Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

@Vivi0 if you have involved parent they will know about your life, will have heard about your house, things you do there, have in it along with other aspects of your life, school, friends, clubs, favourite football team . This dad won’t have any if that so son wants to share what he can including his home

The majority of parents haven’t seen their children’s home with their other parent.

Why is this situation such an exception that he just needs to show his dad where he lives?

He doesn’t.

If he ever moves into uni halls - he is free to show his dad around them.

I’m on your DH side on this. He has raised this child financially suppressed him. His parents provided childcare for a grandchild not biologically theirs. They became family! And your ex has said they are not family? No I’d not be accepting that. It’s incredibly hurtful for your husband. He has no right to block a relationship with your ex and ds but that’s not what is happening here he’s saying meet outside the house. That’s completely reasonable!

it would be completely different if ex had been an active parent and you got on well with him and also wanted him to visit the house. I have two different fathers for my kids, the first is a terrible person and I’d never let him in my house he hasn’t earnt that by how he parents. The second even though he’s no longer my partner fully participates in raising his child and the step children he took on the father role for. If I ever had a new partner saying my youngsters dad couldn’t come in the house that I would push back on- but it wouldn’t happen because ex would have been in and out of the house from the start of any new relationship I got into.

the fact your son is in his 20s before this issue came up says it all. Ex should not be put over your current husband not for an adult child spouting this shit from his absent father

@Vivi0 that would be what normally happens when you already have a good relationship with both parents and can spend time at both houses. But it would appear that the dad hasn’t visited his son in 20 years and in fact had rarely seen him. In that instance I can understand the son wanting to show his dad his home, same way you would show your parents your uni halls. The dad will have very little knowledge of the son’s life over the last 20 years and so the son wants to show his dad his life which includes his home

Being told the house he lives in his mum’s and stepdad’s home.

But it is his mum and stepdad’s home. That is a fact. The son isn’t on the deeds and he doesn’t pay the mortgage.

What home does he have?

If you don’t have your own home as a young adult yet, then you live with your parents. Is anyone really under the delusion that their parent’s home is also theirs?

If you can’t decorate the lounge to your taste, or sell the house, it doesn’t belong to you. It’s that simple.

There is nothing upsetting or traumatising about this. It is a universal and normal part of life and growing up.

It would be very odd - and a bit sad - as a young adult not to feel free to bring guests into the home.

But this is the son’s father, not a friend or partner. And even then, I would expect the son to ask the homeowners if it is okay to invite a friend or partner over. It’s basic respect and courtesy.

In terms of what is very odd and what is not though, inviting your parent over to your other parent and step parent’s house to have a look around and spend time with you there, is very odd.

It’s especially odd when none of the adults have a good relationship or get on.

It is an odd request to make, and to have granted, and I can’t fathom why some posters are trying to normalise having your parent hang around in your other parent and step parent’s house. The father has his own home.

Why is it a bit sad for the son to do what every other child in a split family does - either visit his father at his own home, or plan a day out somewhere?

From the OP. Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here. Not quite ‘showing him his bedroom, but essentially the same sentiment.

And I’m not berating DS, I’m stating facts. OP updated with details of the shit stirring this man is already engaging in by trying to persuade DS that DH and his family don’t matter because they’re not ‘blood’. It’s utter nonsense and this alone entirely justifies why DH doesn’t want this waste of space in his home.

Didn’t you respond in one of my posts that no-one is berating the son. What do think you are doing?

And as far as I am aware the OP never mentioned that the son wants to show his dad his bedroom

Seconded. Absolute bollocks !!

DS is twenty, not five. Why on earth would he want to show his bedroom to the man who has chosen not to be part of his sons’ life until he’s reached adulthood and the hard work of bringing him up and providing a home and family has been done by someone else ? It’s DS who’s being an immature dick here by not respecting the feelings of the man who to all intents and purposes is actually his father.

