To feel my life as a step mum was completely thankless?

This is a sad situation for everyone involved, most of all for the boy.
You raised the boy for his entire childhood and he’s walked away from you. That must be incredibly painful for you. He seems to blame you, while you are blaming his mother, none of you seem to place any responsibility with the father, who got a child pregnant, walked away and got together with another 16 year old.

Playing devils advocate here, the mother had her baby at 16, presumably she got pregnant at 15, she was a child. Her “boyfriend” walked away from her and the newborn and got together with someone else. She struggled to cope. She “unofficially” gave the baby to you and his father, you just went along with this. What help was arranged for her to help her cope? Any mental health support? Practical support? Financial support? How involved did the father get during the week? Where were her parents? She was a 16 year old struggling to cope and everyone blamed her. After this, how much effort did you and your partner make to include her in parenting choices, schooling, anything? I wonder if you both just found it easier to close her off. She then became a victim of domestic abuse in another relationship. She must have only been early 20s still, very young. Again, who helped her? Where were her own parents in all of this? Social services? She finally found stability in a good relationship and wanted to build a good relationship with her son.

I feel sad for you and I hope you can rebuild a relationship with the boy, but in all honesty I have a lot of sympathy for his mother. I suspect the portrayal you’ve given of her walking away and not wanting involvement is not a fair representation of how events played out. The father is a dud who doesn’t deserve sympathy.

Yes it is easier to think that your parent didnt reject you.

For a long time, i thought that my mother stopped my father from seeing me. As that is what he told me on the few occasions that I saw him

When i got older, I had to accept there was another worse possibe truth, which was that - he just didn't want to see me. He wanted a selfish easy life.

I would forgive your step son. The adults are are going to lie to the child about what happened, to make themselves look good. They are not going to say "i didnt want you at the time"

I grew up as a child in similiar circumstances. My mum and dad broke up. My dad met a new woman.

My dad said my mum took us children away from him and refused to let him see us.

My mum said that my dad refused to see us.

To this day, I still have no idea what is the truth. Both of them told me different stories. Both of them told me a story that makes them look like the good person. I have no idea what actually happened

Ultimately the harsh truth is that step children want their biological parent and as a step parent you are support. You have taken on Parenting and crossed the line. Where is dad in this backing you up correcting his mother’s lies. All you can do is tell him in the truth and hope he sees the truth one day.

Obviously it's painful and you have raised him too. TBH though I'm quite surprised you took on parenting a step child at just 18yrs and followed through with doing all the school runs etc... My daughter is 18yrs and I would be horrified if someone else dumped there child on her at that age including a partner.

However I'm also a single parent have always added details of there other parent on to there school record so I do think school should of at least known who she is to be able to send her school reports etc. That's quite normal.

What doesn't make sense about her version of events is if someone tried to stop me seeing my child I would fight tooth and nail, go through the courts, do everything possible.

He's doing a lot of mental gymnastics to line everything up and accept her ridiculous stories.

The wound of having your mother reject you for so many years runs very deep and I imagine he wants to feel loved and wanted by his mother, to the detriment of the truth and relationships with anyone else.

He's young and won't understand this drive right now but maybe he will when he's older.

It is sad and unfair on you but all you can do is remain open to him connecting with you again in the future.

How much older than you was your partner, who was getting together with multiple sixteen year olds…?

Why on earth are you still with your lazy usless 'partner'?

Of course he would rather believe you got in the way than that he was abandoned by his shitty mum. I'm sorry for the pain she has caused you.

Read this post lots of times as it makes so much sense.
I personally would be incredibly hurt.
I wonder why you stay with your DH. You are still young and could have a whole better life if you want to.

She should have been on the school records, I think that it was unfair for her not to be because she was a ‘weekend mum’. ‘Weekend dads’ are still on school contact lists. However, all she would have needed to do was contact them herself and request that. She chose not to do that for 13 years. Fault on both sides, but mostly hers.

Similarly, she could have got shared custody at any point over the years - as his mother, if she was as good as he thinks she was, she’d never have been refused.

