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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

360 replies

ThisLimeBee · 12/05/2026 20:09

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

OP posts:
Mumsgirls · 12/05/2026 22:24

How sad. They appear to have no love or concern for you at all. Speaking as a very involved Grandma , it is hard to understand how they won’t help in those circumstances and thinks it is ok because she too was alone. I would actually want better for my daughter than I had. They will be moanig soon about not seeing the kids enough

Pearl69 · 12/05/2026 22:24

I so feel for you OP, if you were my daughter I’d be at your beck and call to support you. I don’t understand your mum at all and I’m sure you are considering your relationship and contact going forward.

Your colleagues sound lovely, I’m sure they’ve got the childcare covered and are excited for your new arrival. Best of luck OP, we d love to know how you are doing when your little one arrives safely.

Original poster
ThisLimeBee · 12/05/2026 22:23

Pistachiocake · 12/05/2026 22:11

Speak to your nursery-maybe they can advise about a nanny/qualified nursery nurse who will be willing to be on call? I know you said your husband has lost his parents (I'm so sorry, because I'd love you to have had good people to support), but does he have any other family eg siblings, grandparents who could help out just this time, even if you had to pay them, rather than have a woman who says you're not good at giving birth?
No one has the right to force a woman to have a CS, especially when a consultant seems to think you don't need one. There are usually more risks (yes, several medics have told me!) and a longer recovery, so unless you don't want to give birth naturally, how dare she say this?

I’ll definitely also speak to nursery, I’ve seen quite a few people here suggest this so I’m hoping it might be a fairly common thing that I can ask if they’d help with - unfortunately no siblings and grandparents no longer here, I know it’s awful as dh said so many times his mum would have adored being a grandma. I’ll also speak to my friends / colleagues who have offered to help, I’d ideally like to not be on my own if I can help it, and I know my husband wants to be there as well, of course ultimately my toddler comes first & if needs be my husband will be with him. I definitely don’t want a c section if my consultant isn’t advising it, I especially don’t want to have one purely for the reason of planning childcare which I don’t think would be very reliable anyway x

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 12/05/2026 22:21

I'm sorry your Mum is being that way. It's a perfectly normal request for your mum to help you in this situation. Take up the offers from your friends and build your village with people who aren't family because unfortunately she's just not the support she should be. I remember as a child having some children sleep over that I knew from school while their Mum had a baby, my Mum must have offered to help, and I would do the same for my friends/children's friends too.

TallMam · 12/05/2026 22:20

I really feel for you and I see that you do your best to try and justify your mum's quite awful behaviour!
It's ok to be upset or even angry because of it. You'd think it's such an enormous event, also for her, she should be willing to help out and be excited about it.
Does she want a front row seat when new baby is here? If so I'd be petty enough to tell her not to come around until you are all settled.
Best of luck for you and just focus on your own lovely little family.

CheeseyOnionPie · 12/05/2026 22:18

Wow. I’m pretty speechless. Who needs family like this? I’m afraid this would be the end of the relationship with my parents - if they’re not there to support you in times like this then they might as well be casual acquaintances, not family.

I would return this exact energy when they inevitably expect you to be there for them when they’re older and need help with things.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 12/05/2026 22:17

Would like to add that I had both mine by CS and the hospital wanted me out the next day!

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 12/05/2026 22:15

Against the grain here but if your parents work full time how can you expect them to drop everything and look after your other child ? Surely that’s your partner’s job?

Floppyearedlab · 12/05/2026 22:13

I can’t believe what I have just read
Not good at giving birth? Like it’s some sort of Olympic sport? Have an unnecessary C section?

Accept the offer from your friends or lovely boss to care for your child OP and DH comes home at night or when he can. A village sadly isn’t always family and you don’t need ‘help’ like that.

Pistachiocake · 12/05/2026 22:11

Speak to your nursery-maybe they can advise about a nanny/qualified nursery nurse who will be willing to be on call? I know you said your husband has lost his parents (I'm so sorry, because I'd love you to have had good people to support), but does he have any other family eg siblings, grandparents who could help out just this time, even if you had to pay them, rather than have a woman who says you're not good at giving birth?
No one has the right to force a woman to have a CS, especially when a consultant seems to think you don't need one. There are usually more risks (yes, several medics have told me!) and a longer recovery, so unless you don't want to give birth naturally, how dare she say this?

Birthstories · 12/05/2026 22:11

Could you ask your parents if they’d look after your son during the day or during the night but not both? Then someone else for the opposite time? I was in labour for days.

Franjipanl8r · 12/05/2026 22:10

When your parents are older and need care, I hope you tell them where to stuff their requests for help!

My dad came and stayed in our spare room when I went into labour and was then on hand to take DC to nursery while I gave birth. Could you up your DC’s nursery days around your due date and make up a spare room for someone?

Pinkelephant66 · 12/05/2026 22:10

And the mum of the year award goes to….

WonderingAndOverthinking · 12/05/2026 22:09

ThisLimeBee · 12/05/2026 21:08

My dad generally follows suit with my mums decisions, maybe they’re in full agreement I’m not sure, just always seems like what she says he does but I guess not being in their relationship you don’t truly know. I could imagine if I spoke to my dad privately he might try to push my mum to be open to having my toddler, but I also don’t want to beg & I mentally don’t want to have to prepare myself to potentially have this thrown back at me as a “favour” that was done for me.
My mum is sort of in the camp of “your kids your responsibility”. Which I do try to be mindful of in the sense of never asking them for anything & I agree he is my responsibility, not theirs but I physically cannot take my toddler to the hospital unfortunately.
I’ll definitely look into my colleagues/friends helping me out. X

Show quote history

Sorry but I’d be saying “your old age, your responsibility” in the future. Awful behaviour.

