How to handle this

29 replies

Covermeinrainsrops · 13/05/2026 10:13

I have a 12 year DS from my first marriage and two 7 year old girls with my current DP.

DS sees dad eow but he has recently moved a bit further away and DS doesn't want to go for the whole weekend as he likes to see his friends etc so he is going two Saturday nights a month. His dad used to bring him to football once a week for me but when his new gf got pregnant and he told me he was moving I said that we would have to look at CSA payments as I knew moving further away he wouldn't be around to help out as much as he did (once a week to football as my DP works shifts and the football was at my DD bedtime). So we had an agreement that I wouldn't take full CSA if he did one football training a week (I did the other football training night).

Anway when I went to CSA it turns out he had been underpaying by £200 a month for the last 9 years...he told me that he wouldn't be doing football anymore for DS if I dared take the full CSA anyway I did so he is now being very very difficult about everything.

DS has summer exams starting and he is in grammar school so it is very full on- we got into an argument last night about his studying and he said how he would much rather live with his dad and his new gf and their baby as its nicer in their house. We both calmed down and we spoke and he said I don't do anything fun with him when he goes to his dads his dad does, he also said I shout and nag too much. I do shout a lot our house is very full on and the DD are a handful. I am a bit hurt that DS is thinking like this as I do everything for him and his sisters. Even when he is with his dad his dad won't give him any money for things so I have to send DS money if he wants something (because he pays CSA). His dad goes on numerous holiays a year with his GF we do one family holiday a year myself and my DP never go away just the two of us because we can't afford to. The children always come first. Obviously I can't say this to DS but I am just a bit disheartened that dad who does so little is seen as being the best. I asked DS would he prefer to live with his Dad full time and he said maybe eventually. How can I handle this? I do tell DS off about his school work and for these tests I am being hard on his to study as he has failed his last set of tests because he didn't study at all so I gave him the chance to be independent it didn't work so back to my rules about school.

OP posts:

sesquipedalian · 13/05/2026 11:16

OP, children’s loyalty to their own parents is just a fact of life. My DC tolerate my DH, (their stepfather) despite the fact that we’ve been together for almost 25 years and he was very good to them when they were growing up in terms of money/lifts/being accommodating/nit ever being drawn into arguments. They would acknowledge that their own father falls short in many ways (he never paid me a penny after our divorce - ran rings round the CMS) but that’s my fault for having married him and given him to them as a father! OP, I’m afraid you’ll just have it put up with it - you don’t have DC because you expect them to be grateful!
Oh, and don’t shout at your children - it doesn’t achieve anything, and just makes a bad atmosphere for everyone. Easier said than done, I know.

BarbiesDreamHome · 13/05/2026 10:56

I think I would try to cut through all the background stuff that ds isn't and shouldn't be aware of and focus on what he actually said: he wants more time with you. So make it happen. Not being funny but you do now have £200 a month more than you had before and the travel to and from football isn't going to cost that much so I do think you could take him out for lunch or something else of his choosing now and again.

Regarding moving in with his dad, I'd set out that the reality is unlikely to be better with a baby around but you'd be open to him working up to that if it's what he wants but all you ask is that he spends a few half terms there first to get a fuller picture and accepts that if he does move in then he will likely need to change schools so the timing for that would need fo ne discussed and agreed.

Eta: a few half terms there would probably 1. Show his dad making excuses for why it can't happen and 2. Let ds see for himself what it would be like in reality.

Newnamesarehard · 13/05/2026 10:51

And it's always wise to let your kid know the grass isn't always greener.

Weekend life is nothing like all week every week.

Newnamesarehard · 13/05/2026 10:49

Nothing you can do about it.

When I went through cms because whilst he was paying me every month, it was always late and I hated chasing it, it was almost embarrassing.

He ended up having to pay around £50 more a month, went from £630 which we'd agreed to £678. So he refused to do any more hair cuts or take them for their mcdonalds on his weekend.

But after around a year he's started to calm down a bit. Will buy them a take away and lets me use memberships to things hes paid for for his time.

Don't press it. You can't send your son to live with him over this surely

In the most polite way, you caused this. So now you have to find a way to deal with it. And open up a bank for your lad so you can keep an eye on his spending.

Unflip

1 2