Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

PS OP: Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you and your son are at particular risk as visitors to SA because of skin colour. If you are sensible as tourists you will be absolutely fine. That stats I was mentioning were for the local people, not tourists.

But if you have already been to SA then how about Tanzania or Kenya, for example. The wildlife is amazing. And Botswana is one of the best places I have ever been in my life.

She’s a good age for an adventurous trip. Will only be a few more years and she may not be interested in spending that time with you. I’d do it and he can do his own thing.
Where do you want to go? I’d pick Ethiopia for a trip like this.

It depends entirely where you intend on travelling and pay attention to your foreign office’s cautions and with consideration to any virus outbreaks.

I remember reading about a woman who took a trip to Africa (she was black - of African descent - but either British or American). She said it was so dangerous and she would never go again.

I’ve known women who have moved to my country from South Africa and Zimbabwe and some of the violence they described was utterly horrific. Think of the worst things that could happen to a person. I won’t detail it here as it is not appropriate. There are two women who had family members violently murdered (in both cases it was their father’s) and another woman who knew a teenager who was murdered.

A friend’s boyfriend grew up in South Africa and he described how their house had metal gates inside the house protecting some of the bedrooms in the very likely case of home invasions. Basically, they would barricade themselves inside their bedrooms inside an already locked house at night and this house was already in a gated community.

My friend visited on holiday about 10+ years ago and she was fine. But from the sounds of it they didn’t travel much - just stayed at his parent’s house.

A relative of mine travelled around South Africa but he was fine as his friends were very wealthy. Another relative lived in Tanzania and it was so beautiful - but they were in an employer supplied luxury home/compound.

I can’t comment on whether or not your husband is being unreasonable. However, if he did commence divorce proceedings he could seek an order that your child not leave the country. This would prevent you from visiting any country without either his permission or an order from a Family Court judge allowing your travel.

"it's one of the most dangerous countries on earth - particularly if you're white". No it is not, black and coloured people in SA are at much greater risk of violence. That statement smacks very much of the racist "white genocide" nonsense that Elon Musk likes to spout. Don't do that.

To the OP's point, I wanted to take my son to SA over Xmas to see his grandparents and to visit the country for the first time. DH did not want to go (he used to be South African but has an antipathy towards the country, for complicated psychological reasons which I am not going to go into now). I booked the tickets and went with my son. We had a great time. If he had told me he was going to divorce me I would have told him to get lost.

Well you do need his permission to go and a holiday is something that should be agreed together. If you try to go against him then I can understand the divorce element.

What are his concerns? Financial/ health and safety/ not thinking it would be enjoyable…?

I think you should both be able to put forward to the other with no interruptions your cases - why you want to go and why he doesn’t.

Book the holiday and divorce him. He sounds like a racist twat.

There are many horrible right-wing men who marry women from ethnic backgrounds yet refuse to visit their home countries or familiarise themselves with the culture. It comes down to power. They are deeply racist but want full domination and control over their partner. Not liking long-haul flights is a pathetic excuse if you're the father of a mixed race child.

Where in Africa do you want to take your daughter OP what exactly is your heritage?

Because if its a part of Africa where FGM is prevalent I wouldn't be happy with a 13 year old girl being taken there either....

And tbh i wouldnt take a child to South Africa due to how dangerous it is.

This whole post depends massively on the part of Africa you want to take your child to, some parts can be really quite dangerous, others not so much.

There is obviously more to it than what you've posted. Where in Africa do you want to go, for how long and when.

If it was for a month in term time in a dangerous part of the continent, he would have a very good point.

Your DH is secretly worried you will go and never come back from The Beloved Country.

You can go wherever you like with your daughter if you’re paying. Maybe you could have another holiday all together? However him threatening divorce sounds frankly pathetic!

But OP hasn’t said she wants to go to South Africa again - she said she went there four years ago but wants to go to Africa for a holiday but hasn’t specified where.

OP said her DD has never been to Africa.

I should imagine one of his reasons would be it's one of the most dangerous countries on earth - particularly if you're white.

If that's his only reason it's a good one.

He is being very controlling and I would be upset if my husband threatened me with divorce over such a matter. You have every right to want to visit your home country and especially given your daughter the opportunity to visit and it's not like you're inspiring you of there every year, your last visit was 4 years ago.

You need to firstly address the divorce issue, that is insulting, controlling and wrong and should not be tolerated. That's how couples resolve conflict.

Secondly he is free to organize a second family holiday and stay home when you go to SA with your daughter especially given you plan to pay for the trip yourself anyway.

What a weird view. So he gets to decide that other human beings don’t get the holiday they want because he doesn’t want to go. Genuinely why do you think that’s normal?

That's ridiculous, families don't have to always holiday together.

You're not one homogeneous lump, everyone will have different preferences and that's completely okay and normal.

Why should you and your daughter miss out because he doesn't want to go?

Complete red flag that he sees you all as not separate from himself (narcissistic) or that you are all his property.

Problem is, will he need to approve your DD leaving the country if you divorce?

If this was a man wanting to take child on his own, there might be warnings of him not returning them back

Her post said literally nothing about affordability so I don't see why you're going there and potentially "seeing his point"

Sounds like you both are absolutely determined to get your own way.

how have you resolved disagreements in the past

Is he concerned about the crime?

Your daughter has her whole life to go to Africa. I’m with your husband.

Just saw your follow up post that you’re happy paying for this trip and happy to go without him.

In that case, it doesn’t even matter if the trip is to Africa or anywhere else, it’s entirely unreasonable for him to say ‘I don’t like to fly long haul therefore no-one in the family can ever fly long haul’.

I’d recommend couples therapy, whatever you decide re the holiday. Your DH needs to unpack why he feels he needs to try to control things, and what is making him overreact. Whatever happens, it’s important for your daughter to realise that saying ‘my way or the highway’ isn’t what good husbands do.

Well - not really.

”I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday…..He does not like long-haul flights……His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa…”

OP went to South Africa four years ago and now is proposing a holiday to Africa, which is a large continent. Parts of Africa are extremely close to parts of Europe, and other parts of Africa are very far to travel to from the UK.

And you left your caps lock on.

Just book it for you and DD.

Let him file for divorce. I am quite sure you will be much happier without him.

What are his reasons for not wanting to go?

does he see your side of the argument at all?