Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

I’d be the one divorcing him! This is very controlling. Does he try to dictate / threaten over other aspects of your life?

Divorce is extreme but from your side how compromising have you been? What’s his reasoning- worried about cost or safety, doesn’t enjoy the heat, has a different style of holiday in mind etc?

If you can easily afford it without sacrificing other things or taking on debt then surely a compromise is possible. What does he need from a holiday and can that be incorporated into the trip? Obviously Africa is a big continent with something for most people. Even if he can’t be sold on Africa can you holiday in Spain or Gibraltar for two weeks and you and your daughter take 3 days or so to go further south while he stays in Europe?

I’m afraid family holidays always involve compromise and I can only imagine for him to start threatening divorce, he felt you were not taking his preferences into consideration on any level. Is that true?

Does have to be this year? Why not when she's older, after finishing school or before starting work etc

Exactly this.
We are an Indian-European marriage and our children spend 6-7 weeks a year in India and my home EU country. I cannot imagine not doing this and I don't understand OP's husband at all. Was he blind when he married her?

A parent can take another child out of the country for a holiday without the other parents permission, they can't take them permanently. If the husband wanted to block all travel they'd have to get a specific court order, which would be rather drastic and not something a court would agree (usually only if there's specific circs, eg likelihood of a child not being returned, or being taken abroad for marriage)

I understand it might feel a bit tenuous if the country to visit isn't related to the child's heritage, but I think it's still very worthwhile for a child to visit a culture different to where they live, and I can imagine it would be very powerful for a Black teen to visit somewhere where the majority of people looked like them too.

Do you have family there? Is there a reason you’re going to South Africa specifically?
Have you had big family holidays since your last trip to South Africa?

I’d be pretty peeved if my partner unilaterally decided to take our child somewhere we had already been.
I suspect there’s more to this though?

Sounds about right.

@KiggiCalli , I'd call him on his bluff, because no-one worth keeping threatens divorce over this.

Why do you assume so😒.

Without hyperbole, if my partner tried to stop me visiting South Africa I would not be able to resolve that conflict in the relationship.

Does it have to be South Africa, North Africa is only 3hours away

I think it really depends on which country.

I have a Nigerian friend who took a work trip to the North, turned around and came back, she was so afraid for her safety.

you are being unreasonable to expect your husband to go somewhere he doesn’t want to go.

He is being unreasonable to threaten to end the marriage if you go alone with your daughter.

What are his objections?

And in insisting on Africa, does this mean he won’t have a family holiday?

I have a feeling there is more to this story. Either he is extremely manipulative or you are. We are only getting your side of the story. It sounds a reasonable request from the outset, but if you read between the lines you can understand why he might be upset. Yes, much nicer to holiday together. However, if he can’t stand long haul or that’s the reason he’s giving - it kind of depends on where in Africa you intend on going. Who is paying? Could you say ‘ I want our daughter to experience my culture ‘ but I’m happy to pay for a holiday for us all another time. It’s kind of understandable he might be a bit miffed if he thought that was the plan. Have you just sprung this on him? Or if he really is scared of long haul flights and that’s the only reason, maybe reassessing your relationship might be a good idea.

Actually that’s a point. Many African countries are particularly strict about child trafficking prevention and might ask for documents like birth certificate and potentially a letter from the non travelling parent, so if he won’t agree it could be a practical issue.

I travel alone with my DC sometimes and have been questioned/needed to provide a letter of permission to travel in a few countries on arrival. My guess is that theoretically OP’s husband could stop her from taking the DD out of the country by alerting authorities.

Another one asking which country? Does it involve vaccinations that can be fairly costly? When I went to Rwanda and Uganda I spent a lot on yellow fever and rabies vaxxes plus malaria tablets. Like is that what your DH is maybe opposing?

Is he serious?! Of course he's being unreasonable. If he doesn't like long flights, he can choose not to go, or he can suck it up for the sake of enjoying a family holiday, whichever is most important to him. His wants don't trump yours and your child's. (If it was something like, you could only afford one holiday a year, and he got terribly travel sick and would be vomiting the entire flight, I could see wanting to compromise. But if it's really just as simple as he doesn't want to, you should book the trip for you and your daughter.)

@DragonsFurry your logic is flawed. Just because you liked it there, doesn’t mean your dh has to. I went to Florida on “a trip of a lifetime” and I didn’t really enjoy it (picked up a virus on a flight, it was then to hot and overpriced and the food was ghastly, I barely ate for a fortnight !)

I'm sure you can take a child out of the country for up to a month if you have parental rights. As long as you take a copy of birth certificate to prove this. My daughter visited Africa with her uncle (her dad had already travelled and this was the easiest way and i had provided a notarised letter) and they only contacted me when she was on her way back into the UK whilst I was waiting at the airport to pick her up.

OP says shes never been

Of course you should take DD to Africa. I went with my parents as a bit of a trip of a lifetime, I'm not sure I really appreciated it at the time but have amazing memories.

What is wrong with your DH??

Everyone - is the OP allowed to take a child abroad without the other parent’s permission? I thought that was illegal

She’s British.

Divorcing over a holiday seems a bit extreme, although I know someone who separated because of a sunlounger incident in Benidorm and a divorce and subsequent protracted custody battle due to chronic flatulence during an important moment during the King’s speech.

I would just go with your daughter. My eldest child (18) is mixed and from the age of 5 her dad has taken her every 2 years to Africa to visit family. As it stands now she has a great appreciation for both her African and Scottish heritage. Her dad is currently residing in the UK but has said once his kids (1 with me 3 with his wife) have grown and graduated he will be returning to Africa to live out the rest of his life and the fact my child is able to comfortably travel between here and there is a great thing as it means she will be able to move freely between both countries.

It depends entirely on where in Africa you want to go.

South Africa/namibia that part of the world, there are legitimate concerns over crime but doable. DRC, would be a definite no for me too.

Also, if e.g. this was a man wanting to take his DC to e.g. some Middle Eastern country there would be plenty of posters concerned that he didn’t intend to bring them back and OP would be urged to be cautious.