaner?

I would see what the circumstances were before deciding an appropriate punishment and how to prevent it happening again.