AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

This is nuts. You think DD2 should be punished for not controlling her older sister's inappropriate selfishness? Really peculiar.

Yet again, you're not addressing DD2's poor behaviour or the part she plays in this with the age inappropriate waterworks, whilst demonising DD1 for being greedy/unkind/selfish, despite DD1's mature and reasononable reaction of instantly apologising and being remorseful.

BOTH children were responsible for sharing, snd BOTH children failed to do this because they got distracted and didn't track what their sister was eating in relation to themselves. Either they BOTH deserve to be punished for their inattention, or neither of them do.

The only thing I would do here is (away from DD2's ears) have a gentle chat with DD1about sharing and ask whether she thinks a portion each (or at least a full portion for her) is more appropriate now they're older. And (away from DD1's ears) have a gentle chat with DD2 about being more age appropriate and responsible in her response to minor issues.

This is about two senior school aged children (or near enough) and a lot of drama.

The thing with eating while watching a movie is you do it mindlessly & compulsively - think about how people consume popcorn at a cinema.

DD1 apologised, it sounds like she felt bad about it once she realised. Personally I would not have intervened by pointing out that she'd eaten too many beans and left them to sort it out between them, it sounds like there's a dynamic of you intervening to 'protect' DD2 and this is really bad for their relationship - it will build up resentment and otherness.

I think that if you can afford sushi takeout you can afford a portion each of one of the cheapest dishes - the edamame - given your daughters love it. I would never scrimp on giving my kids vegetables. I would also not say things to make a daughter in particular feel guilty around food.

It is amazing how many people are deliberately missing the point.

If OP had bought a bag of 30 jelly beans and DD12 had eaten 28, when she was meant to share equally with her sister, would we all be saying 'it's fine, don't punish her, you'll give her an eating disorder'?

If it wasn't food, would everyone think it was okay for DD12 to be selfish? What if both daughters liked colouring? Let's say OP bought 10 colouring sheets, and asked DD12 to share them equally, only to then see she'd coloured 8 herself and given 2 to her sister? Would we tell OP not to enforce a consequence, just because DD11 'should have said something'?

This isn't about hunger, it's about a child who is plenty old enough to understand fairness being selfish. At the least, she was careless and unthoughtful, which can create pretty horrid people unless dealt with early.

There should be a consequence. Doesn't mean it's a punishment.

This is an awful thing to do, encouraging tit for tat revenge behaviour.

DD12 just needed a 'hey, you've eaten then all, that was a bit thoughtless what about your sister?'

'Sorry mum'

And everyone moves on with mum doing the portions next time. If DD11 is still upset maybe she can have a small extra treat 'to make up for it' - but not one taken from her sister.

Encouraging revenge between siblings is going to escalate any conflict and appear that mum is taking the younger ones side which will just fuel resentment.

Dragging spats out for days isn't helpful, even for adults issues are best dealt with at the time or as near as possible.

I doubt very much that DD12 doesn't know or understand that she shouldn't have taken them all, it just sounds like thoughtless munching in front of the t v, like lots of adults do.

Maybe OP should stop eating in front of movies temporarily if this is a problem, to encourage mindful eating in the DDs.

I suggest therapy for the 12 year old to understand if she’s developing an eating disorder or another emerging disorder where she is simply lacking the ability to control herself.

Have you actually spoken to her about her selfishness? Not specifically about the food, but about selfishness. Using this as an example obviously but just in general, her self centred behaviour and excuse of “I didn’t mean it” when she 100% knew what she was doing.

It sounds like maybe you need to readjust your views of how much food she requires if she's not overweight and you think she's eating too much. If she's thin she's not eat in NH too many calories. I wouldn't be at all annoyed by mine eat in ng too many edamame, I'd get them a portion each next time. Love and learn

Why not just get them their own sides? Why do they have to share? If her weight is unhealthy, this needs addressing but in a different less punitive way.

That was implied in the ‘provide bigger portions and support effective sharing’ suggestion.
the eldest child seems to be getting a lot of stick for this non event, the mum said this was already a known issue, ergo why not just take better control of the situation before it blew up

I don't think you need to punish kids with food. If a child is a bit greedy, I think just explaining that they have to share equally is enough.

Tbh I was a greedy teenager and my mum did have to drill it into me to share food because I had serious food aggression! I do think she is probably capable of sharing but a bit thoughtless. Sharing food is still something that doesn’t come naturally to me but my mum trained me 😂

@Holidaymodeon

”the mum needs to let this shit go , be kind and thoughtful to the older child”

And ignore the younger child - is that your logic?

There’s a lot of hand wringing going on from a lot people jumping to a lot of conclusions.

OP, however much the edamame cost, take that out of her pocket money and then give it to her sister for her to buy what she wants with it. Or, alternatively, next time, your 12 yr old gets no takeaway. I have no truck with permissive parenting, and a lot of the hand wringing is permissive parenting rather than gentle parenting.

I tend to subscribe to “if you won’t play nicely/share nicely/use it properly then you won’t have it at all”. Real life in the adult world has consequences based on this premise absolutely everywhere. Drive like a dick? Lose your license. Take the piss at work? Lose your job. We’re doing them no favours by making them think that consequences don’t exist.

Food is a gift, and the eldest, as said, is being greedy. Allowing the eldest to over consume is dreadful, iIt eads to the 'I want, I take'. It will also breed discontent in the younger child.
The mother, as the provider, is responsible for divvying up food, and so prevent eating issues in the future.
I speak as I have had 60 years of experience.

is that half a brain in the room with us?

Surely it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that this is an estimate and that eating 90% of any portion that is intended to be shared between two people is a bit mean?

Nobody has mentioned kid size portions! Half a portion of edamame seems reasonable for an adult. And it is about being thoughtful, not about the food.

Do they always give exactly 30 pieces? Who’s counting this? Do chips get counted when they are meant to be shared?

only on mumsnet would there be a twenty page thread filled with comments about a twelve year old with ‘disordered eating’ , need for ‘consequences’ and being ‘greedy’ for eating too many green beans.

jack and the beanstalk reworked for the modern age.

poor kids though, the whole thing sounds incredibly overwrought.
depends on the child, but all my kids could no longer be appeased by kid size portions of anything by the ages of 11/12.
they were very sporty and energetic and the cost of eating out skyrocketed.

the mum needs to let this shit go , be kind and thoughtful to the older child and stop using words like greedy out of context, and support more effective sharing in future as well as bigger portions / more sides.

My bad but to be fair, this was a bit of a drip feed! I certainly wasn’t picturing edamame. I was imagining pakora or similar! Sorry

It is often the case that when someone has been unkind to you, even to adults, someone being kind will set off tears or upset.

I imagine the mother of these children was able to tell if it was genuine upset or not.

I don't know if you have any children at secondary school but from my experience they grow a lot in maturity during the first year or two when they need to start to navigate these tricky situations with their peers.

Your point was made ridiculous because of the hyperbole.

This isn't about overeating. It's about kindness.