AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

My DM is firmly in the “no childcare” club. She has never babysat for me or my DSis. She moans about the noise and the mess when we visit. I don’t think she really likes kids and I think she probably sometimes wished she hadn’t had any. However, she has never said this to us (wtf is wrong with your mum saying that to you?) and she offered to help with all of our labours in any way she could including looking after our firstborns when we were having our second babies.

Of course it’s not convenient! Birth is so terribly inconvenient 😂 but usually you help your loved ones even if it isn’t entirely convenient for you to do so.

It’s good you have people who have offered and I would accept their help. I would distance myself from my DM in your position.

I would remember this and if your parents ever need help I would be saying no.

Yes you can guarantee when they get old they will need you and will ask as did my absent parents. Of course I do help because Im not a twat but resentment lingers.

I’m so sorry you can’t get the help from your parents. It doesn’t seem much to ask does it.
I’d be remembering this outright refusal to help in the future if and when they need help.

Not unreasonable at all! I live 200 miles (around 3-4hrs depending on traffic) from my family, as soon as I went into labour my mum was in the car driving so she could get my eldest from school!

Because you're "no good at giving birth".....?!

Fuck that shit. I'm fuming for you. Not like you could have prevented haemorrhaging if you'd tried a bit harder or revised more. She should be desperate to help take worries and practical concerns away from you for the exact reason you had a difficult first birth, not encouraging you to have a Csec and standing back with her hands in the air!! What an absolute COWBAG. She doesn't deserve the nice bits of being a Grandmother if she can't be arsed doing to decent bits of being a Mum.

Absolutely this! I would actively start researching babysitters now. See if there are any agencies nearby. Does you toddler go to a playgroup? When mine were little I asked at their preschool and found an absolute angel who looked after my children for years. I wouldn't be in a rush to bring you new babay to seee tham either. They reap what they sow and are obviously not interested!

Think your Mum is being very unreasonable and very selfish.She sounds a completely miserable person.Does she not realise the joy family and especially grandchildren could be bringing to her life.
Your not asking her to babysit for a night out!!!
I d be having a very firm word with her and think about alternate arrangements. Let everyone know ( her own friends and siblings) about her attitude.
It s pretty disgusting behaviour in her part tbh.
Her work would more than likely allow her a day off at short notice in the circumstances.
I wouldn t be paying her either.
She needs a lecture on responsibility within the family; remember this when she s looking for you all to spend 'quality time' at holiday times with her.

How old is your teen brother?does he still go to school or college?

I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive in your time of need. Have you got a close friend who could help out with your toddler. Most people are happy to help out if they can at times like this. Whatever happens look after yourself. You and your husband can get through this as a team.

You're not unreasonable to ask and your mum unfortunately does sound quite uninterested and dismissive of your support needs. I do understand a little that both of your parents still work full time mine. I wouldn't expect her to exclusively put aside any annual leave but surely work may understand a little if she were needed in an emergency for her own daughter. Could you not ask a friend to help do you have any mum friends at the nursery your little one attends who would help possibly?

I think that you were right in asking your mother to look after your toddler when you give birth. You want your husband there with you. She said no to this but told you to have a section as it would be easier to plan things. The reality is that if you have a section your in hospital longer, it takes more time to recover, you can't lift for a while after this and you can't drive for a few weeks either.
I would follow medical advice in regards to having a section.

To be honest your mother sounds horrible. It not like you expect full time free childcare but you need help for a few days then. I would ask a friend to help you out with this. I would also work on building up your own network of friends that can help you out in the future.

I have a friend with a mother similar to yours. My friend had to listen to her moan anytime she asked her to babysit. This might be just once every 6 months and it was when she could only bring one child to a medical appointment ect.
My friend built up a good network of friends and have helped each other over the past few years. My friend went back to PT work 18 months ago. She got a better job with more hours and money 6 months ago.
Her mother is now older and is beginning to need occasional help. My friend has decided that she will help her mother out only if and when it suits her. Another sibling has started to say no to there mother also because of her behaviour.

Her mother has had years of putting herself and her needs first. My friend sees the older people that are getting help now are the ones that helped out there adult kids in the past and made an effort to see grandkids when they were kids. Now they have help, support and adult grandkids calling.

I think it’s also more that the annual leave can’t be planned in advance or for how long

Exactly! I would help people I hardly know and use my annual leave. I don't understand how any parents could leave their child in the lurch like this. I would definitely be reconsidering my relationship with my parents.

