To ask how you felt getting told off/shouted at as a child

When a child, very much like the OP. Shame and embarrassment, really upset. But as as teen I realised my mum just got irritated really easily and shouted at me a lot, I hadnt done anything wrong a lot of the time. So I learned to nod, take a breath and move on. She couldn't keep telling me off for the same thing again and again if I didn't react. As an adult though I can pretend to deal with it OK if I do get picked up on something but inside I still feel terrible.

Same! I am laidback though

Hi op. The description you gave is exactly like my son, who is autistic. We have to be very careful, as even explaining kindly why something he has done might be slightly wrong (like homework etc) is usually very hard for him. And yes, RSD and autism are most certainly behind this.

Terrified because I never knew whether I was going to get hit or not.

I could do something that would be laughed at one day and get me a smack in the face the next. I got hit depending on my mother's mood.

My dad hit me with his belt then had the nerve to be hurt I was scared of him after that and would flinch whenever he made a sudden movement!

He was also the one who would say stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. Fucker. If I'm crying its because I already have something to cry about!

When it came to just shouting my mum would scream but my dad would stand over me and put his face next to mine and hiss his words through gritted teeth. That was more frightening than the yelling.

I came from a happy and loving environment. Found primary school very tough. I’m in my 60s now and can recall vividly the headmaster stopping what we were doing so the hall fell silent and pointed at me saying “you” and told me off for not playing my instrument properly. Fuck me I’ve spent the rest of my life people pleasing and I’m sure it’s down to that cunt.

I wouldn't apologise for shouting at my kids.what I say to them afterwards is "you know I do not want to shout & I do not like shouting. I end up shouting if you do not listen/ disobey what I say in a normal voice."

I do think its important children recognise that its their behaviour that has triggered mummy and daddy getting cross/losing their temper and that they do need to learn not to repeat those behaviours!!

my adult son tells me he felt the same. This and other things are making him think he has ADHD and he’s getting assessed this week. Watch this space…

Embarrassed and ashamed (usually i knew full well what I'd done wrong and certainly a degree of my emotion was being cross at myself for being caught/doing something stupid) but in no way traumatised! My parents were quite shouty/strict.

It was always very clear that what my parents were cross about was the behaviour. I didn't see it as rejection or a sign they didn't love me. I have a great relationship with them and I am a resilient adult with good emotional regulation.

Even by my mid late teens I respected my parents for having clear boundaries that I could already see were paying dividends in terms of my school performance, achievements in hobbies and praise at school/in the community for excellent behaviour.

I was terrified of my parents and was very well behaved but I was a little sod at school, my parents would never believe that.
My daughter is the opposite and is a little sod at home but an angel at school and the teachers wouldn’t believe it, she is terrified of being told of by a teacher.

If I behaved like my daughter does at home though, I’d have got a bloody good hiding so I didn’t dare.
Obviously not going to do that to my daughter so she happily cracks on being a little sod with nothing to fear.

Both ADHD

My mum was a shouter and I can remember tears would come very quickly when I was told off, which sometimes made her more angry. But no, I never had such an extreme reaction as you describe. Oh and I can't ever remember being hit, either by my parents or teachers. This was in the 60s/70s when allegedly it was very common but it never played a big part in my childhood. I knew of and saw other kids being smacked but I don't think I was ever on the receiving end.

When an adult told me off I would feel that intense shame and feel tears brimming. Even now, if anyone raises their voice at me I instantly feel tears brimming even if I’m not upset. It’s so embarrassing! I once had an argument with my ex where he shouted and he stopped and apologised because I was crying, I felt manipulative because I had been the one in the wrong but I can’t help it!

Oddly very few adults thought I was defiant, because I didn't show it much (apart from the ongoing screaming rows with my dad in my teenage years, that is). From very early on my sights were set on getting out of my area and away from my parents, and by and large keeping my head down and doing well at school was the way to do that. I was defiant on the inside all the way through but I actually had to actively learn as an adult to stand up for myself in the moment rather than just moving on quietly.

@gannett that resonates a lot for me too. I would feel the full range of emotions like humiliation but ultimately I was also quite defiant and I think that’s something that authority figures could see and wanted to crush in me.

Sometimes there were times where I knew I was wrong so I just had to take it on the chin.

But a lot of the time I pretended to take it on the chin while still thinking I knew best. I've always disliked being spoken down to - if someone doesn't treat me as their equal, I find it difficult to respect them, and I remember thinking that when I was eight. That was also the age when I started realising I was much smarter than a lot of adults. And I've always had a problem with authority (if anything this has worsened over the years).

These aren't necessarily helpful character traits but I'm happier to have them than to be someone who just follows orders.

