Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

Just go. And while you are out there think if that man is really for you. I'm Latin and my husband is from USA. We travel together, alone, our child with one of us. I mean I travel a lot only with my kid , it's even better that way. Doesn't like long hauls? Well . ..stay. my husband have asked me.. do you want to go to usa this year. . nah .. just go with our daughter. It's good to be in your own country with your kid speaking your own language being you. If your husband agrees now, trust me he will be a drag and extremely annoying, might even get sick and put it on you . Oh I told you we shouldn't have come! If my husband says the word divorce over a stupid immature thing like a holiday, means something one thing. He wants out the easy way.

Or maybe you could stop off somewhere in between to shorten the flights? Two days in Spain/Cairo/Marrakesh and then on to Cape Town/Jburg?

First of all, it does sound controlling to be threatening divorce over this topic.

However:

It makes a difference that this isn't a country you have a connection to. If you had extended family there, were visiting with them, or something along those lines, I could see a bit of an argument there.

The prices for flying to SA have rocketed up (I know because a friend was planning on taking her family for a big trip as they are from there) and presumably you are also booking a resort or something if you are saying it's a safe destination. It's a lot of money for one person to be declaring they will be spending on a holiday.

I guess he has the option to spend similar money to do his own thing, if everyone is doing this as a one-off?

Would he go elsewhere in Africa that is closer? Morocco or Tunisia? Egypt?

He obviously doesn’t get it and is being a knob. Book it anyway if you can afford to.

I agree with you. But what does it say about MN that this is even necessary.

Totally agree with the sentiment but you do need the other parent's permission to take a child aboard. So OP will have to negotiate with someone prepared to emotionally blackmail

Book the holiday! You have a chance to do it and your daughter gets the opportunity to see a whole different culture. Life throws unexpected things at you from time to time so if you have the chance to go now, do it! Don’t feel guilty. If your husband can’t get on board, I suggest he sees a therapist

Book the holiday. Your DH is an arsehole and sounds controlling.

Michael Jackson had vitiligo.

I think he is being super unreasonable. If he doesn't feel like coming then he can figure out a separate holiday plan in Europe for all of you, maybe over the Oct half term.

No, you are NBU, I can’t imagine not being able to visit my country abd that’s only Ireland to UK, granted it’s more complex but no YANBU 🥰

Erm....don't know your financial situation but you're lucky to be going on any holiday. I would go to Europe and not pit my kids against their Dad. Then save up for a fantastic African holiday in a few years

Not allowed?? I don’t think cost is the issue or you wouldn’t have thought of going in the first place. I would call his bluff and book the holiday for you and your daughter and tell him you expect him to of moved out by the time you get home, if that’s the leverage he’s using then maybe the relationship needs questioning

Same. Couple of times I’ve travelled to SA with kids and ended up in a different passport queue from my husband. They wouldn’t let me and the kids through until we got my husband back, they checked off all names and scrutinised the birth certificates. You have to carefully check the requirements for the country you are entering as some are super stringent on identity papers and parental permission, due to the high incidences of child trafficking, sadly.

If it’s the only holiday you’ll be able to afford and it means your DH won’t get a family holiday, I could understand him being upset. But to threaten divorce is very controlling behaviour and is waving red flags all over the place.

for me, it’s less about the holiday and more about him using the relationship to get his own way

You've just been lucky not to be asked.

I've been asked a couple of times - and both times I was with the father, he was just in another passport queue.

So all of Europe is the same, and all of Africa is the same?

I’d take your daughter and sack off your husband. 13 is a perfect age for this and I agree your DD should experience that side of her cultural heritage. My mother took my to Africa several times when I was growing up (sometimes as a family, sometimes alone) and they are precious memories.

An awful lot of context missing here. Where in Africa? for how long? What is the cost? What is the itinerary?

I think your husband is being unreasonable to threaten divorce over this.

However I am struggling to understand your motivation for this trip.

You say you are black British but your daughter is of mixed African heritage.
You want to go to a country you have no connection with. There are 54 countries in Africa (55 if you count Western Sahara), they are all different. Even within a country the tribe you are from makes a difference.

People have said you and your daughter will be surrounded by people who look like you. If you are going on holiday you won’t be. Tourists in Africa are predominantly white. This does depend on what you have planned though.

I agree with others this is just about you and your husband having different ideas for a holiday. I don’t this is about heritage.

If a half Asian half French person said they wanted to go to Ireland because they wanted to connect with their heritage what would people say?

I live in Africa. I have a mixed race, dual national daughter. She is half African. I get wanting to see her heritage but we live in the country next to where her Dad is from and can see major differences between the two countries.

The most concerning thing about this is the divorce threat. That is totally below the belt, and really controlling. No one should make divorce threats unless they really mean it. I believe there is research that has found that empty divorce threats are seriously damaging to the marital bond.

I know someone whose wife was always threatening divorce. He decided he had had enough, and he broke up with her. He said he couldn't keep living under that threat. And she was in such shock when he said he wanted to break up that she had to be hospitalised!!!

As to the other points, think about this for a minute: Not only is he trying to stop you from going on the holiday together, he is also trying to stop you from going without him, paid for with your own money. Does he want to lock you in a cage while he's at it?? He's literally trying to force you not to use your OWN money ad your free will to take your daughter ON A NICE HOLIDAY. For this "crime," the punishment is divorce.

Wow. Just wow. I would be infuriated. How dare he try and control you like that? I'd show him just how much control he has by booking the holiday, for a bit longer than you were going to, if that's affordable.

What a Neanderthal. "Must have woman under control! Woman not holiday without me, Tarzan!" 🤢

@KiggiCalli If you want to go and take your daughter, then go regardless of your husband's manipulative behaviour. I don't believe your husband's dislike of a long haul flight is the only reason he is reluctant to go to Africa. If your husband is a calm person, could you try speaking with him again to find out if there are other reasons he doesn't want to go? It's easy to be critical of a manipulative person but people often behave that way when they're scared and if you still love him and are keen to avoid divorce then it may be worth trying to get to the 'real reasons' he doesn't want to go. If a person is really scared about doing something and decide they don't want to even try it, it's human nature to make a mountain of excuses not to go through with it and if a person feels railroaded into doing something, they may use the immature response of manipulation to get their own way but it's all about being on the defensive and doesn't necessarily mean they planned their threat. Was this a knee-jerk reaction which may be understandable if you know the full reason for him not wanting to go? OR was this a case of him just being a control-freak who doesn't want to go somewhere where he won't be in control or in a majority?

Agreed. I'm guessing here (and please @KiggiCalli correct me if I am wrong) that her DH doesn't want his daughter going to Africa because he has a fear of his daughter becoming "too black". If be interested to know how he interacts with black people outside of the immediate family, does he encourage DD to make friends with other black children where they live, at school, etc? What kind of area do the live in, is it diverse, and if not, who's decision was it to live in such a place?

But the OP said she has no heritage connection to the country. Why is the husband being manipulative to try and get them to go where he wants to go to but the OP isn’t being manipulative by trying to get the family go to the country she wants to go to. The OP wants to go to Africa, the husband doesn't. There's a gazillion places to go in this world. Neither of them are wrong, they both need to grow up and find somewhere they both want to go to. Divorce is ridiculous over something so trivial. Both as childish as each other.

The poster didn't say that 🙄