AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

Don't use how much your DD12 eats as something to be punished, it will likely set up bad habits around food. Why didn't you divide the side up. Presumably the film could have been stopped whilst you did this?

Yet she was fine until her mother (who has an issue with her older sister’s eating) asked her about it. Do you think 11yo are incapable of seeing opportunities to get their sibling into trouble?

She is presumably going to be going to senior school soon and needs to be able to do conflict resolution with her peers

You are having a sideways swipe at me but you know full well I was exaggerating slightly to make a point. MN is full of competitive undereating and children who won’t touch anything other than water, fruit and veg.

Most people I know eat a balance of largely healthy food with some crap.

Outside of the cozy middle class world of MN, I don’t believe children are feeling hard done by if they don’t get enough edamame beans.

Plus how do you overeat on a portion of vegetables.

The rule in our family when they were young, was one divides/serves and the other chooses which plate they want. However, I suppose you had better be there in future incase of bullying.

Some of the language being used here about a child eating a few extra beans is shocking. Greedy, scoffing, stealing. She is none of these things. As for making her buy a treat to give to her sister is just outrageous. This is a sure way to damage not only your relationship with you daughter but to damage their relationship too. Next time order them a side each or portion up the meal first. The most you need to do is have a conversation about sharing and being fair and then swiftly move on.

You’re shocked so many responses have suggested calling a 12 year old greedy isn’t acceptable, and that making such a huge issue about food is a really bad idea for a pre-teen girl?

If she is very bad at sharing with her sister, address that without making an issue about food. TBH having had a sister that close in age with a mother who decided everything must be “fair”, having to always share all the time was not only bad for both of us at the time but is one of the things we still both resent her for.

You knew she had this issue, but rather than take a couple of minutes to sort it so ti didn’t happen, you felt watching a movie was more important. Instead of focusing on what you could have done, you want to punish your child. Top tier parenting there. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Also, it's OK for people to cry if they are sad! Dear god, why not? We are talking about children.

Actually no. I'm vegan so my meals don't consist of meat and potatoes. I do eat sushi as well (vegan) but I would probably eat it as a snack rather than for a takeaway (very few places around here would do sushi and edamine for a takeaway. Tofu yes, sushi no).

I eat plenty of food that's not British for the record

I am going on what the Op said.

Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

OP noticed the older one (who has form) had eaten more than her share and asked the younger one (who presumably had been fine until then) if she had had any. Younger one then bursts into tears.

What is difficult to understand? The older one can have been selfish and the younger one could have turned on the waterworks. So both things can be true.

I don't know. Edamame beans have always been an easy way of getting veg in, in this house. They are fun to eat and a bit salty. I can absolutely imagine the children I know and feed feeling hard done by and sad if they didn't get many of them at that age.

You probably won't get any more sense out of this thread, @SongsOfSongs , what with the usual 'some people are claiming sushi fills you up for weeks' (when nothing of the kind has been said) and 'they'd probably rather have chips' (because some people seem unable to understand that not all children are particularly fussed about chips and the meal just didn't, on this occasion, have any in it) contingent.

Perhaps unpopular opinion but this sounds like your fault, ultimately. If things are to be shared exactly 50/50, you should be separating them as such and not providing a distraction so they eat without being mindful.

I also thought from the OP it would be something easy to keep track of (like pieces of chicken) but bloody edamame?? You make it sound like she nicked half a garlic bread!

As someone who was 28 stone at my heaviest and spent years in therapy for BED, I'm afraid to say you sound a lot like my mother. I know exactly what it's like to be a skinny, rapidly developing 12 year old who is always hungry, who gets labelled as "greedy" by parents. It led to me eating secretly, whenever and whatever I could, just to fill up without the shame of being told off by my mother. As soon as I got my own place to live and own money I was completely addicted to binge eating. Everything spiralled from there and I developed serious health issues that affect me to this day.

I'm saying this because I think you're at a crucial point in her development where you need to be aware of this shaming and nip it right in the bud.
Wouldn't you rather a daughter who eats her own separate pot of edamame over a daughter who hates herself? Just buy 2 ffs. If she's constantly hungry, you're not feeding her enough.

Back to your question - Punishment over food is a slippery slope. Yes she did something wrong, but you've made it into a multi-day shame event. I don't think this helps either daughter. Don't set them up to be in competition for food again. You've said it happens a lot - You're enabling it.

Well maybe they should have bought more examine beans. Obviously

Can you quote whoever said that? Or do you think you’re just being funny?

I know you lot probably think the only real dinners consist of meat and a pile of potatoes but there is a whole world of food out there, which makes really great meals.

There is nothing wrong with a meal consisting of sushi. You will then need another meal at the next appropriate meal time. But anyone who says anything not British gets this sarcastic nonsense on mumsnet all the time.

Scoffing a huge amount of food? The edible part is slightly larger than a frozen pea and there are usually 2 or at most 3 in a pod. Do you really think that 3 teaspoons of peas instead of 2 teaspoons of peas is hugely conspicuous overeating?

I don't think they would do it in someone else's house.

That's your opinion. We don't know enough about the entire family dynamic tbh. The OP suggested that the older sister has taken food from the younger one previously

I would be more worried about the impact on the younger daughter. There has to be a consequence of some type to be fair.

The eldest daughter was thoughtless and unkind. Learning to share is something 12 year olds understand. What about if they go to dinner at someone's house?

You've assumed the younger child turned on the waterworks when the OP has alluded to the older child being selfish with food on more than one post

But the dynamic here is clear. DD2 knows that if she turns on the waterworks DD1 will get into trouble. OP is quite unkind about DD1 and harshly holds her to account whilst pandering to DD2 and absolving her of any responsibility. There's not a chance that both the DDs don't know that OP will always take DD2's side and DD1 will always be scapegoated.

The same one that claim their children would rather eat sushi and edamame beans than chips and sweets 🤣

I’m an intelligent and well read woman. But you are confusing me -- I know the older kid hasn’t been punished. I didn’t mention any punishments that have already been given.

The younger child turned on the waterworks and then the older one apologised and she is now in trouble and OP is deciding whether to punish.

I really don't know what size they got as they didn't say. But I stand by saying I don't think sushi is filling. The fact that the elder child ate all the edamine beans apart from two might bear that out

You said, “unless you get one of those big packs”, and they very clearly would have got a big set of sushi, because it was their dinner. You could say the same about literally any type of food, it’s not filling if you only get a small amount, but filling if you get a lot. I just find it strange the number of people in this thread who seem to be assuming OP didn’t get a dinner-sized portion of sushi for their dinner…

Same. Very mumsnet.

The OP hasn't punished anyone yet. She's just thinking of the punishment to give
Again. The Op could have left it with a sorry being sufficient.