AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

And people wonder why some people who find themselves in care homes in later life have no visitors?

I'd be upset if my Son & his wife didn't ask me to have my Grandson when DIL goes in to labour & to hospital to give birth. I want them relaxed & not stressing about childcare so have offered to have him day or night & baby isn't due til the end of the year but I wanted them to know it's sorted & one less thing to worry about. Your Mum doesn't owe you anything however, I think she's being very selfish when you've asked her. Why would she not want to make things less stressful for you? Does she have history for being awkward with you?

Wow! I am sorry but that is horrible of your parents. I wish I could have another time where I could child-sit.
Unless there is a backstory here, I would make sure you remember this so when your parents get older and need help, you can return the lack of favor.

When I read these stories, it reminds me, yet again, how blessed I was to have my Mom do SO much for me when I had each of my two. I hope she knew how appreciated she was.

I suppose these days it's a bit of a lottery - relationships with family & friends can be 'all' one minute and 'nothing' the next (all or nothing) or it's about expectations not being met, overstepping, intruding, taking or being taken for granted, yes or no. Without knowing each other inside out & having conversations where both parties are totally honest with each other there's always the unspoken hanging around.

From what you've said it sounds like 'our house, your house' where everything is kept separate. I understand that mum & dad work opposite shifts, lots of couples do this. Now that DB is 18 he'll be semi -independent, but still at home. How the dynamics work at theirs isn't really anyone else's business but mum & dad might want some time to have their own life now 'the kids' are grown up - that's just an observation btw. If mum worked part time or they were both retired maybe things could be different but if they're unwilling or unable to help there might be reasons or there might have been decisions made already. I'm really sorry you're in this predicament but your little family are all that matters so put them first xx

@Isthisthisreallife I had complications during birth of DC. DH advocated for me throughout as I was in no fit state. I would not have wanted him to miss being there for the birth of his child either. My mum lived miles away, labour was very quick and and started at 3am. No way would my DM have got there in time even if I had wanted her to be there (just wanted DH)

It’s not nice. You will probably have to tell her that you will find someone else because you need a firm plan. But in those specific circumstances it’s a crap response.

I don’t see how you can say ‘it’s not natural’ based on your experience and feelings alone. There are millions of women who would disagree with you, me included. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it without my husband and men also want to be there for the birth of THEIR child. What a ridiculous view to have

Re Partners present at birth. It is not natural. I did not want my partner there. While waiting to go into the delivery room I was in a room with 3 others with partners. I was being checked every 20 minutes or so and to see how far I had dilated. Also had an enema. I had to insist these men leave the room each time.Nurse thought curtains would be sufficient to protect my privacy. Giving birth should not be a spectacle. If you really need support ask your mum friend or sister

This makes me so sad. When I went into labour in the middle of the night, my DM came and stayed with my first born and was very hands on and loved having them overnight. I'd love to be the same with my own GC's

Your Mum sounds mean and uncaring. I went down for a week to look after my DD and elder dogs when she gave birth to her youngest ds and I left her with a freezer full of meals she could just pull out of or the following week or 2.

When my friend had her youngest I looked after her daughter who was about 3 at the time, it was about a week before my wedding so I’d agreed to provide childcare as long as I wasn’t at my wedding or honeymoon!, worked out perfectly as she was a few weeks early.
But her parents couldn’t have had a child due to health, and in laws lived too far away as her labours were VERY quick!!
So she literally called me, dropped DD with me and went straight to hospital.
There must be someone else you can ask?? Most friends would have a child under these circumstances for you.

As for your mum, she sounds very unsupportive and because she didn’t have help she’s not helping you… horrible in my opinion but that’s up to her I guess….
Personally I’d ask someone else and if you give birth on a Monday tell her as she’s busy all week and in the evenings she can see baby the weekend!!

Also you know what to say next time she needs help!!

Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and scary times in a woman’s life. She has the right to want supporting through it by the person she chose to do life with.
You seem like a vile human

Sorry you’ve been met with this. Your mum sounds very similar to mine and it sucks! But I do think if we had no other option, she would have helped out… begrudgingly.
My MiL came to have our eldest at 2am when I went to labour without a single complaint. I also just can’t understand how a parent wouldn’t want to help in anyway in their child’s times of need! I know what kind of grandparent I don’t want to be for sure. Definitely lean on those who have offered help, hope it all works out for you.

That is awful. Something similar happened with a friend who's mother pulled out at the last minute and went away for a few days when my friend was due. Their relationship has never recovered.

How unkind of her. I'm sure you'll remember it when she's elderly, you're running round after 2 kids, and she needs help.

This isn’t true. I had an elective c section due to maternal choice for my first, due to safety concerns around standards of care in natural birth in the hospital I was booked to. The 2022 Ockenden recommendations support a woman’s right to make informed choices.

My MIL got in the car and drove 4 hours (240 miles) within 20 minutes of my waters breaking to watch the dog incase we were in a while. You are not being unreasonable and I’m so sorry!

Apologies if this has already been mentioned and discounted, I haven’t read the full thread.

Would you consider a home birth?

Gross statement. Seriously read the room

She wants him at the birth with her, guess you sing off the same hymn sheet as her mum

So sorry op that is a pretty mean response tbh. The childcare issue is completely separate imo if she is working and doesn't want to offer childcare fine but minding her grandchild while you are in hospital having another baby is surely a given? Yes birth is unpredictable but I am sure her employer would understand if she gives them the heads up on what is happening. I have 3 kids and my mum was on hand to mind the others when I was in labour. She had an overnight bag ready, phone by her bed and there was a bed made up at ours in case we needed her in the middle of the night. My mum doesn't drive so my dad was also needed to drop her over so made sure he didn't have anything to drink in the two weeks before I was due.

I would find your mums response very upsetting tbh, can't believe she would be happy for you to give birth alone or push for an unnecessary c-section instead of just minding her grandchild

You mentioned a husband why doesn't he help sort it u wanted the children

It isn't a big ask. It is quite a normal request. On the plus side, they've highlighted how they view the relationship. Which means you're off the hook if they need support in their old age.

A Mother's reaction to her daughter having children can vary hugely, and can change.
My mother hates children and always drummed it into me not to have any, and that if I did I would be on my own because she wouldn't want to be involved at all.
By the time I was 40, however, her life had changed -she had retired and she literally begged me to have a child because she wanted to be involved.
Naturally I didn't have a child- she could easily have changed her mind again and I had no real wish to be a parent.
I would ask your mother directly what her problem is, most grandparents are happy to help out- so she needs to explain herself.

My mum lived TWO DOORS DOWN from me when I was having DC 3. She had 2yo DS for an hour then brought him back as he wanted mummy and was crying. I was having a home birth and in active labour! Had to call my friend to come and put him to bed in the house!
mind blowing