I would also write to him outlining my side, trying not to disparage his mother too much - focus on basic facts - but do point out how young you all were and that everyone was doing their best at the time.

Finally, your ‘D’P is a waste of space and I hope you don’t waste more of your life catering to him.

Write a letter to the young man outlining your side of the story then walk away from all of it with your head held high and put yourself first

I think you need to do some fact checking with your DP and his parents, assuming they were involved at the time as you were both only 16.

Did the mum ask for her son to be returned to her but they refused? If so, did they allow her to think it was you stopping it?

I just think it strange that she’s insistent she wanted him back, and so there might be more to it.

Exactly. Is the stuff she said about him true? Has he worked? Does he back you? Was he a good dad?

He should be fighting this and fighting for his son!

I think when he grows up (particularly when he has his own children) he’s going to realise she’s a good parent to those children because she had them at a time when she felt more stable but was very young when he was born and unable to adequately care for him. This will also make him understand how much you did for him when you really didn’t have to.

I will say though in response to this that it might have been nice to send her some information about school events…

I don't think many children appreciate their mothers until they have children of their own and see what a slog it is so you might have a long wait but he will surely come round to understanding more when he is older.

He will wonder why he only saw his DM at his grandparent's - that's pretty odd.

This isn’t your DSS’s fault though, she’s clearly a very broken person and manipulative as hell. He’s naturally going to side with her right now because he’s young and didn’t see her much growing up (wasn’t privy to her dysfunctions). In his mind, she’s his mum and he naturally wants to defend her.

It’s also complicated by the fact they were both so young when he was born. I think when he gets a bit older he’s going to realise what you actually took on at such a young age. You obviously did not have to do this and he’ll be grateful one day.

YANBU for being upset & angry.
YABU for expecting this situation to finish up any differently.

You've just given 20 years to servicing someone else's parental responsibility. Your partner should have done more & should still be doing more. Have you got anything of your own (house, savings, pension) to show for the last 20 years? Or have you given absolutely everything to that man?

I've voted YABU, because this has nothing to do with your stepson. He was unfortunate enough to be born to two useless parents, and is understandably struggling emotionally now. You've decided, bafflingly, to spend 23 years with someone who by all accounts is a totally useless dad (left you to raise his child) and parent (has not supported you). You're an adult with agency who chose to be and stay in this relationship - own your choices.

Your DP sounds like a complete charmer.

This is incredibly sad. How are you actually feeling? Have you loved him as a son? In which case it would be an utter blow.
You mentioned potentially writing her an email. You will gain nothing from that as she wants to paint you as the villain. I wonder if your better bet is carefully thinking about and crafting a letter to your stepson, spelling out some of the facts, including that you were 16 yourself, without blaming your partner and his biological mum, spell out how you couldn’t make them do more than they were already doing and how unfair it is to get the blame but you loved him and gladly did what you thought you should do for a very vulnerable little boy

Where is DP in all this?

He needs to believe this (for now) because the alternative is accepting that his mum was capable of being a good mum, but abandoned him and chose to do it for his siblings. He's at an age where it's natural to question and push back against our parents (ie you and DH who raised him)
I'm really sorry you're going through this, though I genuinely feel if you leave the door open, and try and contact him from time to time to let him know that you're there, that he will see through this in a few years time.

I’d say children want to believe some things so badly that they make them
fit a certain way in their head, sorry op x If it helps I was talking to a group of mums of teens and young adults today, all on the floor exhausted all wondering how it’s all so thankless except for the odd surprising thank you!

You didn't do it for thanks or appreciation though, did you? You did it because there was a child who needed looking after and his biological parents wouldn't or couldn't do an adequate job. What choice did you really have? Pass him along to the grandparents? Leave him to his dad, and cross your fingers he got picked up by social services before anything terrible happened?

So it doesn't matter what he or his birth mother have to say about it now. Given the choice between believing that his mother abandoned him as a toddler or that she was kept away by the wicked stepmother, he was always going to go with the latter for the sake of his own mental health. You did the only thing you could at the time, and yes it was hard and yes it was thankless. But your reward is that you get to live with yourself without having to feel guilty, or having to rewrite history to avoid feeling guilty.