I take it you have missed the OP’s update in which she says that bio dad is already shit stirring by telling DS that DH and his family are not ‘real’ family and he is, just because he has a biological connection. When in actual fact bio dad is nothing more than a sperm donor, who chose to abdicate his responsibilities to his son until it suited him not to. He doesn’t get to dictate to DH who does and does not come into his home.

And I’ll answer you again. I’ve no doubt that there will be an impact on DS, but he’s not a child, he’s an adult and old enough to appreciate why he can’t just ride roughshod over a perfectly reasonable objection from the man who actually raised him, and whose home he resides in.

The answer to your last question is that unless/until DS moves out into a home of his own, the reality is that he lives in the home provided by his parent and step parent, whose wishes regarding who does and does not enter that home, should be respected, just as he has respected the wishes of his biological father in not insisting on visiting his home.

You mentioned upthread that you are adopted. I appreciate that some of the comments here, including my own, may be triggering for you. But being an adopted child isn’t the same as living with a parent and step parent, with a second bio parent dipping in and out of your life whenever they feel like it.

The more i read on this the more i think DS is being manipulated by his sperm donor. Be very careful.

There are a few situations this man could conjour up which could put DH in a bad light. In your previous post you have already highlighted he doesnt believe DH and his parents are 'blood' so they dont count.

How about him provoking DH into a bad fall out in front of DS - DH becomes enemy no1

How about him encouraging DS to disrespect DH and his parents. - DH becomes enemy No1

How about him undermining any parenting barriers you already have in place - DH becomes enemy No1 when he refuses to buckle.

It just doesnt make sense that the sperm donor, if his motives are good to not want to cause as little disruption for you guys as possible. He could have killed it off in seconds. "nah son, lets meet at mine. You could stay a couple of days and get to know my family first". "nah son, i dont want any uncomfortable feelings at YOUR home. I will book a hotel and we can meet up for a couple of days. Let me show things are sound with us for a while then we can see if your FATHER can cut me some slack".

Al reasonable things to happen.

@Tessasanderson I would say it is pretty similar where the son and dad are concerned. Trauma for the son being rejected by his dad. OP and her DH need to recognise this. In fact I would say it is even harder for the son than me being adopted as he has seen his birth dad start a new family without letting his eldest son be part of it. How crap is that? But the son wants to have a relationship with him and OP and her DH need to be there to help him through this. If this involves a cup of tea in DS’s home how hard is that compared to what the son has been through knowing his dad has been shit and pretty much abandoned him

Bollocks.

Your DH is being an immature dick and he needs to grow up.

Entirely understandable that your DS wants to show him his home and bedroom.

If ex hadn’t said this and current DH was being arsey for the sake of it and seeing bio dad then definitely I’d tell stepdad to grow up. But that’s not the case.

Yes that’s very fishy. Bio dad should be inviting his son up to his house.

The above (when I met my bio dad aged 13), I (and my DB) was invited over a lot and treated like family by my stepmum and her family.

No. In that case, I stand corrected.

I take it you haven’t read her latest post in which ex says stepdad and his parents aren’t proper relatives but he, the ex is, because he’s bio.

Is this really comparable?

Your adoptive parents (Hero's) dont know your birth parents. This is not an adoption away from both birth parents.

In my eyes this is nothing like the same

Based on this he can F off and meet his son elsewhere. Your DH is right about your ex.

This is a supposed adult you married? Tell him to grow the hell up. He came into a family with a child (at the time) who had a different parent. He deals with it.

@ThreadGuardDog I’ll ask you again what impact do you think that would have on the son? Not being invited to his dad’s house. Being told the house he lives in his mum’s and stepdad’s home. What home does he have?

Your 20 year old sounds very young for his age. Is there sen at play or is he particularly anxious? At 20 I'd expect them to meet for a coffee or pint and just have a chat. It's your dh's home too and he has a right to say the ex is not welcome. Your son isnt a baby, they can meet outside.