I felt very attacked, stupid, unloved, humiliated. I was a relatively sensitive child so the pile ons from parents would really affect me. I was usually being shouted at or slapped for something I wasn’t meaning to do wrong rather than ever for anything I was doing that was naughty. I was very playful and probably quite mischievous but never seemed to be specifically caught for the mischievous things. My parents were very quick to belittle any of us and call us stupid little bastards. When I write it down, it brings tears to my eyes as in hindsight it feels quite abusive but really I felt very loved and privileged too. The self-esteem of all three of us throughout our adult lives has just been on the floor and I think that’s because we were faced with a barrage of expectations and admonishment but very rarely genuine encouragement and consistent support. We didn’t laugh a lot as a family. I enjoyed my childhood but don’t think of my family dynamic as being joyful and positive. It wasn’t ever the little engine that could, it was always the Little engine that got As and did well or was useless.

I remember not enjoying it. But, to be honest, that’s the point of it, you’re not supposed to like it. I never disagreed with it. I still don’t disagree with it.

I still look back and respect those teachers and I think of my parents as being nothing but kind and loving towards me, then and now.

I was told off/shouted at because I had misbehaved. I understood it then as a child and I understand even more now as an adult.

I think as a society we have become too lenient and tolerant. Too many excuses for bad behaviour. As a result, misbehaving (generally) is now off the scale.

I know you’re all going to pile on me for my “dated” views. You have your views, I have mine.

I would feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, I could pretty much hear it. Clam up and then feel a lump in my throat but was desperate not to cry so suppressed it. Replayed it for days on a loop, just couldn’t help it. It became a coping strategy for whenever an adult raised their voice. My sibling would cry but I would do anything to suppress my emotions. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and likely to be autistic.

Horrible, I remember feeling so upset, distraught, lonely, ashamed, anxious, like I was never good enough.

I felt similar to you. Equally, if my brother got told off and there was anger in the house, I would feel the same. I was told off ONCE in the whole time I was at school. I was 6 years old and I leaned against the bookcase and it banged against the wall. It made me feel so bad that I never did anything bad again. Perhaps that's where the fear stemmed from, actually, as I remember is being an incredibly out of control and over the top reaction, considering a very small (and incredibly well behaved) child had accidentally made something make a noise.

I have absolutely no idea where it came from. My parents were never violent towards us, nor unfairly angry. But I have always been really upset by conflict - I absolutely still am!

Im sure I did. I was em extremely sensitive child. Parents were lacking with emotional intelligence for the most part - I was forced to 'join in', totally overwhelmed in many circumstances, mortified at having to do anything on a stage (even collecting gifts from Santa at Xmas); my parents were/are total rule abiders and conformists. It has shaped the person I am today and I am far more aware of my own DC's feelings and have nurtured them accordingly - I feel I have a much closer relationship with them as adults than my parents did with me. I perform 'daughter duties' for my DM out of simply that; duty. Ddad was great fun in the main and I realise since I lost him recently, that he was the buffer that kept me in touch with DM. Can barely stand being around her these days. Sad, but we can't choose our families.

Thinking back I now realise that I would get overly worked up. I would cry so much Id get a tuck in my heart. I remember a teacher giving out to me because I was distracted by my necklace. I was upset for days. I am probably still easily upset now. I would love to be more resilient like my sister. She couldn't care less about being shouted at and would retaliate.

I felt very much like you OP. An intense feeling of hurt and shame that was almost a physical pain. I would feel a huge sense of panic, blood rushing in my ears etc. It was worst of all when I had been shouted at or told off for something I hadn't done because I wasnt allowed to defend myself/explain - that was "answering back" which was also something to be in trouble for. I can still remember the absolute white hot burning sense of injustice.

Interestingly (because I hadn't connected it to my childhood terror of being told off) I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s after one of my children was and the consultant recommended I look into it. I certainly have RSD tendencies even now though the physical terror feeling is fairly rare. If my husband snaps at me (doesn't happen often) I need a bit of time to collect my feelings and recover. I will try and act normally but I can't just snap out of it. I feel like a dog that has been kicked and needs to go off and hide for a while. H has accused me of "sulking" and trying to carry on an argument but nothing is further from the truth. I wish so much I was different. I'm actually a lot better than I was.

A few years ago we were at a National Trust place and our youngest was being naughty on the house tour, running ahead etc even though I was doing my best to keep her under control. One of the volunteers told us to leave and showed us out of a side entrance unceremoniously. I felt the awful burning shame and (it's ridiculous I know) I couldn't forget about it for days, it went round and round in my mind. Even now thinking about it my face is burning!

When my mum told me off i would feel imense fear as she would hit me as well. I would also get the silent treatment until i apologised. This made me feel humiliated as my mum never bothered to explain why i had done something wrong. Therefore i would apologise without understanding why i was apologising. I think that i apologised due to fear and i just wanted to be spoke to again.

I was ashamed and cried. I’m quite rule bound. But I do have a backbone and can be assertive if I’m right. It’s if I’ve made a mistake or am wrong that I crumble.