Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

I'm on the fence here. My husband and I decide together where we were going to go as it's a big expense - I wouldn't be happy to be railroaded into going somewhere I didn't want to go...Is it specifically to visit the country of your daughter's heritage? In which case, I can understand why you would want to, and I'd be a bit confused as to why your husband doesn't want to help her understand her heritage more. If it's a random African country, then it's a big continent and it feels like you're using your African heritage to get the holiday you want - a bit like me saying I MUST go to Italy as my child is white European!

I'd also guess Rwanda from your user name @KiggiCalli

Does your husband believe it isn't a safe place to visit?

Regardless, he shouldn't be threatening a divorce over this issue.

How's the rest of your marriage?

Further to the post above, @KiggiCalli please read the chapter called King of the Castle.

Are you from Rwanda @KiggiCalli guessing from username.

I do wish you would say where in Africa. Is he concerned that the location is not entirely as safe as you believe it to be ?
The divorce thing seems very silly.
When you went to South Africa four years ago you clearly did not take your daughter ?

if it was to visit family I’d say he’s being unreasonable. If it’s just a country you’d like to visit and he doesn’t then perhaps find one the three of you want to go to? Divorce over a holiday is a bit mad though!

What?!

Her daughter has her whole life to go to Europe.

“My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa”

I think there's a lot of extraneous and incorrect information in the original post. You or your daughter don't have a cultural connection to where you want to go, and your husband will do long haul when it suits him. It can all boil down to "I want to go to e.g. Kenya for a holiday, my husband wants to go to Vietnam. He's threatened to divorce me if we don't go where he wants". In which case he's obvioously being unreasonable.

I don’t see that you can have a marriage of love and mutual respect with his brinkmanship. It seems obvious to me that your daughter should experience this important part of her heritage.

Go with your daughter and leave him behind. If he won’t agree to that then that seems rather controlling.

Surely there’s more to this op, are you both generally happy or do you both argue and this is endgame? Do you both share money or have your own account? Is it prohibitively expensive (it sounds a bit holiday of a lifetime)

How could the daughter have visited South Africa 4 years ago? You actually quoted the OP saying that the daughter has never been to Africa!

It doesn’t seem like he has a valid reason for the long haul flight excuse then as Vietnam is also long haul.
it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to have a conversation and discuss this at all with you. But is threatening divorce. Definately using the threat of divorce to get his own way.

So it's not a country where you can say it's your home country with your heritage? You want a holiday, he doesn't fancy the destination.
Is there any other reason he might not want to go there, considering he would go to Vietnam?

^This

You could ask HQ to move the thread but I suspect a fresh question would work better. You will have more chance of being seen by women in similar mixed marriages and slightly less lectures on how the whole of Africa is uniformly Bad and Dangerous.

I think the response of “divorce if you go” sounds very unhealthy.

Why doesn't he want to go?
What is his objection to you and DD going??

Is it purely because he wants a different holiday destination and thinks his word should be law? He sounds rather controlling.

DH and I are African, we grew up there, immigrated in our 20s. Now late 30s and early 40s and we’ve not taken our children back to our home country mainly due to how expensive it all is. Most of our family have also migrated to different countries and it’s been cheaper to bring like a parent to visit us for example than book a school holiday trip for a family of 5. When we all eventually go, it’ll be a visit to see family, their heritage, etc but I can’t say it’s a family holiday because a visit home can’t be classed as a holiday

Why would you assume it is not his daughter 🙄

Because women shouldnt be allowed to spend their own money and go where they want unless a man has approved it?!

Someone who is actually willing to divorce over a holiday is someone who doesn't want to be married in the first place. Using divorce as a false threat and leverage to get you to give in to a demand is manipulative and abusive.

He's an adult so surely he can just stay at home then can't he if he doesn't want to travel? Being married or in a relationship doesn't mean that every single moment must be spent all together. If he has a problem with that and is still going on about divorce if you try and proceed then you have much bigger problems.

Book the holiday. I take my dc on holiday all the time without Dh. He wanted a dog. He got a dog. She is lovely but she can’t come on non UK holidays and he won’t figure out another solution, so he doesn’t come. Simples. It’s perfectly normal to take holidays individually especially if one of you can’t or doesn’t like to travel or you have children with specific interests. Dh took dd away to Europe for 2 weeks on a climbing holiday that I had no interest in. They had a great time (I chilled with the dog).

Your dd deserves to experience her cultural heritage and see the world. I’d absolutely go without him assuming you can afford it. He’s being a turd. Make sure you have both your passports safe.

I would tell him that you are going, with or without him for a holiday and to show your daughter some of her heritage and turn give him 24/48hrs to make his mind up what he's doing.

He's had enough time to think it over already, this is just finalising it.

On the face of it, hes being a controling bell end, but we need more details. What are his reasons?

I mean…whereabouts in Africa are you planning to go? How long for and why doesn’t your DH want to go? A trip to Morocco for example would be a similar price/distance to a trip
to a European country like Malta. It seems unreasonable to veto an entire continent. The other significant thing is: What is your/your daughter’s relationship to the country you want to visit in terms of heritage? My DD visits her grandparents’ home country at least once per year to stay in touch with the culture and her heritage. But she is a citizen and has direct descendency from the country in question. It is one thing to visit Kenya as a 2nd/3rd generation, with family members you can visit and so on. It is another to visit and claim a vague ‘African’ heritage on the basis of being Black…much as my great great grandparents on my mother’s mother’s were from Turkey but it seems a little ridiculous for me to claim a genuine Turkish connection on the basis of people who lived there over 120 years ago - maybe he feels you are being a bit weird about your DD’s ‘Africa’ connection? But divorce is a little OTT over a holiday destination.