Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

If you can afford it then he is just being controlling. He can either come or tell you to have a great time he doesn't get to veto (or make threats) unless finances are tight and going means you cannot afford a family holiday. That said, 4 years is a long time especially if you are going to see family (which isn't clear from your OP) and so even if you couldn't afford to spend as much on a family holiday this year it still isn't unreasonable for you to want to go and then to do something a bit cheaper as a family, especially if he has the option to come with you. The cost of his flight will cover a short UK break.

YANBU.

@KiggiCalli Are you from Africa or do you just have origins? I mean many Americans claim to be Irish because they have origins there and want to go and visit. If it's not a specific country you can just visit Tunisia that's not far away and not expensive and it's Africa.

And further to this point, that creating a child with someone whilst being unwilling to foster connection to both sides of that child's culture, heritage and ethnicity never mind to then threaten divorce over the other parent's attempts to maintain such, is frankly abusive behaviour!

"... His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again... "

"... My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go..."

Did your daughter (13 now, nine four years ago) visit South Africa with you four years ago?

OP is British, on what basis would she not be coming back at the end of her holiday?!

Perhaps you should accept his offer of divorce. At best he’s controlling and abusive.

Is he worried that you wouldn’t bring her back to UK?

Look into the freedom programme or hope2recovery.

She did reference SOUTH AFRICA

Read this book
https://amzn.eu/d/03gLtHRn
Living with the dominator

Does it though? Why does he get to refuse OP and her kid the right to go on a holiday OP would pay for even if it’s not a country they have a specific heritage connection with? I have no connection with the Maldives but I’ve still been there. He’s being unreasonable regardless of OP’s intended destination.

Also, I’m not assuming this is the case for OP, but lots of black people in the UK and other countries know they have African heritage but not the specific country of that heritage because of the way the slave trade obliterated family links and personal histories. That can lead to people feeling a continental connection rather than a national connection.

Go. IF he divorces you over a holiday that he doesn't want to go on then you've not lost much in all honesty.
A good husband would either go with his family or if really didn't want to go, tell you both to have an amazing time.

Take care OP. Don't let him manipulate you.

‘Africa’ is a bit vague, it is an extremely large continent. Where were you proposing to go? If your husband would prefer Europe, does he know some parts of Africa are only a few miles from Europe? What is the definition of ‘long distance’?

You say your daughter has mixed African heritage, is that via you? Where from exactly?

Clearly not in the same language but I agree. Did you hide your “blackness” in some Micheal Jackson style or something from him and he’s only just realising he married a black girl ? Cos I fail to his rationale?.. 🤷‍♀️

I find it hard to understand why anyone would threat divorce over this, unless this is part of a bigger relationship problem.

If it’s just the question that he doesn’t want to go as he doesn’t ’like’ long haul, then the solution seems to be that you go without him. It’s not reasonable to force someone to go somewhere he doesn’t want to, but equally not reasonable to prevent you going if YOU want to.

If, however, the argument is a wider issue, then there may be more to unpack here.

If it’s a money issue and you as a family would have to sacrifice lots of things to afford this trip, then one option would be to postpone it while you save up, or you fund it from your own money rather than joint.

If he doesn’t like you going anywhere without him, then that’s clearly unreasonable but you may need to have deeper discussions as to WHY he thinks like that (trust issues? control issues? is he insecure?).

Personally I’ve brought my kids to my home country several times without my DH and we are both happy with that. Can I assume from your post that your trip would be to a country that’s linked to your heritage or extended family perhaps?

If you two cannot come to a mutually agreeable resolution on this rather minor issue through calm conversation, then you have deep rooted problems in your marriage.

I'm with you OP.

I also have a child who'se dad is from a country in Africa and we did visit the family (he'd gone back).

I'd hate to be told what to do with my own life as an adult.

I've been to South Africa twice. Amazing country.
I travelled solo both times and never had a spot of bother, even stayed in a fab hostel in Soweto.

I hope you can both come to an amicable agreement.

I would be wondering if he is just looking for a way out and using this to split up and blame it on oyou.

There is no way he wants a divorce PURELY due to this. Is he looking for an excuse to separate? How is your marriage generally?

The way you phrase it is weird though - are you going to your home country or just a random African country that has no relation to you? That gives context to assess whether or not he is being unreasonable

Is he this controlling over other things?

He sounds insane. Does he have form for threatening divorce over disagreements in your marriage?

Is he suggesting you / your daughter are never allowed to travel to Africa even though you can afford it because he doesn’t to go and also doesn’t want you to go without him? Because that is controlling and unreasonable behaviour.

Is your husband supposed to go on the holiday and didn't want south Africa as a location?What is he worried about will happen? Is it the high rape crimes happening there to women that worries him?, ask him what is the root of his reluctance for her to go.,

Would he react the same if you both changed your holiday destination to another country in Africa and vacationed there instead?

When you last went to South Africa was it before you knew your husband or with your husband?

Tell him that you're taking your daughter to show her the other side of her heritage and if he doesn't want to come then fuck him, he can stay at home. If he really did go through with divorce papers then you're obviously better off as he sounds controlling and shitty

This is why mixed marriages with people who aren’t actually going to embrace the other person’s culture seem ridiculous to me