Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

DH is the adult and needs to do what is uncomfortable for him. None of this is your son's fault.

Why? It’s his house too. The “h” can go out if he doesn't want to meet him. What does he think’s going to happen?

Sorry if ive missed it, but does he not want to come over because its your ex (which is childish) or does he not want him to come over because your ex has been a shit absent father and it would make DH feel awkward in his own home having to play nice to a man who abandoned his son? (Which is fair enough)

Ds had just quite matter of fact said “my dad is coming to visit on bla bla day and so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…

Is there not a nice pub or restaurant nearby?

I don't think your DH is being unreaonable not wanting your ex in the house - but nor DS wanting to see his distant dad somewhere comfortable isn't unreasonable.

A neutral location is probably going to be easier for everyone - food drink toilets parking- at 20 it is not really necessary for the ex to see his DS bedroom or where he lives.

In the social areas downstairs in our house I have people I don't know well or somecase actually like - but I'd be miffed if they went upstairs to our bedroom and don't really like them using upstairs family bathroom as there's a perfectly good one downstairs. It's how I feel and that were my boundary is - clearly your DH has one that starts at his front door.

I am also surprised so many PP think DH should ‘grow up’ personally I think the 20 year old man needs to grow up and meet his Dad outside of the house somewhere neutral if he wants a relationship with him.

So you think the man who has raised DS as his own and provided a home for him because his natural father basically couldn’t be arsed, should have no opinion on where they meet, and no say as to who comes into his home ? I don’t think it’s DH who needs to grow up here.

It’s the son’s house too. DH needs to behave like an adult.

DH quite reasonably doesn't want a stranger coming over into your home. Absolutely none of you have any idea of what this man is like.

He's not a 'stranger' to the OP, who had a child and probably a relationship with him, or to the OP's DS, who keeps in touch with him by phone and has met him periodically down the years! Two of the three people in the house know this man and either want him to visit, or don't mind if he does, for the sake of the DS.

The OP's DH will have to get over himself. He doesn't get a veto on visitors.

It's a clash between adult DS and his step dad and not really for you to resolve except by encouraging them to talk to each other and reach a compromise. Could your ex come in for 10 minutes to see DS's bedroom then go out to a cafe with DS? Could DS meet him somewhere else this time and come to the house next time, if there is a next time? I imagine DH is feeling protective of his own relationship with DS and pissed off with the stay away dad. Perhaps DS needs to hear that.

I wouldn’t welcome the ex husband into the house. They can go out for dinner quite easily.

I think it’s weird, sorry. Why does your son want to “show him where he lives”?

I would say that in the case of a 20 year old adult son, this your and your DH’s home. What if your ex decides to bring his wife to your house to visit DS, would you be comfortable with that?

Your DS will presumably be moving out soon ant 20? and does he bring all his friends home to visit with? Is there a reason he can’t meet in a pub or a restaurant?

I am with your DH it would be strange to have ex in your house visiting. It is weird that your ex would want to come to your house! Overall, if anyone in the house is not comfortable with someone visiting their house then the visit should not be allowed. You don’t why you have not thought about that and are okay to have your DH uncomfortable in his own home.

Has DS actually met his dad before?

lot of posters saying he is an adult etc but if this is the first time or first time in a long time, its kind of understandable he wants it to be somewhere he feels comfortable.

but also Team DH cos it sounds like he has been dad for 20 years, its his home too and he is meant to just let this deadbeat dad into his family home.

OP felt you made excuses for the dad not having seen his son etc, having another family is not an excuse. Your DH might not biologically be your sons dad but it sounds like he very much stepped in & raised him as a son & well you can understand why he doesn’t want to break bread with a loser.

Your son clearly wants to do this at home so he has your support but I think that maybe dad should come collect his son, maybe come in for a cup of tea but then they should go out if son feel comfortable.

DH quite reasonably doesn't want a stranger coming over into your home. Absolutely none of you have any idea of what this man is like. DS is presuming that he's wanting to be nice but what if he isn't. What if he is angry with you and wants to vent? You just dont know anything about him! You don't even know how you are going to feel seeing him after all this time. It's a lot of emotion to load

For all the team DS people, if the tables were turned I reckon everyone would be be different if DH suddenly turned around and said "I am going to let my ex that I haven't seen for 20 yrs come over to hang out for the day in our home"

Yes it's DS home but you all know nothing about how this will pan out. Meet somewhere neutral for the first time. Then if things go well and progress, potentially look at a managed visit.

I find it a bit odd that the dad wants to come to your place when he's barely shown up for his son all this time and you've happily moved on. I'm team DH here. Why can't a 20YO go for a coffee with him or to the pub?

This

This.

Dh needs to give his head a wobble

Far better to meet somewhere neutral and not at your house. I'm on your dh's side here too. Once your son has his own house, he can invite whoever he chooses.

Is the dad going ro be staying at your place? If so, I'm with your DH.
BUT this doesn't seem to be the case... if he is just visiting for a few hours a couple of days and your DH is so uncomfortable he can go out of the house forthat time

I think this is quite perceptive and needs consideration

Yes I did think this too.

He's a 20 year old man, he'll know why his step-dad feels awkward.

There are loads of places they could go to meet up.

Also for people saying the son needs to grow up, can I offer a different perspective. DS (who yes, is 20 not 5) doesn't really know his dad, so might be anxious/nervous about meeting up for the first time in years. Perhaps having him come to the family home with his mum and stepdad present, feels like the safest place to do it. Obviously he won't say that, he'll say its to show him his room etc, but as someone who's child's father was absent for many years, I've seen the impact it can have. When they finally met up, he was literally shaking with nerves, worry and expectation.

It might get a bit awkward for a first meeting. Could your son meet him in town for coffee or somewhere neutral. Then his dad can drop him home and pop in for 5 mins to see his room if all goes well?

That way he is still seeing your son’s room but no awkward chit chat and it’s short and sweet?

That was my first thought, dad doesn’t want to spend even a single penny on this visit.

I’m totally with your DH on this. Your DS needs to go out and see his dad elsewhere.