Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

I think it would be better for everyone to meet somewhere neutral

A parent should always put their child first, no matter what age they are. This seems a simple request to fulfil.

You mean like the bio dad did? How come if it's that simple?

If there was a CAO for biological father to spend time with his son would anyone expect him to be entertained in the mother and stepfather's home? No, bio-father would pick his son up and take him out.
What's different here?

Maybe OP’s DS would like a more normal relationship with his dad, and that will include showing him where he lives (making up for the fact he wasn’t able to show him when younger)

And whose fault was it that he couldn't do it when he was younger? Not OP's DH. Rather her ex who decided his new family was more important, who only managed to see his son around 12 times in 20 years - and then only because the DS travelled to him. I wonder where they met on those 12 times? Not the ex's new home and family I bet.

Hopefully OP isn’t as heartless as you.

A parent should always put their child first, no matter what age they are. This seems a simple request to fulfil.

Yeah I wouldn’t want my husbands ex in my home either. Your son is more than old enough to meet him elsewhere.

Your husband needs to get over it. Its a one off. Your son has barely seen his Dad over the years so I dont expect it will be a regular event.
I would try to speak to your husband as a one off situation, but if he really cant suck it up for one day for the sake of your son, then I guess alternative arrangements need to be made

I think the first visit can be facilitated in the home, so DS can show where he lives (as it is his home) and then going forward visits can be elsewhere. I don't think a straight no is fair to start with.

There is literally no reason why they need to have contact in the home. I could understand more if DS was a child, but he’s not.

If DS met someone online dating and wanted to invite them round the family home for the first time they meet because he’s nervous must that also be facilitated because he wants to?

Oh and I guess DH and OP can just bugger off out if they feel uncomfortable about it because it’s the DS home too…..? No it doesn’t work like that. Meet in a pub or cafe and any neutral place like adults do.

So, you think that the OP and her DH should reasonably be expected to accommodate SS’s deadbeat father if, going forwards, the SS wished to start inviting him over for dinner once a week, or similar?

Your Ex doesn't need to visit your home to see your adult son. They should meet up elsewhere for lunch or dinner or have your son go and see him in his town.

@MiaKulper and he is the older adult, who if he has looked after this lad and cares for him should be able to support him and help manage his meetings with his dad.

@PixieTales it's the son's home too. He has no other home

It's the DH's home too and he may have paid for at least half of it.

I think I’m on your DH’s side with this one. Your DS’s father has seen him a dozen times in 20 years!? I think first meeting definitely needs to be somewhere in the middle - a pint or a coffee somewhere is absolutely fine. This man is technically a stranger. He might want to see where DS lives, but he’s had 20 years to do this and although it’s your DS’s home, it’s also your DH’s and I don’t feel he should be told to grow up and leave for the day as others have suggested.

If the relationship develops then discuss him coming to your house but I’d be on your DH’s side until then.

Literally this.

Even when the Step Parent has brought them up

Even when the SC is no longer a child

Even when the Step Parent owns their own home

Nope still not allowed to have boundaries and express feelings without being labelled ‘immature’ and ‘jealous’.

If the Son feels that nervous about meeting up with his Bio Dad in a mutual setting then he can bring a friend/partner/other family member for moral support….This should not and does not need to be facilitated in DHs & OPs home.

Most people accept that adopted children suffer trauma from being separated from their birth parents, no matter how loving their adopted parents are. Stepkids, especially like this one who has had a pretty absent father, don't seem to be afforded that same acceptance that this could cause trauma.

On balance I would say that your DH feelings take priority here as your son is an adult and this is not his permanent home. He is capable of meeting elsewhere.

Of course it’s his permanent home till he gets his own place. He’s not a lodger!

@MiaKulper most posts re stepkids say they shouldn't expect bedrooms etc in their stepmum's house because they have a home with their mum. This is this person's home and he is being told he can't invite his dad to visit. So not really his home then either. He has already spent most of his life without his dad. It's not the son's fault his dad has been absent. I am sure it wasn't his wish that his dad would be absent and he would be brought up by another man. Is this the life he would have wished for, to be abandoned by his dad. For that dad to start another family. Yes his wishes have come first, not!

This is clearly a big thing for your son, as it sounds like he has had very little face-to-face time with his Father throughout most of his life. Could it be that he is very apprehensive about meeting up with him, and therefore wants to feel safe in his own home?

I do understand how your husband may be feeling, but I think he needs to put himself in the shoes of your son in this instance. Perhaps the first time your son needs the sanctuary of home as the meeting place, and if all goes well, next time he may feel happy meeting his Father on more neutral territory.

I’d not have him in my house ever.

DS can meet him at a neutral place where the poor excuse for a father can actually pay for a lunch and coffee out for his son. And then probably disappear again for 20years.

This is MN and step-parents must put their step-children's wishes first on every occasion imaginable.

So, she shouldn’t entertain her husband (who has taken on a father role to her son and provided for him his entire life) setting a boundary to not have her son’s actual deadbeat in their home.

But she should 100% entertain deadbeat dad, who has taken zero interest in her son for his entire life, despite going on to have another family.

That sounds reasonable.

There is definitely a self-centered man in the picture, but it’s not her husband.

Yes you were responding to me when I said this man is a stranger to DH not the DS who as others have pointed out many times is not a child he’s a 20 year old adult man.

If he doesn’t feel safe meeting his biological Dad then that’s even more reason why he shouldn’t be coming round the family home, and probably not even meeting him at all!

Thats DH safe space too. I would actually be feeling pretty upset and unsupported if I was him in this scenario.

Dh isn’t willing to shake hands and forget that he has been there in his absence and then after hearing all his excuses he’ll probably say how proud he is of the son he put no effort into raising

And you think he’s wrong? Why?