When my daughter in law asked me to have the children while she gave birth I jumped at the chance and I missed work and my boss (DH) also missed work as he didn't want to miss looking after the grandchildren, that meant we had to pay our staff for a day off, but we were the first to meet the new baby each time as obviously the siblings had to go first and as we were looking after them 😁
Also Dil has never had her mum look after the GC overnight ever but her mum regularly has her other gc stay, it really isn't nice, but now we always get an invite to birthdays etc and the GC always phone us for lifts or if they want to stay over or even go on a dog walk. Your mum is going to miss out on that special bond but that it her right as she might not want it, how was she as a mother?

Goodness, I've read some cold comments on here but your mother's are amongst the worst.
You know where you stand with her now so you look out for yourself and your family from now on and sod your parents.
I don't think I'd even let them know I'd given birth straight away. Low contact from now on, they can forget the fortnightly visits. They will have to reap what they sow.
You sound like a lovely, understanding person so I assume it's going to be difficult for you to do this but I think you'll feel better and stronger if you slowly withdraw from them.

In this situation I think your parents should have mentioned to their employers that they may need a few days of last minute leave are you were pregnant and give due date. I’d hope most employers would understand in these circumstances. It’s only a few days and it sounds like they have leave. Good luck with your baby!🤞

I had my friends little one whilst she had her second baby. Her mum is useless and she didn’t feel safe relying on her. Could you ask a friend? Or even ask one of your son’s nursery workers if you could pay for their time to have him? At least that way he’d be with someone who knows him?

I helped a friend (friend A) out looking after her older child when she went into labour (her parents lived miles away and worked so not easy to drop everything and get there in time). Friend’s labour went on for a few days, stopping and starting. Friend B was first on the list as their child was best friends with A’s child at preschool and had been to their house a number of times. But B wasn’t available when A went into labour, so I was called upon to help out, once friend B was available we swapped.

Good to have a number of people you can call upon

I would take a friend up on their offer and after the birth put your efforts into building strong friendships. I'd pull back from spending as much time with your parents and use that time and energy to build a support network of friends.
There are always going to be times when you need people to rely on and you know now your parents aren't those people
If it helps the first 2 people I'd call in that situation would be friends

My mother was very similar when I asked her to help me around the birth of my second child. “Maybe if you could tell me the exact dates I’ll be needed”. “Yes, if I’m not on holiday at the time (nothing planned but she might decide to take a 3 week holiday at the end of January, she just wasn’t sure yet)” And like your mum, OP, children had ruined her life, so if she could turn back time … Our childminder came and watched our older child while I gave birth in the end.
this was 34 years ago. Now, at the age of 86, she bitches about her brother, who is unwell, but all 3 of his kids and all 10 of his grandkids visit frequently and help out. She can’t understand why no one visits her and helps her ….
You do the maths, mum.

I was in the same situation and it was extremely stressful. Luckily I ended up going into labour early on a weekday morning, so DD went to nursery and was picked up by a friend. I then left hospital around 8pm and went to get her.

It’s so difficult to arrange childcare when you don’t know when labour will begin! I would start with any other local families with kids the same age as they will understand your predicament.

I still can’t quite believe my mother’s refusal to help and I must say our relationship has never recovered.

I agree her attitude sounds sad, but also most people regardless of how ‘sympathetic’ their employers are can’t just fuck off from work at a moment’s notice for something like that. Not nice of her to not volunteer to help if you give birth at the weekend though.

I imagine this will be an increasing problem as people give birth later and their parents are still working.

The issue is the unplanned and unexpected nature of it. You will expecting your mum (and dad to drive her) to drop everything at any point of time to come to yours. This could happen while she is at work, so she would then need to call your dad and wake him up, get him to collect her from work and then go to yours. Or if at night, you are waking your mum, she still needs to call dad who is at work and then he needs to come home and drop her at yours. Can he just walk out of his factory shift?

You then have the possibility of you get to hospital and they say it's too soon, no space for you, you aren't far enough along and would be better in your own home so you get sent back. Your parents then are left hanging around waiting for something that may still not happen that day.
You mention a difficult birth previously so what are your expectations regarding your partner staying after the birth? How long were you in hospital for previously? Again your mum might be reluctant as she doesn't want to be trapped.

You don't have to have a C section but it was the best thing I did. There were medical reasons but it was convenient as we dropped son off at nursery before going to the hospital. He only did mornings so my parents did collect him around 1 but if needed we could have booked him in the whole day til 6. I had the baby around lunchtime. Partner stayed til around 4 so he could go relieve my parents and give son his tea. He came with baby next morning to visit and as I could go home with baby that afternoon came back after going home to feed son his lunch.