Original poster
ThisLimeBee · 12/05/2026 22:08

eatreadsleeprepeat · 12/05/2026 22:01

I find that a really strange attitude from your Mum. In a similar situation last year I asked my daughter if she would like us to be there for her toddler. It was a planned date thankfully as we are several hours away. We stayed in a nearby Airbnb, were able to help over the last couple of days and then have her toddler. We took him to the hospital to meet the new baby, we kept him till his parents came home and then we cleared out. They felt we had been useful and we felt immensely privileged to have been able to share that few days.
I am sorry you are not having your Mum’s support, I know it is her who will miss out but, unless there has been a falling out, the relationship between you two is unlike any other one.

No falling out, which maybe hurts more in a way as it’s not some sort of petty retaliation off the back of an argument but just how she feels naturally I guess. I know for my children, even though I’m looking far ahead as one of mine hasn’t even been born yet, I would do anything to be there for them in any situation but especially when it came to them needing childcare for going to have a baby. I’m grateful that I’ve had colleagues and friends offer since which is very kind

OP posts:
eatreadsleeprepeat · 12/05/2026 22:01

I find that a really strange attitude from your Mum. In a similar situation last year I asked my daughter if she would like us to be there for her toddler. It was a planned date thankfully as we are several hours away. We stayed in a nearby Airbnb, were able to help over the last couple of days and then have her toddler. We took him to the hospital to meet the new baby, we kept him till his parents came home and then we cleared out. They felt we had been useful and we felt immensely privileged to have been able to share that few days.
I am sorry you are not having your Mum’s support, I know it is her who will miss out but, unless there has been a falling out, the relationship between you two is unlike any other one.

BoarBrush · 12/05/2026 21:59

This is really sad, how uncaring. We were lucky we had fil staying at ours with dd2. With our twins, dhs best pal, a retained fireman offered to help with the girls. Was at my house in 3 mins at 3am (massive haemorrhage), and roped in other girl friends later in the morning to help get the girls dressed etc for school/nursery as he didn't have kids by this point, before my mum could get there. Absolutely legend.

Tryagain26 · 12/05/2026 21:57

My DD lived 5 hours away when her children were born i took unpaid leave to make sure i was there to look after my eldest grandchild when her sibling was born. I would expect most mothers to do everything they could to be there for their child. I'm sorry your parents are not being helpful.

MummyJ36 · 12/05/2026 21:55

Your parents are awful and I hope there isn’t a time in the future where they really need your help and support because I wouldn’t blame you for telling them that you’d rather not inconvenience yourself.

ThatMintMember · 12/05/2026 21:52

That's really awful OP. Childcare during childbirth worries me too as the only help we have is from nursery, no one else really watches DS. I've mentioned this concern to a couple of friends and they both instantly offered to help if needed despite having very young children themselves.

I'm pregnant and haven't got a plan yet but my own mother will likely be on holiday at the time, we don't have a relationship with MIL so really hoping my dad and his partner are willing!

I would literally watch anyone's child while they were in labour if needed!

Jibaka · 12/05/2026 21:52

What a fucking horrible bitch your mum is.

Swissmeringue · 12/05/2026 21:51

ThisLimeBee · 12/05/2026 21:36

Thank you everyone for your comments, I think I’m going to have to take up my friends / colleagues really kind offers of help. And I really appreciate anyone here offering help, unfortunately I’m not local to any of those areas however really shows how kind people are. I think ultimately I wanted some kind of reassurance when the time comes I can rely on my parents as physically it wouldn’t be logistically difficult to have my toddler (with having A/L, employers flexible) of course it’s not ideal but it’s a one off I’m not going to be giving birth every other week and asking them for help. It’s just proved to be mentally difficult for them to have him, but I need to try to move forward from that emotionally myself & keep it in mind. Flowers

I'm really sorry your parents are such a massive let down op. We had exactly the same situation when we had our second. My mum isn't well enough to have a toddler by herself, my brother doesn't live in the UK, so we asked my in-laws for help. My mil (who has 6 sisters, who provided her with plentiful childcare when her kids were young) informed us we'd just have to make do and that DH didn't "have" to be there. DD stayed with some friends in the end, but I've never forgotten how badly mil and fil let us down. Sounds like you've got a decent support network, it just isn't your family. So lean into those who are willing to help and create your own village.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 12/05/2026 21:50

Ask a neighbour or a friend, befriend a responsible local student who’ll be available at the drop
of a hat, ask them to do a few babysitting sessions prior to your labour. It will work out.
Best of luck. The second always comes easier than the first, quicker too.

youalright · 12/05/2026 21:49

MyballsareSandy2015 · 12/05/2026 21:46

Bloody hell I’d get up in the night to look after a neighbours kid that I barely know if his mum was giving birth. She sounds awful OP, how hurtful.

Same, I think most people would

patooties · 12/05/2026 21:48

Honestly - I think that would be it for me with them. Completely selfish. Make your own urban family