AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

Oh OP I do feel for you. I'm in a very similar situation, young child and DH's family are in a different country. My parents refuse to do any childcare. DD is in nursery full time so I don't ask for anything really, but on the few odd occasions where its been an emergency its been a flat - no we don't want to. I keep them at arms length because if they don't want to support me then I don't want to support them.

If she had so much help with childcare is it possible she struggled with being a mum and doesn’t really cope with children

That is strange that she had so much help with childcare but doesn't want to now help out. However maybe her own mother said how much she resented it and she didn't enjoy having to do it.

I think you and your husband need to plan now for different eventualities.
While you have friends and colleagues offering to help, do be aware some might just be saying happy to help as it seems the polite/right thing to say (same as when people say let me know if I can do anything....they generally don't want to be asked but it's the norm to say it).

You have said your mum will help if you go into labour on the weekend so that's sorted.

You need to think what happens if it happens at night. Might you need to go to hospital alone, as will any friend really be willing to go to yours in the middle of the night and leave their own child if they have one? There is also the impact on their own childcare e.g. I am sure my husband would be pretty annoyed if I said I was on call to help Sally and he would then need to sort out our own kids, needing to take time off work to do the school runs. So there is a knock on effect depending on who helps.

There is also the length of time. Some of these happy to helps, might be fine if you called in the morning and came for a few hours, but what happens if you are still in labour and they want to leave? You are potentially expecting them to have your toddler multiple days. Would a rota between friends work so you know that one would have in the morning and someone else take over night?

I would also want to prepare the toddler. It could be quite scary to wake in the night and find a stranger in the house. So will you be spending time with the potential helpers so they know them and recognise them.

You also mention nursery staff helping out, again this will surely all depend on timing. If they are up in the night with your child, will they then have your child booked into nursery that day to take with them?

I think you and your husband now need to piece together plans for different scenarios.

That is really cold of your parents and I find their attitude quite shocking and saddening. You deserve better and are not unreasonable to expect more. My family is by no means perfect, but doing this has always gone without saying. My second grandchild is on the way and I’ll take leave when needed to have my GD. Do you have a friend who could help with childcare? I’m pretty sure they would be happy to in the circumstances - as I know I would for any of my group. If not, is it worth looking into having a doula support you during the birth?

So her own parents provided full-time childcare for her, did I read that right? And she won’t help you out once to give birth? There’s probably no point in pressing it further, your mum is a self-centred, selfish woman. If she stays true to type she will absolutely think you should help her when she needs it, and won’t see the hypocrisy at all.

Hope your labour goes smoothly and you find someone lovely to help look after your son.
Your mum's reaction seems totally alien to me but obviously everyone is different.
Think of it as a positive that your parents were so direct about it. I wouldn't want to leave my child with people who didn't want them.
It seem like a terrible shame that they don't want to be part of what sounds like a lovely family. I really hope you find some kinder people who do.

I’m sorry. That sounds so hurtful. I hardly ever see my mum has she has prioritised her second husband; I see her every 1-2 years. When I told her this upset me, she said ‘well at least you have your mother-in-law.’ It’s horrible. Best of luck with your baby and birth.

It's a strange response and one that must really hurt I'm sure, but in a bid to see the other side, if your parents are still working and your dad works nights I can see why they might feel reluctant to commit to helping you... it's difficult to book annual leave when you don't know what the dates would be and if you might have an extended time in hospital if there's a repeat of the problems you had the first time. To them It probably felt like a reasonable thing to say. I'm sorry you're left in this situation but I would be asking around friends (or siblings?) to see if anyone else can help. Good luck!

How unsupportive of her, does she exepect you to look after her in her old age?!

Dearly wish my Mum had been around when I was pregnant etc but she died 10 years before, and even though I had the support of my husband and his family there's nothing quite like your own Mum is there?

Best of luck with everything whatever happens 😘

Do you know what your mum's relationship is like with her mum (your grandma)? Has she been around while you & your brother have been growing up? Sometimes the answers are somewhere in there - also your dad's parents - have they been around?

It's sad - your mum & dad will have their reasons not to be involved but if they gave you an explanation as to why and it was honest then you might be able to accept it and reframe the whole thing. All they've done is said no and left you wondering.

Has your mum changed towards you since you got married or since your little boy came along, or is she the same as always?

