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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

829 replies

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 13:35

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:58

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:56

But again this is you assuming you'd need to pay for 10 hours a day of childcare.

Do you see any truth in the fact that you are looking for problems (which allow you to carry on not working) rather than solutions (that would enable you to work)?

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Why wouldnt i need to pay for roughly 10 hours of childcare? If I started work at 9 I woukd need to drop off for chikdxare by 8 and pick up at 6 as I would have to commute as we live rurally.

OP posts:
August1980 · 13/05/2026 19:58

Op, are you married to your partner?

children are wonderful (one or 20) however, only have them if you can give them the best life ever (and love obviously) although love alone won’t pay for their education or mortgage or drivers license which I think (and I could be wrong) falls within parental responsibility. Would you be able to the do the best by your kids if you had another (who may or may not be a girl)

why don’t you park this for now and look after your boys as best as you can and see if in time your partners attitude towards the two you do share changes?
maybe he will be a better dad with older kids (toddlers and newborns are hard). I say this as a mum to an 18 month old who has just elbowed me right in the middle of my eyeball whilst trying to get her dressed for bed!

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:56

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:52

I would earn about £1600 after tax and everything. Minus £1200 childcare and minus probably £2-300 in car and travel costs. So I would earn £100... he would take an 8k paycut for me to effectively earn £100.

So no whilst the kids are young it is 100% not worthwhile besides a tiny pension contribution as we would be worse off.

Show quote history

But again this is you assuming you'd need to pay for 10 hours a day of childcare.

Do you see any truth in the fact that you are looking for problems (which allow you to carry on not working) rather than solutions (that would enable you to work)?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:55

Avoidtheloo · 13/05/2026 19:54

How do you know he’s very social able when you never ever take him to playgroup or clubs?

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Because he goes nursery and softplay and beaches and farms so I see him playing and interacting with other children and nursery say he is very social.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:54

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 19:50

He hardly sees them. Maybe that's why he should move to days

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If it was financially worthwhile yes.

OP posts:
Avoidtheloo · 13/05/2026 19:54

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:50

Not at all! My son is so far very social and I hope he keeps that which is why I wont insist on homeschooling if I don't get to a point I feel I could meet that need for him.

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How do you know he’s very social able when you never ever take him to playgroup or clubs?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:52

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:50

But if this meant you could work you would earn more than £8k so overall you'd be better off?

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I would earn about £1600 after tax and everything. Minus £1200 childcare and minus probably £2-300 in car and travel costs. So I would earn £100... he would take an 8k paycut for me to effectively earn £100.

So no whilst the kids are young it is 100% not worthwhile besides a tiny pension contribution as we would be worse off.

OP posts:
Blossoms217 · 13/05/2026 19:51

I’m in the same boat but mine are 7 and 4 and so the youngest is starting school in September so the timing would be perfect. It would be my last try for a girl and if it was another boy I would accept it as I am meant to be just a boy mum. I absolutely adore my sons and I did always want sons also Grin and I’m glad they have each other as brothers. So I’m thinking do I? I am 34 or do I spend this time on myself now with fitness etc but it’s not as appealing to me because I convince myself I can do both anyways hahahahaha it’s hard isn’t it x

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:50

Avoidtheloo · 13/05/2026 19:29

If you are honest, and really try to be, am I right?

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Not at all! My son is so far very social and I hope he keeps that which is why I wont insist on homeschooling if I don't get to a point I feel I could meet that need for him.

OP posts:
RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:50

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:45

Not at all. But moving to dsys still occurs a roughly 8k paycut. With the cost of childcare and second car we would financially be the same so he doesn't see the point especially whilst they are young.

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But if this meant you could work you would earn more than £8k so overall you'd be better off?

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 19:50

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:45

Not at all. But moving to dsys still occurs a roughly 8k paycut. With the cost of childcare and second car we would financially be the same so he doesn't see the point especially whilst they are young.

Show quote history

He hardly sees them. Maybe that's why he should move to days

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:49

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:30

So store managers get paid £20k less everywhere other than where he works?

Why wouldn't he want to work at a clothes retailer??

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His company pay very well and he earns about 8k just from doing nights plus sundays. He also gets up to a 10% bonus every year.

He also is no where near a store manager. If he was a large store manager he would lilely be on 100k plus in this company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:47

YouHaveAnArse · 13/05/2026 19:32

I saw a role for an in-store travel consultant which paid very well (more than £35k) - some weekend working but hours started at 8 and ended at 7 depending on your shift. If he can do something like that and has management skills he could easily be on as good a salary in a couple of years, and would get significant discounts on the holidays he says he wants.

It sounds like you haven't had a proper look at all the options out there. If he's on £50k in retail then he must be good at his job.

Possibly he could. But I don't think he would give up a job he likes with very good progression opportunities for something he doesn't want to do just so I work.

But I will mention it to him as an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:45

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:32

So you'd still get a day together as a family. But you have to have 2 days precisely otherwise you'll refuse to work for 10-15 years?

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Not at all. But moving to dsys still occurs a roughly 8k paycut. With the cost of childcare and second car we would financially be the same so he doesn't see the point especially whilst they are young.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:41

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 19:29

@Karma1387

why? Why do you find the idea so aversive?? No judgement, just genuinely curious!

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It just is something I have no interest in. I can't imagine going out of my way to talk to someone socially or make friends.

Brief pleasentries or work related conversation fine but nothing else.

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Students2 · 13/05/2026 19:33

If you ever decide to try for a girl look into natural family planning. Female sperm last a lot longer in the womb then male sperm - just make sure you only have a unprotected sex in the time period before you ovulate where it’s expected male sperm will die before you ovulate

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:32

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:29

He dors currently. He would have to work at least 1 every week.

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So you'd still get a day together as a family. But you have to have 2 days precisely otherwise you'll refuse to work for 10-15 years?

YouHaveAnArse · 13/05/2026 19:32

I saw a role for an in-store travel consultant which paid very well (more than £35k) - some weekend working but hours started at 8 and ended at 7 depending on your shift. If he can do something like that and has management skills he could easily be on as good a salary in a couple of years, and would get significant discounts on the holidays he says he wants.

It sounds like you haven't had a proper look at all the options out there. If he's on £50k in retail then he must be good at his job.

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:30

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:28

Its still a 20k paycut and cant image he would want to work for say a clothes retailer (the ones open 9-5)

Show quote history

So store managers get paid £20k less everywhere other than where he works?

Why wouldn't he want to work at a clothes retailer??

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 19:29

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:08

I have 0 interest in friends. Its not about not being able to make them. I just don't want them.

I cant imagine anything worse than going to a club to try to make friends.

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@Karma1387

why? Why do you find the idea so aversive?? No judgement, just genuinely curious!

Avoidtheloo · 13/05/2026 19:29

Avoidtheloo · 13/05/2026 19:26

A massive part of you wanting to home school is because you are worried about the social interactions.

Again, selfish

If you are honest, and really try to be, am I right?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:29

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:28

Would he be expected to work Saturday and Sunday every week?

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He dors currently. He would have to work at least 1 every week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:28

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:25

So why did you say before he'd have to do a complete career change a start from the bottom?

I do a fairly low level office job that pays £30k surely a role with managerial responsibilities would pay more?

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Its still a 20k paycut and cant image he would want to work for say a clothes retailer (the ones open 9-5)

OP posts:
RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 19:28

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:24

They all also involve weekend working which I don't want him doing if I am working monday- friday

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Would he be expected to work Saturday and Sunday every week?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I cant go back to the old job. If I got a full time job it would be a new job in a different industry.

OP posts: