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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

829 replies

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 13:35

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

OP posts:
SoSoSoSickofthis · 12/05/2026 15:56

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 13:38

I would be over the moon if it was a girl. I think my heart would be complete!

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That’s a lot of pressure on that girl to meet your hopes and expectations.

Bloozie · 12/05/2026 15:55

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:39

I don't expect a girl to be a certain way or get on with me better. I have had an image in my head for 15 years of what my family would look like and it included boys and girls. That is as deep as it is. No expectatations of gender rolls. Just a long time with a certain image.

My boys will know that I love and adore them. If they ever ask if I am sad I haven't had a girl I will be honest and say I would have loved to have had a girl and I would have loved to have 4-5 kids but life is unexpected and instead I have 2 (or 3 if I had a 3rd and it was a boy) boys who are the absolute light of my lives. There is a difference between having a desire/ dream for certain or both genders and having it become a problem for the children you have.

As someone whos mum as 29 still tells her she wanted you to be a boy and obsesses over my son and even tried to convince me to name him what she wanted to name me if I was a boy. I know that is so so damaging! But we are human and we are allowed to have dreams and desires as long as that doesn't impact how we treat the children we have.

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Your 'dream' seems rather... butterfly collector though. Like you want the full set for no reason other than having the full set. I'd at least understand if you had a desire to fill your house with pink and have a lil best friend to gossip with. You'd be unreasonable still, but if you yourself are a girly girl girls' girl, wanting more of that energy is at least understandable. But you just seem to want a girl to say that you have a girl, because you always thought you'd have a girl. Which I'm not sure is the best reason to extend your family. By all means grow it if you really want another baby - if 3 or 4 kids just feels like the best way to make your time on earth meaningful. I salute that. But it's not that for you either. You've retreated from your vision of a larger family - but not from your vision of having a girl.

My son has actually asked if I'd have preferred him to be a girl. And I told him - honestly - that when I was pregnant I couldn't imagine being anything other than the mother of a girl, I really wanted a girl, but from the moment he was born it became abundantly clear that it wasn't about boy or girl. I became the mother of this gorgeous sunny charming energetic force of nature that matches my energy beat for beat. My partner in crime. Boy or girl is completely immaterial, and totally the wrong framing of any question. He is my beating heart on the outside, the sunshine of my life, and I would choose him in every alternative future. I was destined to be his mother.

By this point he's backing away slowly from the crazy lady... But genuinely. I don't think you'll feel any different about a girl than a boy. Not if the way you write about your boys is true. Genitals really don't factor in.

TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 15:55

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:52

I do yes!

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That's good.. Always look after your own interests.. Partner paying into a pension for you whilst you are not earning?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:54

TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 15:50

Do you have self esteem issues? Why don't you want more for yourself and your boys than just breeding and surviving? Don't you have any other dreams?

Children grow up and leave.

No self esteem issues. I have never had any dreams besides being a mum.

Sure I would love a big house and fancy holidays but thats not worth missing out on time with my kids so I gave it up.

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 12/05/2026 15:54

I already feel sad if you do and it's a baby boy. Also, off topic but assuming you are not married as you say partner, please please consider the financial risk of not working. He could walk out tomorrow and you'd have nothing. Please get married ASAP or plan to return to work once baby is a bit older.

BunnyLake · 12/05/2026 15:54

nam3c4ang3 · 12/05/2026 15:50

My husband is one of 4 boys... mil wanted a girl - didnt happen. Now she dotes on her granddaughters and the grandsons are largely ignored...

That is such a strange attitude. Apparently my great grandmother was like this but dismissive if girls and doting on the boys, but this was like 1900 or something. You’d think people would have got past that by now.

Mumstheword1983 · 12/05/2026 15:53

Hi OP. These feelings are natural. I have 4 girls. I would have loved a boy and felt like you after the first two girls.

However I have four girls now and absolutely love it. I have no desire for anything different. I am going to go against the grain and say if you want a third baby then go for it because I'm pretty sure you will be happy with whatever you have in the end. Everyone believes their family is perfect and complete (eventually) no matter the gender 🤩 good luck 🍀

Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:52

TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 15:51

I hope you at least own your home.

I do yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:52

EmpressaurusKitty · 12/05/2026 15:45

You keep saying ‘genders’ not sexes, which does imply that ‘girliness’ comes into it.

My grandmother wanted a boy and a girl. She got her girl on the 4th try & then stpppef but my dad & his younger brother (DCs 2 & 3) knew they were disappointments.

Are gender and sex not the same thing? A girl is a girl and a boy is a boy. That is their gender/sex?

Their personalities may not fit the sterotype for that gender/sex but that doesn't change it? I don't care about their personalities being stereotypical of their gender.

OP posts:
TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 15:51

I hope you at least own your home.

nam3c4ang3 · 12/05/2026 15:50

My husband is one of 4 boys... mil wanted a girl - didnt happen. Now she dotes on her granddaughters and the grandsons are largely ignored...

TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 15:50

Do you have self esteem issues? Why don't you want more for yourself and your boys than just breeding and surviving? Don't you have any other dreams?

Children grow up and leave.

Candlebook · 12/05/2026 15:49

If you could look into a crystal ball and see that your third will be a boy, and you’d still be happy to have a third, then yes, go ahead. If gazing into the future, seeing a boy and then choosing not to have that third child, then no, do not have another one.

lornad00m · 12/05/2026 15:49

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 13:44

I don't really have an pre made ideas. I wasn't a girly girl or anything like that. I just think I yearn for that complete feeling of having both genders.

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You're yearning for a girl? When you have a baby boy who's 8 weeks old?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:48

RubyHiker · 12/05/2026 15:46

You're an "overthinker" but haven't bothered thinking about sorting getting married, sorting your finances or building a life above the "basic" you said you can provide the children you already have.
Stop worrying about having a female child and work on your relationship and the kids you already have.

Getting married just hasn't been important and I can't change my finances unless I went to get a new career.

GP has sparked the conversation regarding another baby which is the only reason its on my mind so soon.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 12/05/2026 15:47

OneShyQuail · 12/05/2026 15:22

6 years between my two girls. Its been fab. Eldest was capable of helping when sister was a baby, and as they both grew eldest helped more, taught her sister things, I honestly think its made her more mature and also my youngest is super independent now.
Age 12 and 6, both up and ready for school themselves from age 10 and 4, they both go downstairs and start sorting cereal and fruit and doing their packed lunches.
By the time we get downstairs they are eating breakfast its fabulous. Makes mornings a breeze....my youngest learnt so much from my eldest and they have a lovely bond

Its nice too as my 12 year old still plays with her sister, so it keeps her young and innocent

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That’s lovely. My sister was a nightmare growing up. I really couldn’t live with her. She’s not ND but was very difficult to be around. My parents despaired of her. It’s taken decades for me to learn to take a deep breath and not flip. We get on pretty well now, age has finally mellowed her. I felt I missed out on having a nice sister growing up. She’s very intelligent and would treat every interaction like an Oxford Uni debate competition even when we were just kids, exhausting.

Didimum · 12/05/2026 15:47

That you are thinking this with an 8 week old boy is really problematic.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:47

BananaPeels · 12/05/2026 15:44

Why don’t you wait 2 years and see how you are financially etc and decide then. You might find you are happy as you are or you might want to try again but I think you should concentrate on the ones you have and then see how you feel later on.

I was always planning on waiting a couple of years. Its only because GP mentioned partner having a vasectomy to allow me not to be on contraception which sparked the question in my mind.

OP posts:
RubyHiker · 12/05/2026 15:46

You're an "overthinker" but haven't bothered thinking about sorting getting married, sorting your finances or building a life above the "basic" you said you can provide the children you already have.
Stop worrying about having a female child and work on your relationship and the kids you already have.

TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 15:45

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:41

Putting it ahead of reality would be doing it without thinking about it. If that was the case I wouldn't have put it on here for some perspective!

Having a family has been my only thought in life. I assume I am not at peace as it isn't as big as I would like.

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But the reality is, you cannot in any way control what happens, in the pursuit of nothing more than "I want"

Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:45

4timesthefun · 12/05/2026 15:35

I’d really recommend thinking a bit more deeply about what is driving the sense of needing a daughter for completeness. You keep repeating that you just imagined having boys and girls when you were a child, but I’m sure many many other things you considered as a child haven’t come true, or caused the same level of incompleteness. I saw myself (like many other kids) being a marine biologist when I was older. I’m not, nothing even remotely close to it. I certainly don’t feel incomplete, but I could lack give a much better answer about what was underneath that desire as a child.

There is 100% a reason or belief system underlying the desire for children of both sexes, that isn’t simply ‘my life won’t be complete if I haven’t seen both vulvas and penises when I do nappy changes’. I think to come to peace with the fact you may only see penises during nappy changes, it’s time to dig a bit deeper and challenge some of your thoughts and feelings around it. Honestly, I would never compromise the quality of life for my existing children to chase my own completeness, especially if it was just a childhood vision I had. It would be like me giving up my job and pursuing marine biology because that’s what I wanted as a kid. It wouldn’t be good for my current children to lose that income, and unless you are very financially stable, stretching your resources further will negatively impact your two existing children. You haven’t even hit the expensive stages of their existence yet, particularly if you don’t have huge childcare bills!

All I have ever thought about and dreamed of since I was about 14 was kids. I had no dreams for certain careers. No interest in travelling.

Its very hard to change something you have thought about for 15 years when its all you want. But I do know life doesn't care what I want and I have to think very carefully before making such a big decision hence the post.

OP posts:
DreamyScroller · 12/05/2026 15:45

ArtemisNutella · 12/05/2026 13:46

What if you have a girl and she doesn’t live up to your imagination of what being a girl is? I think that’s what a previous post is hinting at.

What is it about a girl that you want? Dresses? Long hair? Unicorns? Nail varnish? Glitter? What if your girl isn’t interested in any of that and loves worms and football? Or what if one of your existing boys grows up to love all things traditionally “girly”?

You have an 8 week old baby and a toddler. Just concentrate on what you have for now.

Are there no real differences between raising boys or raising girls, then? Obviously there are, and it has little to do with glitter or unicorns.

EmpressaurusKitty · 12/05/2026 15:45

You keep saying ‘genders’ not sexes, which does imply that ‘girliness’ comes into it.

My grandmother wanted a boy and a girl. She got her girl on the 4th try & then stpppef but my dad & his younger brother (DCs 2 & 3) knew they were disappointments.

Differentforgirls · 12/05/2026 15:44

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 15:20

They are 100% beings in their own right. That doesn't change wanting both?

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I have two boys and that's what I wanted. I have two wee cousins (girls), whom I love dearly and thought of them as my "girls", as did my husband. So I was happy with my two boys. Still am!

But I can see why you want a girl.

My sons now have partners and I can honestly say I love them and they love me.

It'll all work out in the end OP.

BananaPeels · 12/05/2026 15:44

Why don’t you wait 2 years and see how you are financially etc and decide then. You might find you are happy as you are or you might want to try again but I think you should concentrate on the ones you have and then see how you feel later on.