I really don’t understand people! I’m so sorry for you, how hard is it to help when help is needed? I loved looking after my 2 grandchildren when their sister was born. They were worried about their mum I could comfort them and celebrate with them when she was finally born at 3 in the morning. It was an unforgettable joyous moment for all of us to share.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I'm sorry your mother has responded like this. Childbirth/post partum is one of the most vulnerable times of a woman's life and it's such a shame your mum isn't thinking of you as a priority.

As others have suggested, it's probably worth making childcare arrangements with supportive friends or other supportive relatives, if you have them. If you can afford a night nurse or a post partum doula that's also worth looking into.

Wishing you all the best 🫂

I asked my HR if I could have family leave when my DD1 had an planned CS (very similar first birth to yours and it ended in emergency cs) I looked after my DGD7 for more than a week as baby was in nicu and DD1 stayed in hospital. I have been taking DGD to school for 3 months and been on standby for any help needed, my absolute pleasure. I also work full-time.
It is unfortunate that your Mum doesn't really want to help, I hope you find someone reliable help you and wish you all the best.

I'm sorry op. Your mum sounds horrible. Your asking for the one off while you give birth. 😮‍💨 It's not asking alot. Maybe ask on your local Facebook group for a childminder or something.
Anyway when your mum and dad is older and need help I hope you don't do anything for them. We did everything for my granny as she helped us as kids and we had that close bond. It works both ways. 🤷 She'll be asking for your help soon enough.

For example they asked my husband to pick them up from an event gone midnight after a full days work for my husband, to which he didn’t even second guess agreeing.

I wouldn’t be doing them any favours anymore. With two small kids, you have good reasons not to be at their beck and call.

Also, don’t arrange your weekends to suit them, prioritise your own family now.

Do you have a friend or another relative who could help out?

I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my 2 year old while I gave birth, so I planned a home birth. Appreciate that might not be an option for you, given your previous experience. A friend had offered to take my toddler if it was during the daytime, but her son had D&V that weekend, so she couldn't. If I'd had to transfer to hospital, DH would have had to stay with DD and I'd have given birth alone. Fortunately, it worked out.

Can you ask a friend and then go vlc?

Jesus.... your mother is stone. cold.

Haven't rtft im sure you'll get no one owes you anything... but its her child and grandchild and its 48hrs max...

Imo that isnt love and it isnt family.

I would be very low contact and I'd absolutely drop the rope in terms of maintaining contact / visiting her / facilitating access to my child.

Based on your description of how she treats your oldest I'd def be restricting that contact too. You dont need to tell kids how amazing they are... but that kind of perma-criticism is very damaging

I’m so very sorry you have such an unhelpful parents. Their lack of willingness to offer help to you and your little one at this critical time will not endear you to them or encourage closeness going forward….well it wouldn’t if it were me!

I hope a solution to your childcare situation is found very quickly. What’s so sad, is, that’s it’s a problem you shouldn’t be worrying over if your parents were more supportive.

Your mother sounds incredibly unfeeling and unkind. This is an extenuating circumstance and it is also the birth of her grandchild. To refuse to offer support when you need it the most and to respond in such a dismissive way is truly terrible.

I would limit contact with her going forward if this is how she feels she can treat you. I'd also accept her answer as a hard no and set up other care in advance. You will need it and she has made it clear she doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

This is very much a prompt to look outwards and elsewhere. It's sad you don't have that (grandparents who will help and see this as a big event) -- we didn't either and I don't say that to minimise. It's sad.

Our firstborn was with friends who also had kids, for his one and only sleepover till he was much older. We had his childminder on standby to provide an overnight stay if that hadn't worked out. The last resort was for me to give birth alone (it happens).

Your support network may not be in place yet but hopefully in future you will bond with other families who will be ideal because your kids will love each other and they will understand their needs. You will offer mutual help. And if that isn't yet in place for the birth, put money aside for a paid solution you are happy with, or ask a childless friend.

J ust tell your Mum unless you go privately there us no facility for an elective C-section on the NHS, they decide on a case by case basis- thry might factor bin what you want- but you can't push them to give you a C-section, what mother wants you to have such major surgery for her conveniences sake?
I would find a friend to take your toddler and go very low contact with your parents.

You have two full time working adults who still have a child living at home. While he might be 18 even you say he is still at school, so still their responsibility

I'm a mum of an 18 year old...the idea that the arduous task of 'looking after' an 18 year old means you would be unable to look after a small child for one day is just laughable