Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

You're 'D' H is being a territorial selfish arsehole. You can (and should) say yes so that will be two against one. If you're H doesn't like it, he doesn't have to be there when your DS's father visits. He can be out for the day, can't he? Your voting options are not clear, you haven't explained them, so I cannot vote. But you need to put that selfish arsehole H in his place and tell him it's your son's house too, and no one is forcing him to be there for the visit, he can go visiting mates for the day or see family or something. Side with your son, not your selfish arsehole husband. Put your foot down and nip H's behaviour in the bud now.

Its still the OP’s child & the man is his biological sperm giver not his father. He doesn’t get to hold that title given the lack of fathering.

i was responding to a specific poster & what they said. Just because he is 20 doesn’t mean his parents should stop parenting him, the fact he wants to invite him to the house where he feels safe shows this.

Not really into responding to emotively manipulative people so I am going to ignore the second & irrelevant part.

Your ex is visiting his adult son, he doesn't need to being in your house

There is no need for your sons dad to enter the house, your son is old enough to realise this is not a reasonable thing to demand, he’s not 6 years old wanting his dad to see his new bedroom paint! Your son can meet his dad elsewhere

Your partner is behaviour is emotionally immature. Sorry you’ve got to experience that from him ☹️ State your points clearly and if it’s a democratic vote by majority, he just got outvoted. Oh well, you win some, you lose some

If you don’t mind him visiting then your DH needs to get over himself and put up with it. It’s reasonable that your DS would want to welcome a visitor into his home. Your DH does need to grow up, sorry. He can always sit in another room or go out.

I would think it reasonable For DS’s dad to come to the communal areas (such as kitchen / lounge) whilst you and DH go out for a couple of hours. Not reasonable for his dad to go upstairs etc.

There are lots of places they can go if the weather is poor - cafes are generally open long hours, for example. Otherwise, you're suggesting that the deadbeat, absent dad spend HOURS in your home, making your DH uncomfortable (pp suggesting "DH needs to go out" - that's utterly unreasonable!) and probably you, too. What are you both supposed to do whilst this long meeting after all these years takes place? Are you supposed to cater for him?

Agree with dh. Meet him at a pub. Its also your husband's home and he's brought your son up.

Do we know how long DH has been in DS’s life?

I have not yet seen DS’s accommodation for 3rd year at uni, he is keen for me to see it before he moves out. It has been his home for a large part of the year.

Maybe OP’s DS would like a more normal relationship with his dad, and that will include showing him where he lives (making up for the fact he wasn’t able to show him when younger)

I live in a rough area but the pubs here are still very safe and lovely.

The DS is 20 - if he can't pick a safe location in his area I'm sure OP his Mum could pop along somewhere neutral with him.

Ok but for fucks sake I think OP would have mentioned that.

It's not a child, it's a grown man and it's not a stranger, it's the man's father.

It would seem to be OK for a 20-year old to meet a date in a pub or cafe, or are you suggesting those should take place in the family home too?

Whilst I can see both sides, i would also be uncomfortable with what is essentially a stranger coming into my house and as it is a first visit I also agree with others that it should really be at a neutral place. I could understand more if it was a house your son owned but this is a family home of which the ex hasnt seen in 20+ years

Yep, me too 100%.

Yes it is safe space. But is this man safe? No one knows. I wasnt at all referencing jealousy it was about security and risk and what is appropriate with strangers

At 20 your DS is absolutely old enough to understand why this is awkward for his stepdad and he should have asked. There are many places that can go - pub, restaurant, park for a walk etc. I’m on DH side on this one.

He’s not a stranger, he’s DS’s biological father. And DS is not a child, he’s 20, a grown man. Where is the care for the poor bloke who actually brought him up and is clearly not comfortable with this man coming into his home ?

Team DH.

Why is it weird ? DH was key in bringing DS up and helping provide him with a home. It’s entirely understandable that he would object to Disney dad wanting to come into his home and reconnect with his son, having done none of the work involved in bringing him to adulthood. It’s nothing to do with being ‘manly’. It’s about respect. And neither DS or OP seem to have any for DH if they’re expecting him to just blithely accept the insult.

That’s a good point @YourWildAmberSloth

So you would want your child to go meet a stranger in a cafe/pub/park where they might not feel safe.

lovely caring parenting there

Absolutely this. Minimal effort from ‘dad’ at the emotional expense of the man who helped bring DS up and provide him with a home. It’s a kick in the teeth for DH and l really don’t understand why posters are encouraging it.

Why should the man who brought up DS as his own, have to leave his own home to facilitate a visit from the man who abdicated all parental responsibility until his son was a grown adult ? It may be DS’s home, but DH helped provide that home, along with his input in a parenting role. It’s the equivalent of saying ‘thanks for everything but dad’s back now’. And I’d bet the farm that’s exactly how DH is being made to feel. It’s insulting and tone deaf.