My MIL very much wants to be the involved grandma who is asked to babysit our children (6 and 2) and DH is very keen for his mum to feel included and important as a grandmother, so we ask her to babysit. The problem is that whenever we actually do ask her, she doesn’t really do what we ask. It’s never anything catastrophic, but it’s consistently frustrating. She’ll keep our eldest up far too late because she doesn’t want to properly enforce bedtime, so we then get back an overtired, emotional child. She’ll let our toddler skip naps or completely ignore routines because she thinks “one day won’t hurt,” when of course it absolutely does when we’re then left dealing with the fallout. She also has a habit of giving treats, screen time, or freedoms we’ve specifically said no to, and generally treats our parenting preferences more like optional suggestions than actual instructions.
So instead of childcare genuinely helping us, it often creates more stress afterwards. Before anyone says “well, let DH deal with the aftermath then,” yes, he often does. But that doesn’t magically solve the issue. I’m still in the same house listening to overtired children screaming, struggling, and melting down, and I’m hardly going to sit there with my feet up while my kids are miserable just to prove a point. Their difficult evening still affects the whole household, regardless of whose “turn” it is to manage it.
The key point is that we are not remotely short on childcare. My side of the family help and actually respect our routines and boundaries (DH agrees that this is the case), and if needed we also have paid childcare options who, unsurprisingly, do exactly what we ask. So this isn’t about necessity at all. It’s much more that DH feels guilty because his mum clearly wants to feel needed, involved, and chosen, and he worries that not asking her more often will hurt her feelings. On Sunday we went out because apparently MIL was sad that she hadn’t been asked to babysit in a while, whereas my mum had been a lot recently. To me it felt almost like she hadn’t had her turn to play with the toys and is in a mood about it - they’re actual living humans!
Childcare isn’t a charitable role you hand out to preserve a grown adult’s sense of importance. She absolutely loves the children, and I’m not trying to cut her out or stop her seeing them, but I am increasingly struggling with the idea that we should knowingly make our own lives harder, and our children’s evenings harder, just to protect her feelings. Seeing them with us present apparently isn’t the same thing to her. AIBU to think that “wanting to feel included” isn’t enough reason to keep using someone for babysitting when they repeatedly ignore how you want your children cared for? And how do others navigate this without it becoming huge family drama, especially when your husband seems more focused on not upsetting his mother than on whether the childcare is actually helpful?