Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

I don't think it's up to dh to accommodate ds absolutely useless father. I wouldn't blame him for feeling uncomfortable and resenting his appearance.

Why can't father have your son to visit his house?

He's referred to dh and dh family as not even family? Wow I see he's going out of his way to ingratiate himself.

At 20 years old, this isnt a delicate situation. He still lives at home so has to abide by his parents rules, meaning you and dh not ex. When he gets his own place, he can have deadbeat dad of the year around whenever he wants.

I'm sorry but no . You need to respect your husbands wishes here .there is no need for your adult son to have him in your house. Id completely see the point from a co-parenting perspective if he where younger but from what you've wrote your ex isn't much of a dad so why now should you accommodate. Your not teaching your adult son healthy boundaries whatsoever. It's his dad's fault for not being present enough to care about his own flesh and blood and has prioritised his other family over your son and has been from the sounds of it breadcruming him .

After the 'not real family' comment I wouldn't let this guy in my home.

You can say exactly the same for the DS.

Nope, I've read them. DH feels overlooked in favour of a father that contributed nothing.
DH needs to figure that out and not have it negatively impact DS.
Feeling a certain way in normal, allowing it to negatively impact others is optional.

Clearly you have not even bothered to read the thread or the ops updates

Assuming there's no personal safety reasons why DH doesn't want him there, DH needs to grow up.

Sums it up nicely.

The would make me significantly less torn. If he can’t at least be polite and respectful acknowledge the role that your DH is taken. I’m bringing him up then I wouldn’t want him in my house regardless of what DS said.

I really think you need to have your DH’s back on this one.

No chance my ex would be walking in to my home whether DC wanted to or not. At 20, your DS is capable of a relationship with his dad OUTWITH his home.
not sure why ex would want to come in to your home anyway 🥴 never mind the comments to his child (now a grown man!) about how the man and family that have actually seen him grow up “isn’t family”…. Tell the man to take a hike and if your son wishes to see him it has to be outwith!

Agreed, as I said previously I’d be calling into question my relationship with the OP (and the son!).

DS strikes me as an inconsiderate thoughtless man

OP seems like a leaf in the wind. “Yeah, whatever”

DH… well, he deserves better than all this

Agreed! The complacency is unreal! Maybe this is why the DS has such low standards that he thinks it’s acceptable to have the sperm donor in the family home.

The DH thank god, has some standards and given the whole situation a hard no!

If I was your DS dad I would suggest somewhere neutral. It would be strange to enter the home of my ex and her partner when I haven’t seen them in 20 years. Especially that DS is an adult. Who was the one who suggested meeting at your home? I note he’s not welcoming his DS into his home is he?

The ex who hasn't been there for his own son says this about the man and his family who raised him? Yeah I wouldn't want him in my house either! Also he is 20 not a child so no reason he needs to be in the home and seeing his room.
They can absolutely meet in a cafe or something, nice weather doesn't matter.

I'm not the one calling a person a 'weirdo' or a 'sad little loser'. Those names you call me are a reflection on you, not me. You're obsessed with me. Please leave me alone.

@heartmyheart I really do wonder if you underestimate what it has taken for your husband to bring up another man's child?

And now, because "you are neutral" you will allow your ex deadbeat to waltz into the home you and your husband have built with your son?

Your son is old enough to meet his Dad on neutral territory, outside, and you should not allow him to barge his way into the safe space that you and your husband have created for your boy.

I am somewhat surprised that you are so passive about it all, can you really not see how and why this is adversely affecting your husband @heartmyheart?

Choose your side very carefully.

Your the one obsessing over this thread which again I pointed out upthread.

It’s not healthy.

You can call me whatever names you like but it doesn’t mean anything.

If you haven't read Talk Guidelines you shouldn't be posting on this site. Your posts come across as extremely aggressive, disrespectful and very unhinged. Which is why I imagine you've been reported. You sound like you need anger management help.

" you sad little loser"

"weirdo"

Your words certainly are very aggressive and full of anger and hate. There is no need to be so abusive and nasty. Nor obsess over me.

I wonder why he's your ex!
I would be rather concerned that he is up for developing a relationship with your son if he's like this.

I wouldn’t be aware of the ‘guidelines’ but I’ve read all your posts and you come across as aggressive and disrespectful which is why you stood out to me like a similar poster on this same thread.

It isn't even physically possible to change your name mid thread on Mumsnet. They will tell you. And, that is troll hunting which is against the guidelines on Mumsnet. All you've done is post unhinged abuse and attacks and accusations.

I don't believe that adopted = trauma 100% of the time. Perhaps myself, my brother, my 2 adopted cousins, and 1adopted aunt are unusual in that none of us feel we have experienced any 'trauma' at being adopted.

As far as 'other threads' this is not a case of either the step-dad or his parents not accepting and treating DS as 'one of their own' per OP's own words ("Dh has worked full time and his parents have provided childcare for Ds so they very much felt they were family"), so those threads aren't really relevant.

You're right, we don't know how the son views DH and DH's parents. But we know how they feel about him.