Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

You don't know if he's threatening because he's manipulative or because this on top of everything else has him at the edge of his tolerance.

OP is your username a slight hint as to which country you’re thinking of going to? If so, I guess Rwanda!

Anyway, your DH is being a dick and you should definitely go and your DD will love it. What an amazing trip.

I have travelled in South Africa as well as Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, Tanzania, Zanzibar, Mozambique and Zimbabwe and I never once felt unsafe. I hope to do it again one day.

Gosh that's so helpfto the OP right now.

I agree that families should go on holiday together, but it seems very unreasonable for him not to agree to go on this trip. I can understand people not liking long haul flights, but most African countries are not particularly long haul compared with places like south America or Australia, and there aren’t the same jet lag issues as some other destinations with a similar flight time because there isn’t a significant time difference with most African countries, or no difference at all.

to be threatening you with divorce over something like this is ridiculous - he made vows to you when you got married and it looks as though he didn’t take them very seriously!

Yes he would need to give permission

My daughter in law is African, and there would be zero point in her visiting a different African country to the one her family are from as the lifestyle, traditions and customs are all completely different. There is no learning for your daughter and it looks to me that you're taking her just to see a country full of black people which is something that I have a significant amount of discomfort over.

This is a load of tosh! There's learning everywhere for people who are open to learning.

My daughter has no Kenyan heritage, but visited a couple of times because I have friends from there. She's not only learnt a few Swahili greetings, but her online pseudonym is the Kenyan name they gave her.

There's nothing wrong with learning the culture of others, or being in a place surrounded by other black people, FGS.

100% not true, the op can’t take her daughter out of the country without her husbands permission

They're a married couple. It's not her own money - it is joint money/family money.

There would be an outcry if a man wanted to tootle off to a country almost 9000 miles away for a expensive holiday, because it's HIS money to do what he wants with.

The OP's husband has every right to veto this trip.

Threatening divorce however? Weird as fuck. I have to agree with other posters that you both sound stubborn and contrary @KiggiCalli

@BigOldBlobsy OP has said it's a random safe country that she has no ties to.

Which country in Africa? A random dangerous one where he will be worried about her safety or one that you have ties to and know how to navigate? That’s important

Would poster on here be quite so
happy if it was the dad taking his DD against her mother’s wishes?

Would he need to give permission for you to take your daughter out of the country without him? I think you are within your rights to go without him but could be tricky.

I don't understand why you're taking your daughter to a country you have no connection with but dressing it up as though it's something to do with you being black.

Surely the point of visiting Africa in the way you're setting your side of the story up, is to explore your background and heritage and that of your daughter otherwise you may as well visit any country or area that is predominantly black because that won't be related to your lineage either.

I'm guessing that that's where your husband is coming from. You have as much connection to Vietnam as you do to the African country you're talking about visiting. You're basically just insisting on a holiday destination and the whole African thing is a complete red herring.

My daughter in law is African, and there would be zero point in her visiting a different African country to the one her family are from as the lifestyle, traditions and customs are all completely different. There is no learning for your daughter and it looks to me that you're taking her just to see a country full of black people which is something that I have a significant amount of discomfort over.

He believes a family should holiday together not separately

The situation you are in demonstrates why such a hard & fast rule doesn't really work - sometimes people prefer different destinations. Provided there are enough funds for you to go on holiday together as a family as well, this seems the best solution and it's hard to see why he would oppose it?

Exactly this.

Visiting a random African country that has nothing to do with your DD's heritage is no different from me visiting a random European country and claiming it's my heritage.

Both are nonsense claims.

This is just a family dispute over choosing a holiday - OP has roped in the DD for emotional leverage and the DH is being an arse by threatening divorce.

Some of the responses are just so wild, you can't even argue them!

Hmm, I have mixed views on this.

Why didn't your DD go to South Africa four years ago when you went there?

Also, the implication is that your DD wants to travel to Africa because it's part of her heritage - but you said that you intend to travel to a safe country that has nothing to do with her heritage?

Africa isn't a homogenous lump - if you're not travelling anywhere that's to do with your heritage, then it's just a holiday destination. It doesn't have the same weight that you're implying in your OP. This isn't about heritage; you just want to holiday in Africa.

And if it is just a holiday then I'd expect the parents to plan family holidays together with compromise on plans for the next couple of years if there are different preferences eg/Vietnam this year and Africa the next, or vice versa.

Have you asked your DH why he is willing to travel to Vietnam but not Africa, given the similar distances?

Threatening to divorce you over the holiday does sound more than a little extreme - but all of this does tbh.

The OP has not specified where in Africa she wishes to go to.
The reference to South Africa was that they went there four years ago.
But, their daughter, now 13 has never been. So they didn’t take her.

Book the holiday.....sounds like a good excuse to get rid of him.

Op says she’s black British.

True but I’ve seen people denied boarding at Heathrow to SA because they didn’t have the correct paperwork to enter SA with their child (birth cert) shortly after the new requirements came in.

The divorce threat won’t be about the holiday destination it will be about the whole situation within the family part of which is OP demanding to spend a significant amount of family money and annual leave on a destination he does not want to go to for possibly legitimate reasons (we don’t know). And OP saying she intends to go anyway.

Agree with this, it sounds like a bit of a power play by both the parents…

His behaviour sounds controlling and extreme. If everything in the marriage is otherwise fine though and this is out of character I'd try to reach some kind of compromise. Surely there must be somewhere you'd all like to go? Would he be up for the African country in a future year? Does he have something against this specific African country?

I do disagree with him that families should always holiday together, assuming you can afford a family holiday as well. If it's your money rather than family money even more so.

So you want to go to an African country that you have no connection with, and your DH doesn't want to go there. He wants to go to Vietnam.
This is basically a disagreement over a holiday destination.
He's obviously over-reacting with the divorce threats, but you're dressing this up as a "DD connecting with her roots" situation, when in reality it's a disagreement over a holiday. You need to talk about it and come to some sort of compromise.